IT'S MY PODCAST AGAIN....

Hello.

Here is a link to my podcast on iTunes. Isn't that fantastic? It's the one I almost died trying to create. However - it's now available now so that you can listen to it on your iPod over, and over and over again.

I know you will want to!

I hope that I can handle being a recording star. I've tried my best to stay out of the limelight in the past. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to avoid it!

But I think that's something that I'm prepared for. I really do. As far as I can remember I never had any problems. Even when I was a young boy, going through the crowds on my way into Studio 54.

So let me know if there's anything you'd like to hear in future podcasts! I've already heard from many of you, who would like me to sing a song at the end of each show. I think that's a really brilliant idea! Perhaps I will hire someone to think up an act for me. Hopefully, the next episode will feature my beautiful singing voice!

I already have ideas for songs - so get ready!


P.S. Here is a link to my ebook - available for 2.99 at Amazon.com! This postscript will remain until the original 2.000.000 copies that were digitally produced have been sold.

MY PODCAST!!

My first show is here too!

Podcast Powered By Podbean

MIAMI!

O Let me tell you the worst story. I was nearly assassinated!!

I've been in Miami. I'm not anymore, but that's where I was. The humidity was too much for me. I thought someone was choking me. I've never experienced that there before - even in Miami. Or have I become weak?

However.

When I was there, I had my assistant take me to a recording studio to record a Podcast for you. He said that it wasn't necessary to go to a recording studio, but I didn't care. I loved it. It was much better that I had headphones on and I could see the big "ON THE AIR" sign lit up. I've always wanted to be on the Radio. And now I have been! Only it will be online instead.

However.

As we were about to leave the studio there was what is called "a drive-by shooting." I had never experienced that before! We were about to leave the studio, I was about to walk out the door, and the Black American man who was opening the door for us suddenly pushed me to the side, away from the door. I hit the wall quite hard! I was stunned! Who would dare do this to me and why? At this moment in time, I thought I heard machine gun fire. Or something like that. In my memory it will always be machine gun fire. It was like a movie. I tell you.

Anyhow yes - it was a drive-by shooting. And I could've been assassinated! Though now, I feel like I'm really a "Gansta" now! Isn't that outrageous? People are really going to get a kick out of it when I tell them.

I was ABOUT to fire my assistant for finding this recording studio in the middle of "the ghetto," but he was crying so hard and so loudly that I couldn't really do it. He is still in my employment. Can you believe that?

But now, think about what I go through for YOU. My reader. Soon to be my listener. Haha! I put my life on the line for you! On the next day after the attempt on my life, I realized that I should have thanked the man who pushed me away from the door - but then I thought that he could've had something to do with the whole mess - like drugs - and I thought I better not get myself involved.

I will definitely be taking a little vacation now to recover! I will be taking one of my own tips from me book, and asking my friends who sets sail this week. I'm first onboard - I deserve it!

IT'S HERE!

Applause for me!


It's here:

That's right. My new book is available now for YOU, the reader - and it's on Amazon. It's ready for your Kindle or iPad or whatever! Who cares as long as you buy it and learn from it. That's what's important.

My goal now is this: to sell 2,000,000 copies by August 1st!

If everyone tells 1000 friends - then together we'll reach this goal before we know it! Won't that be fun?

I just know it will be. So don't forget to tell your 1000 friends and buy it today! I look forward to hearing your reaction too. My new assistant Ute is already busy getting your letters together for a sequel. But we'll see first... I need to go on a couple of Sleep Cures before I even think about doing that. But I can't ignore your cries for help forever - so... We'll see...

In the meantime! I'll see YOU at Amazon.com!

TODAY!

Dear Readers,

A couple of things you've been screaming at me to address:

No I wasn't at Ascot this year! People have been looking for pictures of me, but they don't exist! I just forgot about it. I've been so busy planning my party today, that I forgot.

I don't go every year either. Oftentimes I forget even without a reason! Does that ever happen to you? You decide to stay in bed all week with a little champagne - then you wake up and someone tells you that you've missed absolutely everything! Haha.....

But of course I haven't been sleeping as you know. I've been preparing, just for YOU! Yes, my book release party is tonight and I've told you that I've hired eight ships to parade down the river Spree this evening! It should be grand. I cannot wait.

The only thing left to rely on right now is that the Lord Jesus Christ makes the clouds disappear for the event! I want some sunshine! So Heilige Maria - BVM! If you're reading this - which I know you are! Please intercede for my event! Natürlich you both are invited as well.

Come rain or shine, I'll be sure to have pictures put online of this event! Of course. And one more thing - let's make sure that my assistant Max stays employed at least over the next couple weeks. I cannot go without someone during this time - and he seems like he's on the verge of saying "Tschußi" to me.

Other than that - I haven't eaten this week, so I'm rather weak and need to take my nap now. But don't worry - when I wake up I'm going to TEAR UP some foie gras and deviled eggs! I need to strengthen myself for the party! There's a LOT of Champagne to go through and I can't wait!!

RELEASE PARTY

O Dear Readers,

I just reprimanded my new assistant Max for not updating the website. But I must say that he's been so busy working on the new eBook, that it the only excuse I can give.

And yes, I had to fire my assistant, the girl - in the middle of the editing process, so Max has had quite a bit of catching up to do. There was another girl in between her and Max, but she only lasted one day.

HOWEVER. I must tell you that since the eBook will be published this week - I've decided to throw a party! A real super party too! I will be in Berlin for the event. And I've rented out EIGHT ships to take a tour up and down the River Spree. When will it be? It will be this Thursday! I am so looking forward to it. I tell you!

Can you imagine the eight ships? Each will a different theme and different hosts. And I've ordered different colored POM POMS for each of the ships to cheer me on as I pass! This was Princess Maxima's idea. I hate to say that it wasn't mine!! :)

So let us pray together that the weather will become nice, as everything has been already paid for! I will take lots of pictures, I tell you! You will see them, I'm sure.

In the meantime, I am making use of the Wellness area at Merzenburg Palace to get ready for the party. Won't you join me? Just kidding! But I wish you will join me Thursday. I've already given away the hundreds of tickets - but at the end of boat ride, there will be a welcome party for me in front of the O2 Arena in Berlin. I hate this building, but it's convenient to the ship tour and can host tons of you there!

It'll be... Grand!

See you there. Bis bald!

Please Give

I've gotten millions of requests from people about where to send money for all the causes that I fight for. I work with the Donate Your Money Foundation, and I know first hand that they're the only ones who are active in the fight for AID (Alcohol Ingestive Disorder) and FBS (Female Beard Syndrome).

Right now they're working on a new initiative. It's called "Mifepristone For All". The MFA goal is to make Mifepristone (RU-486) much more widely available. Hopefully they'll succeed and we'll see Mifepristone next to the chewing gum at gas stations and supermarkets. I heard about this and I thought, great! But why not take it one step further? Why not make Mifepristone chewing gum or 'beef jerky?'

Maybe one day that will be the reality. But right now it isn't. Why not make a donation to Donate Your Money Foundation and hopefully, together we can make a difference!


Donate Your Money Foundation


P.S. The photo session with Cindy Sherman for the book cover must be re-done. I wanted a photo of myself lying on a linoleum floor like the photo that just sold for 3.2 million, and that's what I got. And it's good. I'm sure it'll go for millions, but it's not what I want for a book cover. I need to stick to the black turtleneck/black background I've been doing since I was a baby.........

"Behind the Scenes" on my forthcoming anthology!

Putting this new book together is exhausting. I don't have a ghost writer either. I imagine that most people in my position would. But not me. Not Franz!

Let me give you a little 'behind the scenes' on how it works here. I never was really sure either, so I thought you, the Reader, would also like to know.

For all my previous entries, I've almost always used my good old hand held voice recorder. Sometimes I dictate in English, other times in German. One time in Japanese to play a prank of my assistant! At this point I give the recorder to my assistant who then transcribes everything. He or she may also have to translate into English. And then voila! You get to read everything on DearFranz.com.... Sometimes I give my assistant an idea for a picture to include, sometimes I say 'do it yourself.' I think including a picture gives the whole thing a little 'razzle dazzle' and it makes it a little more fun. Today's picture is a picture of the editing team for my upcoming anthology. It was taken with the security camera.

Now there's a team of editors working on the anthology. I imagine they're putting everything into categories, and that's it. But the constant phone calls and questions are getting on my nerves, almost as if they're harassing me. I guess they're just trying to do their jobs, but I imagine that it's a good way of having the opportunity to speak with me. I guess they like that. So in the meantime, before this hits the bestseller lists, I'll just have to oblige the team. The only other thing I have left to do is have my photo taken for the cover. For this, Cindy Sherman has offered to do the job. I'm willing to let her since she just sold one of her 1981 photos for 3.89 million US dollars. Isn't that just wild! Why so much for one old picture? I don't know, but I should be taking more pictures myself if photographers are making that much nowadays. Maybe that'll be my next project.

In the meantime, my phone is ringing again, so I better "get back to work." And this better be quick since because I really, really want to get in the bathtub.

A very important message......

My dear sweet Readers,

I have some exciting news for you...

First off, I know you're dying to know where I am, what I'm doing etc. And I'll tell you. After Cannes, I cannot tell you how I need a break. It's such a wonderful time of year, and perhaps the high point of humanity, but again, one just needs a break. So I am on board the Beatrix III right now, and we're just taking a simple cruise along the Sicilian Islands. One must collect one's thought after so much action 10 days in a row!

I have made up with Isabelle Huppert and she decided to come on board with me. Right now she's signaling for me to tell you that she says hello.

Anyhow... I MAY not write to you from this point for a while because I'm working on a project... You guessed it! It's a book. And more excitingly, it won't be printed on old fashioned "paper", but will be available electronically! I'm very enthused. Usually after Cannes I need a couple of months of "R & R", but right now, I'm very motivated to dictate.

Any questions you may have, may make it into this book. So feel free to open up to me, and ask me any questions, as embarrassing or intimate as any of them may be. Remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people!

So, bis bald! We'll talk to each other soon.

Cannes! (The Rapture will not happen before the presentation of the Palme d'Or)

Yes, right now I speaking to you from the Film Festival at Cannes. I truly love this time of year, being surrounded by such beautiful people! I think everybody is here right now. Princess Maxima is sitting next to me at the moment and she sends her love. It's really amazing, and unfortunate that most people can't live like we do when we're here. And I think I can say with confidence that these ten days are really one of the highest points for humanity in general. I can't imagine not being a part of it.

A friend of mine in America at the moment has been sending me emails and links regarding the End Times. Or the Rapture. I had to look up what that meant, but it's something that the evangelicals in America are worried about. The world will end and it's supposed to happen this Saturday. God will chose people to come with him and all the other people will be hellbound, remaining behind to suffer on earth until November or something. I really think it's hilarious! I love it!

If the Lord God Almighty were really to call all of us chosen people up to heaven, I seriously do not think that it would be THE DAY before the Palme d'Or is given out this Sunday. Haha! I don't believe in the Rapture, but if were to believe in it, I believe that most of the people at Cannes right now would be taken to immediately to heaven. This means that it will not be on Saturday.

(And Sarah Ferguson has been getting some good press lately, so I'm talking to her again. I really like her and I hate the times I can't permit myself to speak to her. I only mention this is because it's reminding myself that she is the one who has sent me all the End Times information.)

Well, Schöne Grüße from Cannes. I'm having a wonderful time. I'm researching now on how I can get on next year's Jury. I'd really like to be the Jury president if I'm on the jury. (press the thumbs for me!) And so far getting "face time" with the organizers has been difficult as I'm very busy. The only problem that I see is that last years (?) president, Isabelle Huppert sleeps with all the organizers I'm sure, and we all know she has it out for me, I cannot say why. But I'll work on that. I think most people would like to see me as part of the jury, or more specifically the president... So I cannot wait til next year!

Au Revoir!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: AID, Alcohol Ingestive Disorder affects millions

Many of you may not know this, but I do a lot of research in my spare time concerning causes that are interesting to me and my life. For years, many of my friends have been urging me to write on a subject that's been near and dear to our hearts: Namely this is AID: Alcohol Ingestive Disorder.

For centuries now, many people have thought they've been suffering from what is typically and derisively called "A Hangover". Many people have been scrutinized and refused the medical help they've deserved, because they were told that they were "brought it on themselves." "Don't drink so much and you won't get a hangover."

Not true. What we know now, is that many people simply suffer from AID. And do you know what? The scientists tell us that there is no cure for AID. But that's what I'd like to work on. In 2011 it is simply inexcusable that scientists have not come up for a cure for something that effects most of the western world. Does that even make sense? They're busy working on problems in Africa and Eurasia? They need to start looking in their own backyards.

I've been a first hand witness to the devastating effects of AID: I've seen it year after year after year: Someone cancels brunch or doesn't show up to brunch because of AID. It happens every Sunday.

And I've lost some very good friends to AID: They've had to give up drinking all together and subsequently we never see each other again.

Yes there will be cynics who say that such a disease isn't real: it's "pyschosomatic." And sure: many people don't suffer from AID whatsoever, and that's true. My friend Sarah Ferguson can drink all she wants in the evening and start drinking again first thing in the morning, as if she was perfectly fine. Quite often I can do that too. But other times the effects of AID can be debilitating and painful, which is why we need to band together and force our governments and scientists to do something about this! Anything else is unacceptable.

In the coming days, we'll be talking about AID and what we can do about it. Home cures, homeopathic medicine, etc. I'll be rangling up my celebrity friends to help bring awareness to this cause. Together we CAN make a difference!

Divorce can be a good thing, or a humiliating degrading experience....

My assistant recently told me that a reader blamed me for her divorce. I don't believe that for a second. My advice holds marriages together, or at least keeps them from finding out each others infidelities. Which, if that is the case and the reader was found out to be having an affair, then it is her fault.

But I imagine she would like for me to say a few words about divorce. I'll do that:

Divorce can be different for different people. I know, because people have told me.

For some people divorce can be a difficult, humiliating and degrading experience. It can bankrupt you financially as well as emotionally and it can ruin your reputation. It can alienate you from all the friends and family you've come to know. Basically it can ruin you and turn you into a social outcast. It can cast you as someone who has been blatantly rejected. For example, when Brad Pitt divorced Jennifer Anniston, I think the whole world must have thought, "Well, I wonder what she did wrong?" I know I did.

For other people, divorce can be a liberating experience. Especially if you'd planned ahead and invested in a quality lawyer who specializes in prenuptial agreements. When you come out of the marriage ahead, you've won. And believe me, your friends will stick with you more likely than they will with your ex-mate (who lost): everybody loves a winner! I assume the woman who said I wrecked her marriage isn't in this category. Otherwise, she wouldn't complain.

But every case of divorce requires one thing: a time of seclusion. Or at least the appearance of one. That means that you announce you are going into seclusion, but you don't have to. Just go to a different continent for at least one year. You can have all the fun you want in the world. But you'll just have to cut yourself off from your usual social circles and at all costs avoid being photographed if possible. It really is a small price to pay for your place back with the "in crowd". And when you come back, you must assume the air of quiet dignity (that means never show your teeth, even when smiling..) for six months. After six months host a party or a ball, and everything should be back to normal. At least that's how it goes with divorced people with whom I still associate.

Either way, you'll get past it. Perhaps you'll find a new, perhaps better husband. Perhaps you'll finally find one your age, where you won't fear going to bed together every night. Something that few people I know have.

Diet Emergency!

Dear Franz,
I have a dilemma... I have a doctors appointment today to get some diet pills, but my funds are low due to partying and travels. Do you think I should keep the appointment for today or reschedule for next week. I should add I am going to the beach again in a few weeks and I need to slim down quick.. What should I do?

Dear Reader,

It sounds like an emergency to me. Let your doctor know your situation and tell him or her to send you the bill. They'll understand. In the meantime, it sounds like you need some of my quick tips to lose a little weight. Or as we rightfully call it in German, I believe translated it means "to de-bacon".

One of my old favorite tips that I haven't shared in a while is The Almond Plan. I haven't gotten trademarked yet, so whoever is thinking about stealing it, don't. But if anyone has an idea to turn these three simple steps into a bestselling diet book, please write to my assistant. (I can see the cover of the book, and I can see the title on a best seller list, but I don't know what else..)

The Almond Plan is simple:

1. Calculate the number of hours you plan on being awake today. (For example, I plan on being awake nine hours.)
2. Count out one almond for each hour. (9 x 1 = 9) That's nine almonds.
3. Every hour eat the almond. **

This keeps your metabolism going. Remember your body is a furnace and requires fuel to keep it going. One little almond is all you need.

Why not try this along with your medical weight loss routine for your run-up to the beach? If you're not too overweight at this point, it should help you! If you're extremely overweight and require emergency weight-loss surgery, then I imagine you'll have to wait until Autumn time to go to the beach.

I think there are many many people in your situation right now, gearing up for a summer trip. So have a good time, and count out those almonds. See you at the beach!

** If necessary, drink vegetable broth (sparingly) for strength.

Chenonceau

I've already received thousands of emails requesting details about the reception at Chenonceau. Why were you there, etc. and people asking how they can host their own event at this beautiful historic location.

Well, the reception was for Carla Bruni's Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Coocoo. He had just gotten his braces of his teeth the month before and she decided to have a party! We all brought our special canine friends along with us - including me with my own Lulu, a descendent of Queen Margarete's Legendary prize winning poodle, "King of Tangiers". It was really a beautiful day and a good time was had by all!

As far as the leasing of Chenonceau for private events, I'm not an even planner, but I would imagine one needs only contact the appropriate ministry within the French Government. In any case, I highly recommend it. Viel Spaß!

"Polyamorous" or Just Plain Skanky?

Dear Franz,

I have several friends who are in open or polyamorous relationships. Because I’m happy for their happiness together, I would like to make sure that I’m not excluding or slighting any of the partners.

If I am sending them an invitation to a gathering, how on earth do I address it? “Mr. and Mrs. Jane Doe and Ms. Lily Smith”? “The Doe and Smith Family”? “John and Jane Doe and Lily Smith”? I have asked friends in the poly community how they handle this, and they say, “Just call them up and invite them!” which is not, perhaps, the most helpful of answers, though it is well-meaning.

Also, how do I introduce a poly-amorous group socially? Do legally married partners have status over second partners, meriting first introduction, or do I simply say, “Ms. Jones, these are my friends, the Does” and leave Ms. Jones to establish how they interrelate? I don’t want to draw overmuch attention to the fact that one couple is legally married and the other is “just” secondary. (This is insulting in polyamorous circles.)


Dear Reader,

I love how you act like that this is a normal etiquette question. You honestly need to know that no one is concerned with insulting "polyamorous circles." That's really, really funny!

The world has gotten out of hand. Did you know that "polyamorous", like the word "bisexual", just means "slut"? Well, in fact, it does! I don't know anyone in the "poly community", but I know plenty of partnered couples having sordid affairs and the primary partner knows full well about it. However, that doesn't mean that they all want to be addressed on the same envelope. Try not to embarrass people in this way. That is, if you like them. If you don't like them, it would be a fantastic way to publicly put them in their place.

Throughout history, this sort of thing was handled by buying the mistress or secondary partner (face it that's what they are) a residence somewhere else. Have you ever been to Chenonceau? The one time residence of Diane de Poitiers? I was just there again for a reception: it's beautiful. I guess that would be one way of solving your problem of how to address envelopes.

But here's where the importance lies: Do whatever you want, with whomever you want, but in most cases we don't care to keep track of overcomplicated affaires. We do, but to legitimize this would take every single little bit of fun out of talking about it at parties, or even on the telephone. If the subject of your complicated household ever comes up, you must convey icy cold ignorance; everyone will respect you for it.

And about your use of the word "poly". Did you know that trying to come up with a fancy word for "slut" or "concubine" does not fool anyone? In fact, you are insulting everyone by trying to fool them. Did you know that deliberately trying to fool someone is rude? Do you know that rudeness is a sin? In fact, it is. Hold the line!

And finally I thank you for introducing me to the term, "how someone inter-relates" in place of coition. This is English I didn't know! I will absolutely use it at the next opportunity. In fact, I think I heard that Isabelle Huppert has interrelated with her personal trainer last week. Did you know that?

I Hadn't Known it was Mother's Day

The other evening at a dinner (more on Queen Ranier later), the subject turned to Mother's day and what people had done to celebrate "Mother's Day" which supposedly to place last Sunday. Someone had then asked why I hadn't written something about Mother's Day. Someone turned out to be Isabelle Huppert, who is turning out more and more to be my arch-nemesis. She was just trying to provoke me. But it made me think that perhaps millions of people had been waiting for me to write something about Mothers, but I wasn't there for them! My first thought was to blame my assistant, but I immediately remembered I had been snapping at her when she addresses me lately, so perhaps she didn't get around to reminding me.

Well let me tell you a story.

I think the most important thing to remember about mothers is that it's not who they are that makes them special, but it's what they've done for you. I can think of two nice things that my mother has done for me. Unfortunately both scenarios have unhappy endings.

When I was a child, my mother moved to NYC. Apparently I was abducted by her when I was very young, but I didn't know it. My playground at the time was Studio 54; apparently mother took me there often and I remember always being enchanted by the lights and the sequins. The most magical day for me as a child was Bianca Jagger's birthday party. She rode into the club atop a white horse feathered like a majorette in what for me, was at that time, the most spectacular party entrance I'd seen. (I've since seen, and have participated in better.)

My birthday was also coming up and I asked mother if I could have my birthday at Studio 54 and ride in on a white Horse. She said that six years old was too young for something like that. She said that I should wait for my confirmation. I guess it seemed far enough away.

So do I have to tell you that my confirmation day arrived, and there was no white horse? Well, there wasn't. No Studio 54. (I know no one was going there anymore, but I was still a child and didn't know this.) I hadn't been able to get a hold of her for the entire year before my confirmation. My father had to send me and five friends on a Safari to make up for it, even though he had already committed to an entirely different gift that I would not let him get out of giving me. I learned that day you can only rely on yourself.

The other story involving mother also was in New York. She sold my silkscreen portrait Andy Warhol did of me to buy a Bungalow in Bora Bora. Well, when she died I inherited that bungalow in Bora Bora, but I can tell you that my portrait would be worth much much more than that. I tell you!

So I guess the point of my Mother's Day advice is to you is this: For just this one day, forget about the bad things your mother has done to you. Thank her instead. (At least that's what you're supposed to do) Like "Thank you bringing me to Studio 54 as a child. I always had fun." But leave out "But I do not thank you for not giving me the white horse that you promised to me." Something like that.

I hope everybody had a nice day with Mummy!

Leave Child Rearing to Professionals

Dear Franz,

What if two people work great as partners but not as co-parents? My husband and I have a fantastic relationship that goes back 15 years, but we cannot seem to get it together when it comes to parenting our 10-year-old son, “Ethan.” We disagree on everything from where Ethan should go to school, to whether it’s OK to spank Ethan (lightly), to how much fast food Ethan can consume in a month before we’re bad parents. Worse, we feel equally strongly about our opposite viewpoints on just about everything, so nearly once a week we have these knock-down, drag-out fights that lead nowhere, and the choices ultimately fall to Ethan himself. It has been suggested that we take parenting classes, but we’re both positive the classes would just confirm our personal stances. Meanwhile Ethan is stuck in a school that’s no one’s first choice, getting away with things right and left because no one wants to resort to discipline without agreeing on it first.

Wow. It sounds like someone should have been taking her birth control pills, but has forgotten! My Goodness!

Well, first let me answer your questions:

1. Boarding School
2. Why would one not spank a child? I don't understand you.
3. Don't ever eat fast food. Never.

Why are those things hard to agree on? I don't understand. You and your spouse have been having all these problems, and it took me barely two seconds to come up with a solution. I truly believe I would make the best parent. Perhaps I should consider adoption. I guess nowadays Japan is the place to adopt, which is good, because I do think Japanese children are precious. Was Japan even on my last "Top 10 Hot Adoption Spots"? I don't know. (I think I need to update that list!)

But Reader, your first step is Boarding School. I know that many people who've chosen to bring pregnancies to term, nowadays tend to want to "Raise their children at home". When did that become the thing to do? Hold the line! Are people so bored nowadays that they feel they have to watch their own children and put them to bed every single night? Play games together? I have to think that that level of boredom may require some kind of psychological help. But alas, to each his own. Which brings me back to Boarding School. Here most of your problems are solved in one fell swoop, and you and your husband can finally get your lives back; start living again....Won't that be a sigh of relief? I know it will be.

As far as the other times when you must be together as a family. Please don't fret. Agree to let the child do what he or she wants. Know that the discipline and the education belongs to the professionals and the help. I know that's the way I was raised. And even though I wasn't given everything that I wanted as a child, I would say that part of what makes me me! And who am I? Someone that many, many people would like to be. I tell you!

Nobody Likes a Tattletale

Dear Franz,

Recently I was staying at a guest house. During evening cocktails, a guest kicked over a couple very expensive decorations and proceeded to move them behind some gift wrapped packages. The next morning, the host was very disappointed to find the broken items. The person who did the deed did not confess to the damage. Those of us who saw the situation were not sure if we should tell on the other guest or tell that guest to confess to the deed. We did not know that guest. What should we have done?


Well, I guess that would depend on whether or not it was a friend. I think that's just common sense isn't it? If you like your friend, don't tell. If you like the host better than the person who broke the thing, then tell on them. Perhaps you like both equally and you're torn. In that case, I would perhaps take the blame yourself... Just kidding! I would just "accidently" tell on the guest during dinner conversation and pretend all parties were already aware. Offer to pay for the item yourself, even though you have no intention on doing so. You'll score points with both friends, and neither of them will surely ever accept your money. If they do accept your money, than they are not friends. I would imagine that's what insurance is for!

Funny story goes with that. As many parties as I go to, one is bound to break something, or fall on top of something. Yes, it even happens to the crown heads! And I imagine that items broken in my circles far exceed the cost of something broken in yours. But nevertheless, it happens. And one time, I slipped on Donatella's train at a party. I slipped, grabbed hold of the nearest thing to me, which was: one of those silly Marc Quinn "Blood Heads." (A bust of the artist comprised on nine pints of his own frozen blood). Well, it exploded into a million little pieces and those little pieces just seemed to melt faster than you could imagine! Everybody scattered everywhere! It was awful. Donatella tells me, "that's going to cost you a fortune!" I merely laughed and said, "No, bitch. That's going to cost YOU a fortune." I mean, it was her dress! We went on and on back in forth until we were told that it was insured and we need not worry. That was a fiasco and quite a mess, too!

But if I had just knocked the Blood Head down without the help of her dress, I would hope that no one would've told on me. After all, it was insured.

Can a Sexless Marriage Be Worth It?

Dear Franz,

How important do you think sexual attraction is in a marriage? A friend is considering getting engaged to a man she thinks is perfect except that she is not very physically attracted to him. She is in her 30s and feels like he is the best man she has ever met, but she is worried she’ll end up with a sexless marriage.

I believe she feels that if she doesn’t marry him, she won’t meet anyone as good as he is in time to have children. I don’t really know what to say.

Dear Reader,

I love it how you are acting like you are asking a question for a friend.

But sexual attraction is not important in a marriage. My mother was married several times and I believe, never attracted to her husbands. I am told by my father that she used "Pepe" a lounge singer from Portugal for what she called "bedroom purposes". Though she was never attracted to many of her husbands, each marriage was very financially successful and she always benefited immensely. And although she was a horrible, horrible, horrible person, she was a smart woman and always made good business decisions.

You or "Your friend" doesn't have to worry about a "sexless marriage". She needs to remember that she can do whatever she'd likes for "bedroom purposes". There was a little thing in the 1960s called Women's Lib, and maybe's heard about it? And I've written before about how to manage an affair, perhaps your friend should read it. (main point: don't get knocked up, social diseases are grounds for divorce...)

But I don't know about the potential spouse's financial situation so I can't officially say: go for it. Only you know. If you're not all that attracted to him and his financial holdings don't compensate, don't feel bad: just say NEXT!

And as a last bit of encouragement, let me tell you a story. I know a woman who married a man over fifty years older than she was. Everybody thought, "Ewww". One thinks, one should only go so far. Well, let me tell you: Her husband was in his eighties and he died less than one year into the marriage. He had billions, and as you can imagine there were hundreds of girls kicking themselves for not submitting to his elderly advances when they had the chance.

So make an informed decision: weigh the benefits. And please, hold the line: Don't forget the Pre-nup!

Stop Correcting Me!

Dear Franz,

My girlfriend is always correcting me when we’re out with friends or family. It is EXTREMELY annoying. She corrects my grammar, pronunciation, eating, and even minor facts in stories. I’ve asked her to stop but she says she can’t help herself, it’s just instinct. I told her it can’t be instinct because she only does it to me. She responded that she must correct me because I represent her. Shouldn't she accept me/ let me be myself?

Dear Reader,

No.

Look at it from the other side, please. This is a women who is in a relationship with you despite the fact that you have bad grammar, no manners and can't tell stories right. You should be grateful to her each time a correction is made.

Perhaps she is tired of having to correct you all the time and is considering leaving you for someone educated, well-mannered and who can represent her properly in front of friends and family.

Think of your girlfriend and the sacrifices she is making and make a promise to do something for her! Why don't you hire an etiquette expert for private lessons? Perhaps a child from a family of good standing would like to make some "pocket money" and will be willing to instruct you on basic table manners. As far as your grammar and pronunciation, make sure to hire an elocution instructor.

I assume you must not meet heads of state or crown heads, so keep it simple at first: concentrate on the basics.

Neither your girlfriend or anybody need know about this: in fact, they shouldn't! But after a while, with a little hard work, they'll all see a difference. And after a little while, who knows, maybe there will be wedding bells in the future!

Binge/Look/Feel Great!

"Everything in Moderation"

That's one of the common sense diet and lifestyle advice that I think will fit in well with my diet and lifestyle advice book that millions are dying to get their hands on!

Everything in Moderation: and who says that can't include binging?

I know that, every so often, most of us like to spend days at a time in bed binging on chocolates and egg liqueur. Who says that can't be a part of a healthy lifestyle?? Well, it can be.

Though it must be proceeded by serious fasting and subsequent purging, taking to one's bed for days on end with boxes and boxes of the world's best chocolate is a time honored tradition that, somehow has recently been "poo-poo'ed" by certain people. Why is that? Well, for one, many people don't do it the right way and end up becoming obese or unsightly. And that's not a good thing.

Mark your calendar, or have your maid or assistant do it for you: "I will be in bed from the 27-29th of this month". Then you give yourself time to fast in preparation, and make the necessary arrangements for the "post binge purge" as some experts like to call it.

And yes, I am aware with today's busy lifestyle, not everybody has time to plan for this. Say something bad happens, like a party goes horribly wrong - something not expected. You can still take to your bed with your favorite sweets (mine happen to chocolate cognac balls). It requires just a little more effort from you in the purge stage; just be aware of it! So when it's time to get yourself out of that bed, here are some cleansing tips to get yourself back on track:

1. The Master Cleanse: I really can't do this without heavy medication, but when I do do it, it's successful each and every time! You can do it in your home - no need to travel to a spa!
2. A Colonic Spa: If you're still feeling a little bit lethargic, this is what I recommend. Just lay back and relax and let science cleanse you. You'll leave feeling light as a feather.
3. The Sauerkraut juice and Sauna Diet. This is a light diet that I invented that really packs results. It's simply drinking lots of sauerkraut juice and four hours a day Sauna at twenty minute increments. Also something you can do at home without having to travel to a Spa. In this economy people are looking for ways save their pennies, and this is one of them.

I plan on being in bed much of the beginning of next week, and I look forward all those little choco-cups filled with delicious egg liqueur! By the end of the week I'll have done my cleanse and by next Saturday's party, no one will believe I'd ever even touched so much as a single truffle! Only you and I will know my secret....:)

What Not to Wear

Dear Franz,

Recently I was at a party and was humiliated to find out that someone else was wearing the same dress as I. They'd even bought it at the same store. I was devastated. Actually I've been in bed for weeks now. I know ready-to-wear can be "risky", but sometimes it's not avoidable. I'd like to know if you have any advice from buying clothing in "shops" and "department stores".

Dear Reader,

Yes, ready-to-wear is always risky business: You are always taking the chance of wearing the same thing as someone else. Recently in London, an old friend asked me if we were wearing the same suit! (People have nerves). He didn't believe me until I opened my jacket and showed him that the custom lining was the same material as my custom tie! Try buying THAT on Bond Street, asshole!

But I guess not everybody can really afford to have everything made for them. That's why "stores" for "shopping" is quite a huge industry.

There are many things that one can buy manufactured and feel good about:

1. Shoes. I personally don't buy shoes already made, but many people do. Many people like particular "brands" of shoes, and they can be had for as little as 500 USD, I think.
2. Socks. I personally find that there isn't really much of a difference between custom made and ready-to-wear socks.

I guess that's about it though. Anything else is a risk. Hard, honest advice: but the truth.

I know how you feel. Let me tell you a story about that. I don't know if it will help.

At the Met Gala on Monday, there was a Hollywood personality there. In my opinion you cannot call her a star. She is, however in movies. And as it seems, anybody can get into anywhere nowadays! LOL... Anyway, I was talking with Anna Wintour and I noticed she seemed to be gagging behind her handkerchief (orange Hermes- schön). I asked her what was wrong and she said that what this girl was wearing a dress that has been in stores since last year! At the Met Gala! Anna was visibly shaken. Like I said, I really don't know what the Met Gala is or why I was there, but apparently it's an important fashion event.

Does that help?

And there's a last bit of advice I'd like to give before the letters arrive. I can just hear them being read to me now: "But I can't afford that.." Well. To all you housewives out there who are about to write to me, let me give you a little tip. Save your allowances. Make sure to siphon what you can into your own personal and private accounts away from your husband. O! And make sure your lawyer negotiates the best allowance from your husband or father!

Now, get out of bed and get over it, please!

Ok, the wedding...

I'm writing this to you before getting ready to go to the Met Gala in New York. I think I hate New York and I never know what this party is even for! I think it has something to do with the paintings I have on loan - WHICH be off to Vienna and Berlin soon!

Anyway, according to my assistant, my email box has been exploding from the millions of you wanting to know about my experience to the royal wedding on Friday. I had to think twice about it because Kate Middleton came up to me and said, "You're going to be nice, aren't you?"

When am I ever not nice?

Anyhow, I can never say anything cruel about someone who looked so fantastic. Shout out to the Duchess of Cambridge - I hope you are enjoying your honeymoon in Australia! (Am I not supposed to say where?)

It was a wonderful occasion. Everyone saw the royal mass or whatever the protestants call it. But here are some of the behind-the-scene antics!

1. Maxima was very good and did NOT pass out as was reported by The Mirror. However, yes - there was a little too much Kir Royale to go around! And Maxima was not invited to the reception at Buckingham Palace anyway, so I don't think that that is such a great accomplishment Max! LOL

2. Letizia did not induce vomiting the entire day!

3. Queen Marguerite is still always bumming cigarettes from anyone she sees smoking. Knowing this, Maxima and I set up a bit of fun! We both pretended to smoke (though we don't in England normally)... This is at Buckingham before being "bussed" (that was so embarrassing!) to the protestant church. We purposely had a "funny" cigarette in there, just "in case". And wouldn't you know it - Marge took the bait! It was sooooo funny! She was singing so loud at the ceremony that it was just a riot. I tried to get the attention of one of the TV people's microphone. I thought, "Someone HAS to record this! O, Christ!"...
I feel bad, because perhaps the pot was a little strong. She kept staring at Princess Beatrice's hat, asking how it was "suspending in mid-air".

4. Speaking of Beatrice, I spent a lot of time with her and her sister Eugenie (that name sounds better pronounced in German), because 1. Maxima was not invited and 2. Their mother was not invited and I was dying to know what she was doing that day and it took me hours to find out. Turns out she was in California. Who cares right? So I was quoted in some publication saying that she was at a pub in East London crying - I was just kidding and did NOT expect to be quoted. I don't think that's fair. Sarah is a fun person who can lose weight fast, when she wants.
Anyhow, it was fun to know that those two gals can really party like "mummy". That made me happy.

5. The last thing I remember was, as we were leaving, I was with Twiggy and we were trying to pay the band to come with us to have a private party at the hotel where many of us were staying. They seemed scared and refused.


In other words, a good time was had by all. I'm looking forward what Prince Albert will do in Monaco this summer. His fiance kept saying "Just you WAIT" anytime someone would say anything nice about William and Kate's wedding....so it should be very interesting - I'll be waiting "Princess Charlene"! LOL...

Well, on to the stupid Met! Bye Bye!

Gearing up for Kate and William's wedding Part One

Dear Franz,

Have you seen Kate's wedding dress? If so, what does it look like?

Dear Reader,

Inquiring minds want to know. I know. But I can't tell you. Yes I've seen it, but the photo quality is not the best. I couldn't even tell you what type of silk it was.

And I will not pass along the photo. You see, curiosity got the best of our dear Princess Maxima, and she went down to London to see what she could see. I asked her to take a photo, but apparently she wasn't allowed. The only thing that Maxima could do was sneak a couple of photos with her iPhone.

Maxi is such a sneak! I hate to divulge secrets, but sometimes I cannot help it! I think the good thing with iPhone cameras, is that one can always say that "It was an accident" or "I didn't mean for it to take a picture" or "this thing has a life of its own", etc. etc. etc.. I guess it's true. I don't know, since I don't really know which kind of phone I have. I guess it's an iPhone because it doesn't have buttons on it for dialing numbers. I hate that! But if my phone is an iPhone then I have to discover how to work the camera because I will take loads of photos for all my readers at the end of May or April or whenever they have this royal wedding! I have to ask my assistant when it is. It must be soon, because when I got my new tuxedo (I hate that word) from the tailor, she told me that I could not gain a single pound more or I wouldn't fit into it. Apparently I was fitted after last months colonic vacation in Greece. Anyhow, points for Francine that she cares. I think I'll keep her. (Behind the scenes - I think it's kind of new that I call my assistant Francine, I kept calling her different names until I settled on this one so forgive me if there's any confusion!) I told her that if she's a good girl and lets me sleep for a couple days that I would possibly let her see Maxi's photo!

P.S. Maxima confirms that American designer Kimora Lee Simmons did NOT design the dress.

TRY NOT TO HAVE AFFAIRES

Dear Franz,

I have a friend who in the past had affairs with married men. She has said she regretted it and has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations. But now, she's attempting to begin another relationship with a married man. I just want to tell her to stop being the train wreck, but don't know if it's my business.

Dear Reader,

You said that she "has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations". I think anybody will say that's really what the problem is: getting caught. Yes, technically they are wrong. People need to mind their own business as to who has affairs with whom. There are conditions, however:

1. No children may be produced.
2. No venereal diseases may be exchanged.
3. All correspondence must be destroyed or deleted immediately. Unless they are love letters. Those one can keep in a SAFE PLACE.
4. Never make a recording of the sex act. People always find them, and besides that - EVERYONE looks ludicrous in those positions.
5. Always be on the lookout for private detectives. If you feel that someone is becoming suspicious, then employ your own private detective. One that your family knows and trusts. And like everything else, you get what you pay for.

So give this advice to your friend. Tell her to post it on her refrigerator. And tell her that you don't want to know about it. And that no one wants to know about it. Unless you want to know about it. In which case, it is knowledge. And knowledge is power. And sometimes this type of knowledge is so most deliciously powerful that you can't believe it.

I Have a New Assistant!

Dear Reader,

I just mentioned my assistant in my previous bit of advice. I may or may not have mentioned the number of assistants that I've had in the last (I don't know how many) few years. I have tried every race, sex and religion - and I tell you: I sure get the losers from everywhere! Yes, I may have high standards that may be "difficult", but I think those high standards are really my hallmark. Someone said that I should write a book on all of the assistants I've had, and I thought "yes!". My stories are always a hit at parties. I had the Human Resources pulled on every one of them to start the research process. And then I realized: I didn't remember anything about any one them! I couldn't put the names with the faces. Except the Chinese boy and the African-American woman. I usually try to come up with my own names for them anyway - and those weren't in the files. I think I called the black woman Mahogany and the Chinese Boy, Pierre. Oh, how people would laugh when I'd introduce him! Good times.....

But I did want to give a "shout out" to my new assistant that I've named "Gretl". We seem to be getting along fine I think. Now that she's quicker to respond to her new name. She went to college for something, she knows all the computer programs and we can speak German together in front of other people don't. She's quite homely, which is good; since I like her so far, I don't want her running off and getting married anytime soon! So readers, wish me luck with this one. And maybe I could use some advice myself on how to keep an assistant! (Just kidding - don't send - won't read!)

And Gretl, when you are finished correcting this you can fix yourself a Dr. Pepper or something. I'll need your help getting out of the sauna. Listen for the buzzer, and I'd like a Campari with soda when I get out. (Don't include this).

DON'T TELL OTHERS ABOUT LONELINESS

Dear Franz,

I joined an online dating site on a lark to get over a really sad breakup. Eventually I met “Mark,” who truly seems great, and we have been e-mailing back and forth . . . for a little over a month. I’ve thrown him every possible hint that he should go ahead and ASK ME OUT ALREADY, but he’s not pulling the trigger.

The reason I’m not doing it for him is twofold: First, I like for the guy to take charge, and second, Mark’s profile specifically says he’s into chivalry and loves to surprise women with thoughtful plans. What should I say to move things along that doesn’t sound confrontational?


Dear Reader,

Oh my God. First of all, I can't ever in a million years imagine joining an online dating site! Do you ever try going to parties or to balls or to openings? Do your alive-friends know anyone that they could set you up with? I'm just asking - because that way you wouldn't have to advertise yourself on an internet website. You poor thing. And then to think you've been waiting for a month for someone online (who could be a serial killer) to ask you out? Good Lord.

Your letter moved me when it was read to me this morning while I was getting the most wonderful hot stone message. It was for this reason I asked my assistant to do some research on loneliness and online dating websites. Did you know that it is a multi billion euro industry? I didn't know this! And it made me so sad to hear: that's why I'm dictating this answer.

And the answer is this, dear Reader: please forget about this mystery man. Like I said, he could be a serial killer, or worse, have a venereal disease. It happens. Go to a party. Or better yet throw a party or a ball yourself. Get the word out to friends that you are single. And not lonely! Don't even tell your friends (if you have them), because they could tell other people about your loneliness and that could be a deterrent.

And make sure to get your name off that website. I am told that several of these dating websites are for sex only. If people find out you're on a dating website, they make think of that as a euphemism for offering up 'freebies'. (Or whatever the kids call it nowadays)

And finally Reader, keep me posted if you're ever asked on a date, I would love to know about it. I could give you some advice on how to keep him interested!

DISGRACED WOMAN MUST BEG FOR FORGIVENESS

Dear Franz,

My friend, "Katherine," had been unhappily married for several years, met a man in a bar and began having a casual affair with him. She was not very discreet about it - carrying condoms in her purse and leaving her BlackBerry out with e-mails from the man on it. Her husband found out and left her.

They are now going through a difficult divorce. Her ex does not want to help her out financially - he has a high-paying job and she makes very little - they have a young son who is having a terrible time dealing with it, and she is literally falling apart. She has always been overly thin, suggesting an eating disorder, and now she is much more so. She is also taking a ton of anti-anxiety medication.

She is heavily leaning on me for help, and I (a) don't know how to help her and (b) have some anger toward her for putting herself in this situation. I told her the affair was a really bad idea and that she could not financially or emotionally afford divorce.

Dear Reader,

If she didn't have a child, she could probably find another man, possibly with an even larger income. But coupled with the fact that she met the man in a bar, it really makes her even more unmarketable. Be that as it may, I have some advice:

1. Beg him to take her back. Even if she doesn't mean it and it's humiliating for her - it's the only thing she can do to save herself financially.
2. Go to spa for a couple of months. That should relieve some of the stress and give the impression that she is trying to get her act together.
3. WHEN they are back together, she needs to better utilise his salary and make sure she makes some investments of her own. (Perhaps she suffers from nymphomania and will start screwing around again - one never knows - cover all bases!)

I think the most important lesson here is the importance of a pre-nuptial agreement. If she would've invested in a good lawyer before the wedding, none of this would be a problem.

But the one silver lining is your friend's dramatic weight loss. Many people gain enormous amounts of weight during times of stress so she should really consider herself lucky. A temporary "pick up" for your friend would be a new wardrobe for her stunningly slim new figure. Assuming they are still married, her husband is still responsible for any debt that accrues, so tell her to spend what she wants - to do something good for herself.

Well.... I consider that another marriage saved. It really is a wonderful feeling to help!

Should I Tell Her She Looks Like a Slut?

Dear Franz,

There is a girl in my office who is very smart and competent but for some reason wears extremely low-cut tops, skin-tight miniskirts and spike heels. This has held her back from other opportunities and she's kind of an office joke. I know her only by sight and wish she had a woman in her life who had a clue and would share said clue with her.

Dear Reader,

As you can imagine, I've never worked in an office. So I'm trying to picture the situation from movies I've seen.

Now that I've done that, I think I have an answer for you. First, it would be flat out rude to tell someone that they look slutty or like a common whore. I think we've all done that; we've all been in the situation where we were forced to call a spade a spade. And sometimes the reaction is not what we would expect either: a drink thrown in one's face or more likely, a scratched face.

First of all I have a question of my own: the office movie that I thought of for reference was Working Girl with Melanie Griffith. Do people still dress like that at the office? I would hope not. I would imagine that I would prefer "skin tight miniskirts" and "spike heels" to those blouses with the big bows on the front of them.. I don't know.

But the point is, that you need to tell someone that they look like a slut, but you don't know how. I'm sure you've thought of telling your superior, but you know what? I think that would come across as 'whiney' and/or 'bitchy'. In fact, the words complain, whine and bitch all mean the same thing. I think the best solution would be to let this person know how you feel anonymously. You could call said person and disguise your voice. Or better yet, write the person a note and place it on her desk (use a printer please! No long hand!). If you don't have access to her desk - you may write it on the restroom mirror or wall. Yes, others will see it, but that way you won't be seen dropping off the note.

I think I've covered all the bases, so good best of luck to you.

Mother Hurt Over Belated Pregnancy Announcement

This one made me laugh! I hope it does you too!



Dear Franz,

My daughter showed up at my house, for a planned visit, six months pregnant. She had not breathed a word of it even though she and I talk several times a week. She is 31 with a lovely husband and a good career, so I would have been nothing short of thrilled to share in the joy of expecting my first grandchild. My feelings are terribly hurt that she kept it secret almost till the end. Am I being too sensitive here? And how do I handle the fact that we apparently aren't as close as I believed we were?

Dear Reader,

I can think of many reasons why your daughter didn't tell you. The first one that comes to mind is that she was probably going to have an abortion and either didn't get around to it, or decided not to. The second thing that comes to mind is that she didn't know she was pregnant. Some people don't show until late in pregnancy. I had to think hard for a third reason, and I guess it could've slipped her mind when she was talking to you. OR she was depressed about it and didn't want to talk about it, which is very understandable considering what her body will be going through (it can take YEARS to get one's figure back).

In any case, I would not give it a second thought. I once had a lady friend who carried a child to term: I knew about the pregnancy the entire time, and that's all she talked about. Be happy you weren't me! She talked about being sick, then it was that the baby was kicking (who cares) and then it was baby names! Just a pick a name! So at this point you only have three months of hearing about this mess. Or not! It seems to me like your daughter doesn't like opening up to you, so there's a big chance that you won't have to hear about any of it. I wouldn't be surprised if you heard about the birth from a postal "birth announcement". So yes, if you haven't heard anything about it from your daughter in three months - don't forget to open your mail around that time: it may be the news your looking for.

This Lenten Season...

I love Lent. In German we call it "Fasting Times" and I look forward to it every year. A chance to begin anew; a chance to cleanse our souls as well as all 1,5 meters of our colons.

I'll get back to your always banal questions, very shortly. But in the meantime, let me tell you where I've been! Not that I have to tell you: I was at Karneval in Rio! For me, (and of course, my sidekicks Donatella and Maxima), that means weeks and weeks of parties to gear ourselves up of six weeks of solemn fasting. I remember almost nothing, and fortunately neither do my friends. Which makes repenting for our "sins" very much easier. What I do remember, I certainly won't tell. Usually I love to tell embarrassing stories about my friends, the crown heads of Europe and Hollywood stars who want to "hang" with us - but this time, I can't think of anything that I wasn't a part of.

But be that as it may, the point here is fasting.

I think we all like Lenten fasting because no one has to admit that they're on diets. It's much easier to refuse invitations and banquets when one can say, "It's Lent, and I can't". No one can argue with you! But the festivities in Lent are few and far between anyhow as most of the party givers are on Cures and are at spas. Which is where I am now, at a spa on the Dead Sea. Apparently things in the Middle East are very dangerous right now, but nobody told me that and I'm already here. You think somebody would've said something. I don't know what's "going on", but there have been power outages.

Moving on, I wanted to say that on behalf of almost everyone that I know, I'd like to thank Prince William of England for planning his wedding so that it lies only days after the Lenten season is over. We all look forward to being there, fresh and glowing from six week of liquid diets and high colonics. Speaking of that, it does almost seem to be a contest ever year - who can loose the most weight during Lent. It's kind of like whoever looses the most weight is the holiest. Last year, Princess Letizia was practically a skeleton, she could hardly walk - yet she seemed to have glow about her: a Halo if you will. I think the Lord really rewarded her. This year, Princess Mary of Denmark says this year it will be her. She says we'll be able to see her "breast plate" at the wedding. Ok. But as Jesus Christ or someone in the Holy Bible said, "seeing is believing".

So to all the hundreds of millions of you (if not billions) reading this right now, I wish you the best of luck on your Lenten vows. Get behind thee Satan!

Don't Blow it Up!

Dear Franz,

When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one’s “business?”

Wait to flush until the call finishes or flush and have her caller know where she is receiving the call? It’s a dilemma.

No, no it's not. In fact, that's one of the stupidest questions I've yet received. Yet, I'll answer it. In the first place, I'd like to make it known that I don't use public restrooms. But I would imagine that the general rule is "See no evil, hear no evil". That means every one ignores everything one sees or hears. When Queen Maraguerite emerges from a bathroom with a cloud of cigarette smoke, no one sees it. When three or more people emerge from a bathroom stall, we don't see it. Yes, we know they weren't all relieving themselves together, but it's nothing to concern yourself with. When Princess Letizia is (often) heard upchucking an entire seven course meal, we don't hear it.

I think think that's always been the custom, and that's the way things should stay. So do what you want, make all the noise you want - unless (!) it has to do with your bowels. If you think that you'll have to make a "big business": summon your assistant or whoever to call your driver and get yourself out of there. I hate to be graphic, but I think a lot of people share that concern. How many times have you been squeezed in a bathroom stall with friends, only to have the person next door "blow it up"? It's just rude!

Slumming it Berlin Style!

Dear Readers,

For the past couple of weeks I'd been "slumming it" in Berlin. Which I do every year during the Berlin Film Festival. I love slumming it there! And I so desperately wanted to "blog" and "twitter" about it, but I just didn't feel like it and couldn't bring myself to do it. One has such good intentions, but it really is sleep, party, premiere - sleep, party, premiere. It's much more exhausting than one would think. And we barely saw any movies!

I was with (who else) my best friends, Donatella and Maxima. And what we would usually end up doing was walking down the red carpet, waving, taking our seats in the theater. And as soon as the lights would go down, we'd stand up and get out of there! Why, you might ask? Well, so many of the "films" they had this year were from either the Middle East, Africa or South East Asia! I cannot stand watching those! I understand the point: to make one depressed. But my life is too short and much to busy for such nonsense! When I want to see something sad, I like to go to the opera. It's much more pretty. Seeing sad Asians, Africans and/or Middle East people being mean to each other on camera just makes me want to scream! I know several friends of mine would disagree with me. "Cinema can be a window to the world", said HRH Letizia, as I was complaining to her. I could tell she was looking away and trying to hold a straight face. Because one thing I know is this: People like a song and dance! That's all there is to it. Come to think about it, I haven't seen a good movie since "Dreamgirls" I don't think. I'll have to ask my assistant. And THAT movie dealt with many "hot topics", including "black issues"! And in the end, they all sang together.

One more film that I loved, that wasn't in competition was Black Swan. I think a good description for it was "heart warmingly disturbing". I think the combination of ballet and madness is a delicious mix, and I really could watch it over and over.

However - be that as it may, the party is over. We're done slumming it, and are all now starting "extreme" diets. Even Letizia. I'm going to be trying a "DIY Sleep Cure", so I'll let you know how that goes.

Until then - my new assistant who I haven't met yet, is supposedly gathering your questions for me to answer! I can't wait for him or her to read them to me. And let me answer a question in advance - everyone has been asking me anyway:

No. Madonna would not let either me or Donatella see clips of her movie while she was here in Berlin trying to hock it. She said we would make fun of her - which is not true, we just wanted to see. I tried to get Princess Maxima to make a royal decree, forcing her, but she said it wouldn't work because Madonna is not her subject.

Stay "on loan"!

Dear Franz, I own an artwork purchased from a major New York gallery and I wrote twice, to both the former director and present director of a city-owned art museum to which I financially contribute, that my will says that I leave the piece to the museum.

I never received an acknowledgment.

Recently, a literary magazine had a long essay on the artist on the occasion of a show of his art in a major American museum. I sent the essay to my contacts at the museum mentioning that I had never received an acknowledgment.

At a museum event the other day, the museum director told me he recalled my letter but did not think it warranted a reply! Should I change my will?

Hello. For most of us, it's hard to keep track of our art. We've loaned this painting to this museum, and this sculpture to that museum. How many times have we been to a reception at a museum and we've noticed our own name underneath a painting? "That's mine?! I forgot about that one!" we exclaim. Let's have a virtual show of hands if that's happened to you more than fifty times. See! But I've never requested a thank you from a museum after telling them I was gifting something. Know why? I don't donate art. I know a friend who donated something Damian Hirst because he didn't care for it. Turns out, the museum then sold it for over a million euros or something. We were at Christie's together when we saw it go up. I said, "Isn't that the gutted cow sculpture that you gave to the Tate last year?" And you know what? It was. He wouldn't have only given a fraction of that profit as a financial contribution.

See?

That's really the meaning of art I think. Trends. Selling. I think so.

Waiters..

Dear Franz,

I am frequently walking down an aisle in a crowded restaurant or on a deck of a cruise ship, when a waiter is approaching carrying a heavy tray of drinks or dishes.

Should I step aside and let them go by, as they are carrying such a heavy load, or should I continue on and have them step aside? Although I am the guest, their task would appear to be much easier if I let them pass.


I had to think about, because I don't know when the last time I've crossed this problem. I would say in New York. It sounds likely. But what to do? I did trip a waiter one time. And that was ONLY because he didn't seem like he was going to let me through, and as one who doesn't like to make a scene, I did what I thought I had to do. I remember this waiter now, and I remember that was another reason to trip him: I didn't like the expression on his face. I remember thinking as I scrambled to avoid flying champagne cocktails, I was doing many people a favor. The idea was so that he would not do that again and hopefully he would tell other waiters not to do that either. So I'm sorry that that happened to you. Do you live in New York? Did you know that in New York and in the rest of the USA - one requires no certificate to be a waiter? Anyone can do it! And these are the people who are responsible for bringing us our food! If I were you, I would ask your congressman or woman if there's anything they can do about. They are your representatives in government and should be there to help you.

When I was living in New York I was more active in petitioning the mayor to arrest people for walking on their left on the sidewalks. I hope this problem had been corrected? I would ask my friend Donatella, who was there last week, but I know she prefers to be carried.

Anyway. I do hope I've helped!

Ewwww.

Dear Miss Manners: At the DMV for an extended wait to renew my license, I was reading my book and eating the sunflower seeds I brought to occupy my time.

Suddenly, a person from the row behind me (a person I had neither seen nor spoken to prior) taps me on the shoulder and says, “Can I have some of those?”

I shook my head, “No.” Frankly I felt that person had “overstepped.”

I seem to be the only one not horrified by my response . . . Was I wrong? Is there no boundary to sharing?

Had I been in a conversation with or sitting next to the person, I might have offered the food on my own. I may have felt more compelled to “share” if asked to do so, but it seemed rude to me for a total stranger to approach me from behind and request some of my food!

Dear Driver,

That is disgusting! I can't believe anyone eats sunflower seeds in public. I'm sure the person - and I'm sure of this - the person was just trying to draw your attention to the fact that you were eating sunflower seeds - in public! It was sarcasm. ... And I love how you call the sunflower seeds "your food." They're seeds, dummy.

Also, let me tell you too about the DMV. When I lived in New York I had to go there. This was years ago. For some reason they wouldn't let me submit my own, professionally taken portrait. Robert Mapplethorpe took it, as a matter of fact! Anyhow, I went in there and there was an enormous line. I just laughed. I thought "You must be kidding me." Why would anyone in their right mind stand in line at a dump like that? It was nasty and it wasn't worth it. I thought to myself, "You know, I'm just going to take my chances." And I did. I thought - if I get caught - I'll just get out of it. But I never did get caught. I'd even thought of what I would say to the police man who would pull me over: That my father owns Italian race cars! He did at the time, too. To me it says "He must know a thing or two about cars." Which I don't. But I would think that it qualify me to drive a small Porsche from here to there.

Anyhow. That's how I avoided the DMV. It might be worth it to take your chances and just not go. And now I'm extra glad I did. I cannot imagine standing next to someone for over an hour while they stood there and chomped up and down on sunflower seeds! It sounds like a true, living, nightmare!

"Weighty" Wedding Issues - pfft.

Dear Franz,

I'm having a serious dilemma with my mother and sister. My wedding is coming up, and my dress is on order. I was sized properly and am the same size as when I ordered it, though I can't convince my family that it will fit, or that I'll look good in it.

My mother has been vocal about my 'being heavy' since I was a teenager. She insists I'm 'not healthy' though I try to convince her I am, and she doesn't see how well I eat, or hear what my doctor says about my stats being fine. True, I am overweight, but I'm in good health and my fiancé loves me and appreciates me just as I am.

My sister was the peace-keeper for a while, but recently she lost weight and it's changed her perception of my weight. She insists I can't possibly be happy at my size because she wasn't. They cannot get past my reasoning, and insist that I can't 'feel fine with myself' because I'm not a few sizes smaller.

I'm extremely sensitive about this, probably because I've been dealing with it for so many years, but I just can't bring myself to be snide to my family. I consider myself to be very modest, nd have chosen a dress accordingly, so I can't figure out what the problem is.

I don't want them to come with me to my dress fitting because of their looks and comments, but my sister is my matron of honor. How can I help them see that I'm perfectly happy, and that my size is no one else's concern?

Dear Bride to Be,

I hate to be harsh, but I'm writing this answer because I want everybody to see what kind of questions I get all the time. And why it's hard for me to keep this thing up. Really, the answer to this question can be answered by saying:

Who cares?

But really. I know that's not the answer you were looking for. And for me to say "Mother is always right" doesn't help either. Because mother is never right almost. At least mine wasn't. I can't believe she was actually my mother. But anyhow, in this case - your mother is right. Because the truth only hurts when it hits home. If you were thin and beautiful, you would just laugh all of that nagging off. Right?

The truth is this: One is either thin or one is fat. I mean, as far as I know. Well, there is the category of "morbidly obese" (that phrase make me gag). So either you are thin and have no problem, or I could come over there and grab a chunk from your midsection. There is also a self test you can do at home: Lift up your top and try to grab a chunk of your midsection. If your hands are full of lard covered in human skin, then you need help. (See some of my early columns for "mega" weight loss tips!). Otherwise, who cares. Enjoy your special day!

P.S. BONUS ADVICE: I knew a bride who wasn't satisfied with her dress either. I told her about an old saying I heard: "Drink Gin, Feel Thin".. I don't know the science behind it, but it seems to work. So she had several before walking down the aisle and was fine. She seemed to be having a good time too. I sent the phrase to her later, monogrammed on a pillow as a gift.

Infidelity..

Dear Franz,

I had an affair with a married man for about nine months. I broke it off after finally realizing it wasn't going anywhere and he was lying to me about his intentions. Part of me wants him to feel pain for his actions. I want to contact his spouse anonymously and tell him not to trust him. Most of my friends advise against this, while a few tell me to go ahead. What do you think? -

Dear Adulterer,

I love questions about Adultery! Something about them, just brings me to life! First things first. I have to put you in your place:

1. Where did you think that the relationship was going to go? Did you think it would end well?
2. You are the homewrecker.

That being said: There are a MILLION ways you contact his spouse!

Princess Maxima and I have even thought about writing a book about it. She is really good about finding new ways. But let me give you the basics:

1. They never believe you. The first thing you must do is hire a private detective. (that must be the most fun job in the world). Get all the evidence you can. There is NOTHING in the world like seeing a smirk just disappear from someone's face, is there? I think that's one of life's "simple" pleasures.

2. Be cool about it, and have fun! You have to remember that bitterness is never attractive. Just do what you have to do, and take comfort in the fact that you have the upper hand.

3. If the marriage does break up and your lover wants you back, give it some time. You don't want to look desperate. I think desparity is as unattractive as bitterness. And remember: Once a cheater - always a cheater! Keep that private detective on your payroll.

I wish you the best. Viel Glück!