A Touch of....Chinchilla.

Dear Franz,

Recently my mother died and her estate was settled. She left everything to me and my brother on the condition that we sell nothing. I now have her furs. She has a black sable full length, a fox ski jacket and a chinchilla( 3/4 of course). That was it (she was a Jewish refugee from Russia and retained her humble roots, even after becoming a famous romance novelist.) The problem is, is that I don't like furs. Can I sell them? I don't want my brother's wife to have them either.

I get so many questions. And most of them I just read, because of time constraints. But this one takes the cake and I just have to respond.

Perhaps these furs are out of style? Ok. That I can sympathize. But you have can them restyled. So that excuse is out.

Perhaps you think fur is "cruel to animals"? Well, I can tell you that it's not. These animals are treated kindly so that their fur will shiny be, and ...how do you say...Lux. If these animals were treated unfairly or cruelly then their pelts would show it. So that's out too.

Furthermore, do you realize how that in this economy that there are many people who do not have fur coats, and how lucky you are to have three? People are walking around in polyester fiberfilled coats. Is that what you want for yourself?

Maybe you don't have arms? I don't know. Make them into a bedspread. I prefer coyote skins for throws, but I'm sure you're normal furrier could do something for you.

Postcard from Afrika...

Hello,

This is an image from my last trip around the coast of Africa. My two dear, dear friends, made this electronic post card for me. They said they did it themselves but I have no doubt, no doubt in my mind that they had the help of...Miguel (or something), the Greek (I think) cabinboy, that they picked up somewhere in the Greek Isles.. I think. He was helping them with everything the entire length of the trip. It started to get on my nerves actually. He was helping all the ladies on board. Athena Onassis was about the only one who wouldn't let him go below her poop deck. If you catch my drift. And don't say I'm dissing my my two friends, because they'd the first ones to brag about. "Ain't No Shame In Their Game" says my friend and BAP, Toni Morrison.

But anyhow, thank you ladies, and I miss you too. We're still on for the Mombassa Karneval in Kenya next month aren't we? Remember Iman says we can't miss it.

Yes, you can..

Dearest friends,

I have been on a well earned vacation. In AFRICA no less. Actually, better still, it was on a yacht around Africa. And let me tell you, it was so nice that it wasn't my ship for once. It's so nice, every once in a while, when someone invites you on their yacht instead. It's not everyday that that happens. But on that rest, I had the most inspirational moment:

A "friend" of a friend was invited when we docked in Capetown. I was warned that this girl was not noblesse, she was not famous, and in fact had not much to her name at all. Of course, at first I was wary. How do I approach her? What should I say? Will she want something from me? Will we have anything to talk about? But when I saw her, all of my anxieties were assuaged: She was so thin! How could you not love her!?

I was completely smitten. I couldn't figure out just why. As I was warned, she was no one. And on top of that she didn't even have much to say. But she didn't need to. She was so thin, and such a clothes horse that nobody cared! She was nice to look at. And it made me realize that this was something that everyone could learn from:

Not everyone can change the world. Not everyone can do "charity". And of course, not everyone can be noblesse (thank God).. But everyone. And I mean everyone CAN BE THIN! I mean, really - what does it take? Not eating so much? How much does that cost? Nothing.. Nothing at all. I mean, this girl was so thin, with just the right amount of cleavage that she could pull off the most crap Alexander McQueen crap couture shit gown. It almost made me want to cry. And with her giant sunglasses she was just the sweetest thing, you almost wanted to hug her. And I DO NOT like to hug.

But just think about it: If everyone were this thin, there may be world peace. And who wouldn't want that? Recently, I saw photos of "American Tea Party Protesters", and I was so saddened by all the fat I saw - all that grease. Who wouldn't be angry?

So let's all just take a tip from this girl. I don't remember what her name was, she honestly could've been some eastern european prostitute (My host was Russian), but she made my week, the week she was onboard. I can still see the sun shining off her shoulder blades (I actually gave her some of my whale placenta tanning creme.)

So maybe this week, when we're presented with a pasta dish we can think of this individual and all of us, we can.. just say no...

For world peace...

P.S. She was posing for this particular snapshot right before lunch on our last day.

The current baby market

One of the questions we receive here most at DearFranz is this one: From where should I adopt a baby? From what country? Where's the newest place? That question has always been popular, so that's why, last year, I developed a top ten list!

The newest on the list is Ireland. An Irish baby shows an awareness of the country's tanking economy and it's noticeable absence of once thriving charities, such as the Magdalene Laundries. The only obvious problem is that the baby's new owner constantly has to tell people about the adoption, since it may not be obvious (e.g. caucasian parent, caucasian baby). And new parents with darker skin may easily be accused of white slavery. Not good!

Donatella Versace and I spent nearly an hour on this list, so I really do hope that it helps. Actually it was longer than that: we were sitting by the pool and had just finished this list when this huge gust of wind blew that list away....right out into the Italian Riviera. I know she'd kill me for saying this, but you should've seen her chasing that sheet of paper...topless. We laughed so hard we almost died. (Even though we had to write down all ten countries all over again!)

Anyway, here it goes:

10. Ireland

9. India (Slumdog Millionaire is still having an impact)

8. Rwanda. What can you say? It has to be somewhere on this list.

7. Vietnam. Many of us who grew up in the seventies and eighties are probably nostalgic for our childhood playmates we got after the fall of Saigon.

6. Cambodia. Angelina Jolie would cut us dead if we didn't give this nation a "shout out"!

5. China. It seems rather mundane. So many people have them. But they just continue to be popular and really say, "adoption!".

4. Turks and Caicos. People really enjoy traveling back and forth there during the adoption process.

3. Ethiopia. A perennial favorite, probably since Hands Across America.

2. Malawi. Last year this was our number one. But two years in row just wouldn't be believable and I think other countries need a chance to "shine".

1. Congo. It's absolutely the most dangerous place right now, so no.1 is only natural, right?

Remember, this list could change immediately if there were to be some natural disaster, like a tsunami or an earthquake in some remote part of the world. Just hope nothing like that happens in the middle of the adoption process! That happened to a woman I know (remotely) and she was really upset about it at first, but then the adoption country became popular again, so everything turned out ok.

Best of luck to you all!

Let's give a round of applause!

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my friend Anna Wintour - she did such a good job on Letterman last night! She was so nervous, and really wasn't in the mood - but I think she did just fine. She seemed engaged, which I know she was not, and that was so kind! I hope everyone goes to see her movie. I forget what it's called.

But I can think of many parties this year where she was sorely missed: All due to the fact that she was working at her magazine. She works for a good cause and does so for very little money (or so I'm told). God Bless you Anna! Everyone send her flowers or money or something and go see that movie she's in. I don't think she actually acts in it. She was telling me all about it, and she seemed so very excited, but there was something going on in the background, so I was distracted. Or I was on a date or something.... Anyway, keep up the good work!

A little late for Bikini Season

This is a little late for the bikini season in America, but these are things I picked up from some friends in Sardinia!

Dear Franz,

I liked your advice about losing weight: Never eat unless you're with someone else. Do you have any thing else?

Dear Reader,

That really should work for everyone. Never eat unless you're with someone. For those of you who don't know, it's really just so everyone can say, "I don't know how they stay so slender, I always see them eating!"... But take it easy. Like everything else - use moderation. Only eat when you're with other, and in moderation. Maybe I forgot to say that.

But one of the best things I picked up this summer from some friends, and I won't say who - they'd kill me! One of the best things to do is to fool your metabolism by eating one almond an hour! I don't know why I never thought of that myself. So if you stay awake for say, 9 hours a day, always take with you 9 almonds! And reader - one almond an hour and nothing else! Save those calories for going out to dinner or a party. And remember moderation!

Here's a lesson for everyone regarding moderation. And I have no problem using her name, as we are not speaking this month. It was soprano Dawn Upshaw (sorry, Dawn!) and apparently she was using the almond trick, or at least trying. We were at a party that evening at 21 and she made a spectacle of herself, by gorging just about everything in sight. It was revolting! Apparently she ate so much that she vomited in the ladies room (Uninduced, mind you and I heard Renee Flemming had to hold her hair back, I don't know if that's true). So you can imagine what everyone was calling her: Upchuck. ... Writing this I almost feel sorry for her. But not really. She knows where to find me if she wants to apologize....

But not to get too far off the subject. The other weight loss trick I heard this summer is this - and it's a variation on an oldie but goodie: Wrap yourself in plastic, underneath your work out clothes, and walk on the treadmill at varying speeds for lengthy amount of time. Four hours is recommended, but if you can't do that, just find your own exercise trick. I don't know what else to tell you.

Except this: Another source told me that a bottle of magnesium citrate first thing in the morning the day after a party cancels out all the effects of the night before. This must be followed by a two day fast. Drink vegetable broth only to maintain strength.

Best of luck to all you snowbirds out there - See you in Rio!

Little People

Dear Franz,

I'm a 35 year old woman, and I've been asked repeatedly, the same vulgar question: "When are you going to have a baby?" ... I don't know how to answer that. I've worked hard on my body and have no desire to have it deformed by a pregnancy. Can I say that? It seems gauche, but that's really how I feel. And I know Sarah Jessica Parker just had twins grown for her, but I have no interest in that either. So just how do I stop the nagging?

Dear Lady,

I have to say that you are one smart woman. It is rather gauche explaining all the reasons not to bear children: There are already too many, they don't know to feed themselves, they relieve themselves in "diapers", and honestly, in this economy, affording full time help can be expensive. Not to say that you can't afford it. But that could be one way to put people in their place: Pretend that you can't afford full time help, and they may be very very embarrased they asked. (Blame it on Bernie Madoff) We all reluctantly admit that children are necessary for the continuation of the planet, but still. I have heard real horror stories from people who have had them. Applause to every wet nurse and nanny out there: what would people do without you!?

I was in Ireland recently (yes I know, don't judge!) and I saw that the people there are continuing to have them - much less than they used to but, still very.. actively. Yet, the Magdalene Laundries have been shut down since 1996 (fact)! I seriously hope that protestants there will step up and open more orphanages of their own.

(As a side note, my friend Elfriede and I just happened to be in Dublin on "Bloomsday" this past June. It was just absolutely hilarious. All of these people celebrating the fact they read or started to read Ulysses. It was almost endearing - I kept applauding and shouting out "Good for you! Good for you!". And Elfriede was hiding behind my back trying to catch her breath from laughter... People can be cute.)

However, back to your problem. And I'll make it brief. If you don't want to do the Bernie Madoff story, that's fine. I assume you won't want to claim that you're barren, so just do what I do when I'm faced with a question I don't want to answer. After a brief pause...answer back with a very, very icy glare. Stare them down until they change the subject, and I promise you that they'll never ask the question again. It works every time.

Personal Update.. From me, Franz

Dear Readers,

I feel absolutely horrible for abandoning my advice giving computer page blog thing. It's just that I was on this trip (and believe me, it was a trip) with ... so many people. Mainly I'd have to say Athina Onassis.. It was her boat. And let me tell you that it was just so nice being a guest on someone else's yacht for a change! I've heard so much nice feedback from friends reminding me that I really needed a break from hosting on my boat. Le Sardine. (I bought it from a frenchman in Sardinia, I thought that was clever!)...

Anyhow. For those of you who don't know, I started this page on the advice of my friend Donatella (a very famous fashion designer with a very successful business!). I give such good advice at parties I guess, I don't know - and I was really at a loss of what to do after my two Cavalier King Charles Spaniels died - (I have not ruled out murder, Nigella). I was just bored without them. And this seemed to help. But when I took up with Athena on this trip, which started in Malta, I became preoccupied. But I tried to buckle down, I really did. I told Madonna, "I think this is my new career!".. I love her to death, but she did not take me seriously. I was working up on deck one night, with my laptop and iPhone and trying to be good, when she, yes Madonna and of all people Chelsea Clinton (I have no idea when she got onboard) rushed up to me, and threw my equipment over... right out into the sea.

"You're supposed to be on vacation!!" Madonna said. At first I was upset. But, you know what? She was right. People cannot work months on end without taking a break. That's white slavery.

So people, I have piles and piles of emailed questions from you - printed out for me by new assistant Tee Ton (I think that's how you'd spell it - I found him in Bora Bora. I assume he'll correct me after he reads this). And in between I'll try to regale you with some of my stories from the trip. You could practically write a book about what happened to me. Watch out Athina!

Happy? St. Patrick's Day

Dear Franz,

I was invited to a "St. Patrick's" party, and I was appalled. I am not Irish, and do NOT look it whatsoever. How do I let this person know that I don't appreciate being thought of as someone who celebrates anything Irish? 

Dear Reader, 

You can't. But if you're like me, you will call PBS and ask for a refund on your donation unless you receive a written promise that they will never ever show anything like that "Celtic Woman" again. That was just heart stopping. 

But be sympathetic. That is the most important thing. You have to be thankful that you are who you are. Can you imagine nearly starving to death because you thought that the only thing humans could eat were potatoes? That's what brought most of them here. An entire race of people, living on an island, surrounded by fish, and they thought all that they could eat were potatoes. And when the potatoes went bad, they truly believed that they had to travel thousands of miles across an ocean to find potatoes in the new world.  They now call this "the potato famine". 

Once they were here, they had uncontrollable amounts of children, appeared always to be drunk, and fought endlessly. Even after finding all the potatoes they could eat. I hate to print this, but this is something that can be verified by countless political cartoons from the late 19th century. 

Anyhow, just remember that tolerance is the key here. Jesus asked to care for the least among us, and during this lenten season, that's something we should not forget! 

Let Me Entertain You!

Here's another reader question on entertaining at home. 

Liebe Franz,

When entertaining at home, do you have any after dinner entertainment suggestions? I go to so many parties and I see seem to see the same string quartet or local opera singers at every party. It REALLY gets annoying. I'm almost to the point that I hate Schubert.

Liebe Reader,

Well how about this: Just when your guests THINK they are sitting down for a long night with more paid Singspielers, surprise them! YOU can be the entertainment. You haven't spent years playing scales for nothing. And you should always be prepared with at least four pieces of different periods, baroque, classical, romantic, impressionistic...so you can always "mix it up". But make it personal. If your guests like early music, get that old family harpsichord out of the attic and form a little ensemble with your friends and family. Maybe they like twentieth century. My friend Elfriede Jelinek and I recently performed "A Flower" by John Cage after a dinner and it was an absolute smash. But whatever you choose to perform, be %110 prepared. You don't want to be embarrassed, thereby unnerving your guests. 

So, be the entertainer -  just do it:  It's much more personal and your guests will love you more for it! 

It's Today!

Dear Franz,

I'd love to host a dinner party, but I'm not quite sure just who to invite, or what to serve. Can you help?

Dear Reader,

Can I help? Of course! Let me tell you about my last dinner party, which, I'm sure was my best - and I do hate to toot my own horn. 

But take the guest list, for example. Always invite a varied, interesting group of people. That's the most important. Sit an astronaut next to an film star, a politician next to a prize winning activist. Recently my guests included Isabelle Huppert, Joschka Fischer, HRH Frederik André Henrik, and of course, my dear dear friend Björk.  Actually all you have to do is get Isabelle Huppert and Björk in the same room and it's a party. 

At dessert, I'd had an enormous Piece Montée made for just the occasion (highly recommended), and when the servants carried it into the room, complete with sparklers, Björk and Isabelle both let out this scream. The servants nearly dropped the entire croquembouche, and we could not stop laughing! HRH literally blew Kir Royale out of his nose!

So just remember, after they've forgotten details like the Veal Prince Orlaff, it's moments like those that count.  And maybe you don't think that, you too can through such a lavish party? You can. Save your pennies. Go without that new suit for a month or two. Put that new frock, or handbag on hold until you've met your budget. And ladies - it can never hurt to ask for a raise in that allowance (don't tell your husbands I said it!)

Barefoot Beefstock

Dear Franz,

Today I was watching "Barefoot Contessa" and she recommended using homemade beef stock. Now, I know you don't usually answer food questions, but I don't know who else to ask. Also, I assume that you must know Ina Garten.

Dear Reader,

Why of course I know Ina! We've been friends off and on for years, and she's been begging me to be on her show, but I just can't do basic cable.

Anyway, I called her just for you, Reader, and here's her recipe:

1 6lb Prime Rib

16 oz White Truffle Butter (clarified)

16 oz Black Truffle Butter (I like the combination of the two)

1 lb carrots, diced

1 lb shallots, diced

1 lb celery

1 teaspoon XO Cognac (recommended: Meukow)

Fleur de Sel (recommended: Le Tresor)

Pepper

Marinate Prime Rib in black truffle butter, Fleur de Sel and pepper for 24 hours. Saute vegetables in clarified white truffle butter. Add Prime Rib. Add enough water to cover. Bring to a boil and simmer for 6 hours. Add cognac.

Discard Prime Rib remains. Strain and store in quart containers.

How easy is that?

Just slum it!

Dear Franz,

I saw Slumdog Millionaire and I loved it. I really would like to try "slumming it" myself. Do you have any tips? I'm kind of scared!

Dear Reader,

Slumming it can be a lot of fun! It's great for people watching. I can give you some tips, but be warned: Many of our nation's poor can be violent, so try not to stare too much at any one person. Especially if they're of the same gender.

During the day you can go to what are called "dollar stores". They're really a lot of fun, in a creepy way, and everything there really is only a dollar! You've undoubtably seen them around, usually their names have "Dollar" in there somewhere. Don't be afraid! You don't have to touch anything if you're not ready to, and the people there can be really hilarious. Make sure to look at the content combination in their baskets. The last time my friend Anoushka and I visited one of these places, she made the most keen observation. After looking around in silence, she took a deep breath and said, "This is what it must've been like in Ceausescu's Poland".....I got chills.

But if you do happen to feel up to it, buy something. Your friends won't believe you when you tell them! 

At nighttime, I would not recommend starting out going to "neighborhood bars" - which would be somewhat extreme and can be really emotionally difficult. Try starting out at "casual dining" establishments such as "Applebee's" and "TGI Fridays". You'd never believe what some people leave the house looking like, and sometimes the foodstuffs on their plates can even be more shocking! Oh, and the portion sizes can be literally breathtaking. But in the end, it's eye opening and you may feel changed at the end of the night. 

These are just a couple of things you can do, and, depending on your comfort level, there may be many more.

Our Tax Dollars at Work

Dear Franz,

Recently, while waiting in line at the supermarket, I overheard someone make a mean spirited comment about the contents of my cart. I thought it was rude, and so I said "f*** you" (to no one in particular, just in hopes that whoever said that would hear it). What should I have done to respond to such rudeness?

Dear Shopper,

How else will you learn that everyone is judging you by the contents of your shopping cart? I hate "going to the grocery" more than anyone - (could it be more embarrassing?) - and one reason is because seeing the food combinations in the shopping carts! I imagine that cashiers really have to try not to gag sometimes. Once I even asked one, "How did you not gag just then when you had to scan that combination of.... food? All that Wonder Bread!". The woman just shrugged. I felt so sorry for her. 

Since then (I have had to "go to the grocery" several times over the last year), I've realized that people with the most disgusting carts (Coke, boxes of frozen macaroni and cheese, and Funyuns) - almost always paying with cards that have no credit card logos. And reader, "THESE ARE MODERN DAY FOOD STAMPS!"  Yes. Food stamps are no longer in stamp form. At first I would always assume these people would be the ones to (still) whip out their check books, but no..... They all use the same red, white and blue cards - that are actually food stamps. And because it is legal to buy Coke and Funyuns with food stamps (It is NOT punishable by law), I urge everyone everywhere (especially the cashiers out there), to please make eye contact and glare at these people. Glare as you've never glared before! Until buying junk food is punishable by law, or tar and feathering, all we can do is glare (and mutter, "would you look at that...." under your breath.)

So to answer your question. There is nothing you can do. Buy better food. Learn to shop the periphery of the supermarket. And if you are shopping for a party (still), or some other justifiable reason, and there's a lot of junk in your cart, by all means - explain that to the person behind you in line. It's called open dialogue - it's what the world needs more of!

 

What Kind of Whore am I?

Dear Franz,

Someone who I thought was a "friend", I've heard,  has been calling me a whore behind my back. I can't believe it! I'm merely a very open minded, independent, woman - who happens to have a sex-positive attitude. How can I confront her?

Gentle Whore,

I do hope you know (everyone else does) that "sex-positive" just really means: "slutty." Come now.

But that doesn't mean that you can't live the way you want to (no matter how...... salacious) . It's just like everything else. You are perceived by what people know about you. Which just means, you can do anything in the world as long as nobody knows. Contracting a social disease or becoming impregnated are the worst cases of letting people know what you've been up to. Otherwise - no worries. So do whatever you want - just remember: Shhhhhhh.........

Wachet Auf!

Dear Franz,

Why are people so rude on the road? How do I deal with the Road Rage of others? I almost hate to get into my car?

Dear Reader (who almost surely cannot drive),

I have to admit, sometime people do call it "Road Rage", but there are those days when you sometimes have to use your horn on an entire car trip. (Wouldn't it be lovely if some nice scientist would invent a device that would allow car horns to sound continuously, no tiresome, endless horn pressing?)

Just today, I could not stop honking, people were so slow and just so stupid. It's really unbelievable sometime, isn't it? Oftentimes, I sense people are eerily hypnotized upon entering their vehicles... This requires sensible drivers (like yours truly), to honk their horns, sometimes incessantly, to awaken them.

So to answer your question, learn to drive and sensible drivers will no longer bother you.

Some cars are created more equally than others.

Dear Franz,

I have a rich friend (Her aunt lives in Beverly Hills!). She told me, as I was driving that one should always yield to cars that are more expensive than their own. As a Carolla owner, I was outraged! Where did she hear this? It can't be true.

Dear Toyota owner,

Your friend was only partially correct. One should always yield to European luxury cars. You never have to worry about asian ones, that's for sure. And if you ever come into the situation - as I many times do - where, two Mercedes approach a stop - Model may play as a factor. For example, E class yields to C, etc. etc. And if, by chance the cars are exactly the same - exactly - then cleanliness should be the tie breaker.

All of this simply comes down to old fashioned advice: Know your place.

Now how about those Holiday pounds?

Dear Franz,

I've gained a little weight this Holiday Season, any advice on how to get back in shape?

My dear, weak and fat reader,

Shame on you!  Just do what I do at parties.. Stand back, relax and just glare at people like you, and there's just no way you'll let that happen again! Think of Our Stars, and what they go through in the constant scrutiny of the camera - in other words, always think of yourself being filmed or photographed, and you'll have a much harder time shoving an entire dip filled cracker in your pie hole, and much harder time finishing that glass of wine in two gulps. You know that's what you did and you know that's exactly how you "gained a little weight this holiday season".  

But allow me to answer your question. Follow my advice and you'll be back to seeing that hip bone in no time! 

1. No carbs

2. Never eat while no one's watching (never eat in private), and then

3. Never eat more than 6 oz...

And don't forget those 8 -10 glasses of water a day!