THE CHILDREN PREFER THE GOVERNESS... (WHO CARES!)

Dear Franz,

We have been lucky to have the same wonderful, caring nanny since our 2-year-old was 3 months old. She lives with us, so often she is around even when off-duty.

It has been great in many ways because my husband’s and my leaving for work causes our son no stress, and he is in great hands.

At times, though, he wants to play with the nanny rather than us, or asks for her when she’s not around. A part of me says this is good — I have so many friends whose kids cry when they leave — but the other part worries he doesn’t understand who the parents are. Is this something to be concerned about?


No. This is nothing to be concerned about.

Isn't that a good thing that your child asks for the nanny and not you? Would you like the alternative? Hearing that child scream your name all the time and having him ask you to do certain things?

That doesn't seem like fun to me!

Your child will know who his parents are. Trust me. At this point, it's just playtime and wanting this and that. Cookies, I imagine. And ice cream - I remember I was always asking my governess for ice cream.... And foie gras - could never get enough!

But there will come a time when the nanny won't be able to help him. The nanny won't be able to pay for his vacations, or school or first house or car or boat. She won't be able to fill the boat's gas tank! And that's where you come in - and that's when your child will know who's really in charge.

Besides that - isn't there boarding school in the near future?

In any case, consider your situation a blessing. Go on vacations and travel the world! You don't have to worry about the child missing you since he won't!

Make sure to buy the eBook, available on Amazon: Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg! UPDATE: It's soon to be available on iTunes, Sony and Barnes & Noble... I'm not sure what all this means, but if it has meaning to you - make sure to buy it!

FERTILITY, STOLEN BABY NAMES

Dear Franz,

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over two years. I feel like my life is in a holding pattern. We’ll be starting IVF soon. Already tried some other high-tech procedures. I can’t plan a vacation or commit to anything long-term outside of work because “soon I might be pregnant.”

After living my life like this for two years, I am getting really tired of it. We really want a child. I’m 35, so I don’t feel like we can take a break. Any advice? This stinks. Oh — also, almost all of my friends are currently expecting their second children. And my brother and sister-in-law gave their child the name we’d always wanted to name ours. How to move past this? Or through it? Or something?


The best advice for you is this: Forget about "having a baby" or whatever - and do something else! Obviously you're not having a good time - why not do something fun?

But if you really can't get past the desire to have a baby - try holding off. Perhaps adopt a child or two when you're older and there's less to do - less to fill your days. Right now, you're in your thirties. It should be the best time of your life. Why do you want to be anchored down?

And if you really, really, really just have to have a baby (i.e. are obsessed) - then why not combine the fertility treatments with a vacation? You are aware that they have doctors in almost every part of the world? From Majorca to Tahiti!

And about your relative stealing your baby name. Don't worry about it. If you ever do have that baby - just use the name anyway. But make sure to spread the word that your relatives stole that name from you - and that your child is "the real Winthrop Witherspoon" or whatever.


Make sure to buy the eBook, available on Amazon: Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg! UPDATE: It's soon to be available on iTunes, Sony and Barnes & Noble... I'm not sure what all this means, but if it has meaning to you - make sure to buy it!

THE SUMMITS OF THE DOLLS!

Dear Franz,

Maybe you are too young to understand this, but what does one do when getting old? I don’t have the energy I once had. My quality of life is going down. I need to find a better job but I am getting nowhere. The future seems so bleak. There is nothing to look forward to. How do I cope with the next 20 years of misery?

Wow!

How do you know you have 20 years left? One never knows. You may have 30 or 40. You could live to be the oldest person alive! One never knows. Be prepared!

I imagine that this question has more to do with your loss of looks. Is that it? Are you wondering how you're going to survive the coming years with the way you look now?

Because you don't have to settle for that. Change your looks!

It seems to me as though this reader hasn't heard of the miracles of pills and plastic surgery! Don't you all agree?

What you need to know reader, is that there's pretty much a pill for everything nowadays! Think about it - it's 2011!

Sad? There's a pill for that.
Slap happy? Take a downer.
Fat? Take a diet pill.
Unmotivated? Take an ADD pill.

And so on, and so forth... (It sounds like the reader needs quite a combination!)

Perhaps there's a stigma that comes along with taking too many pills. But that's up to you to feel guilty about it. Why not try giving your pills a new name, like "dolls?"

Red doll makes me happy, Blue doll makes me sleep...

You know!

And I can already hear the emails being read to me: "You copied that from that book 'Valley of the Dolls!'"

And well whatever, yes. It's true. But apparently not everybody's read it. I'm just giving the readers some "tips" and "ideas" from the book in case they haven't!

There's a reason why that book has been in print for 40 years: so many wonderful tips and life lessons to help out everyday people - just like this depressed reader!

But remember that the title of this classic novel/self-help book is somewhat misleading. A "valley" is a low-point, it's true. But you have to remember - that with every valley, there are hilltops! Just like Neely O'Hara, you too can climb back up those hills with a little help your "friends." So shop around for doctors, and keep experimenting. Find out what's going to work for YOU!



Make sure to buy the eBook, available on Amazon: Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg! UPDATE: It's soon to be available on iTunes, Sony and Barnes & Noble... I'm not sure what all this means, but if it has meaning to you - make sure to buy it!

UNWANTED CHILDREN SHOCKED TO FIND OUT!

Dear Franz,

Is it ever right to tell someone that they weren't really wanted?

I know of at least three people who were told their parents would have had an abortion if they'd had the money/the mother wanted to put her head in the oven when she found out she was pregnant/the child was conceived despite birth control and wasn’t wanted. Is this normal?


I can't be certain - but most parents feel this way when they discover that they're about to have children. No child can really say that their mother didn't want to "stick her head in the oven" when she found out that she was pregnant.

Finding out that one is going to have a child can be one of the most devastating experiences a human can have.

For the mother, it means stretching and deforming of the body - sometimes with irreversible results. For the father, it can mean letting go of the majority of his income - a drain on his inheritance that one can never plug.

I can't imagine what that would be like.

My mother told me almost everyday of my life (when I saw her) that she couldn't believe that she'd gotten pregnant. ("I was soooo careful! I was always sooooo careful!! Good God!" ) So I simply grew up thinking that was a normal thing to say - like, "Good Morning" or "Did you sleep well?"

But apparently for other people - this is something that is hard to hear - difficult to grasp.

Why is that? I couldn't tell you. People are weird. And they need to get over it.

But if someone you know is suffering from hearing this for the first time - let them know that it's ok. It's perfectly normal and it's something that all mothers tell their children sometime or another. Some hear it more often that others, but still - we all hear it. Just think of it as normal fact of life and move on! And if that doesn't work - make sure to stress the positive: They're here, they made it - and their mother never did stick her head in the oven. Some people are big on "stressing the positive", so if they are, perhaps you could pander to that need.

I WASTED MY BEST YEARS. NOW WHAT?

Dear Franz,

After 24 years of a committed relationship with my boyfriend, "Jesse" -- who I thought was my knight in shining armor -- I have decided to end it because he doesn't want to marry me or have children with me. We're in our 40s now and have dated since high school. We don't live together.
If I leave Jesse, I know I'll be broken-hearted, but there's another man, "Pete," I have known almost my entire life, who has made it clear he'd like to be more than friends. I have recently found myself becoming more and more attracted to him.
Should I allow the friendship with Pete to develop into an intimate one, or could it spell disaster?


Oh my God. That's depressing!

Are you sure that you weren't stalking this person for 24 years? Are you sure that you were really in a committed relationship? For some reason, I have to think that this was all in your head - for 24 years no less. It makes sense that I think that - doesn't it?

The only words of comfort I have for you: I hope that you were very,very,very happy living in a dreamworld this entire time. Because if you were happy and had no idea that this was never going to work out - then it's okay. All that matters is, is that you have or had fun. Know that you probably have to move on.

As for your friend "Pete" - go for it!

But make sure to wake yourself up (slap some cold water on your face) and try to use some "intuition" to figure out if he wants what you want: marriage and children. Which to me, it sounds like it may be too late for both - but women's ovaries are all different. Yours may still be alive, I don't know. Only a scientist can determine that.

However. I have to admit that, considering your past - you're probably living in a dream world with "Pete" as well. So don't get your hopes up. I admit I don't have a good feeling about it.

I don't know what your economic status is either.

If you have money - try being a philanthropist or something like that. It should keep you busy and you may meet someone worthwhile in the process. Probably not, but it will keep your busy - and it will keep your mind off of the last 24 years that you wasted.

If you aren't wealthy - as I've realized that a number of people who write to me are not - then start breeding cats and learning how to knit. Neither costs too much! Because if you don't start knitting now, then in a couple of years your motor skills may prevent you from learning how. You're not getting any younger! Anything to take your mind off the last 24 years. That's what's important!

In any case - ENJOY middle age. Your twilight years will be here before you know it!



AND BUY THE EBOOK ON AMAZON

NO TIME TO RESCHEDULE BIRTHDAY LUNCH? WHO CARES.

Dear Franz,

A longtime friend celebrated her birthday some weeks ago. I was unable to attend her dinner party, and offered to take her out to dinner another night. The day we planned to go out, she called to cancel because of work. We rescheduled, and once again she canceled day-of because she was not feeling well.

She wants to reschedule yet again, and I do understand that her reasons for canceling were unpleasant and beyond her control. But after three weeks and two cancellations, I've lost the inclination to follow through on the original birthday dinner plan.

Am I still obligated to take her out? If not, how do I tell her that I'd still love to get together, but I won't be treating her to a birthday dinner?


You can't tell her that. But you don't have to go out if you don't want to.

What's the big deal?

Have a gift certificate sent to her. But make sure it's just enough for one person since you won't be there.

If the person is important - why not invite them onboard with you when you set sail? Give them only days notice so that they won't be able to come. But at least you offered the invitation and it's on the record!

THIS WIDOW IS JUST FINE

Dear Franz,

My husband died almost two years ago. As many widowed people have learned, friends and acquaintances mean well but often say inappropriate things to those who are grieving, likely because they don't know a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is all we usually need to hear. Now some of those well-meaning people have decided it is time I start dating.

How do I politely tell them that it is none of their business? When I explain I have no interest in dating, they typically tell me I'm "too young" not to date and presumably find love again. Some of these people get very passionate about my need to date, to the point where sometimes I end up feeling defensive or privately ending up in tears.

I wear my wedding rings, both because they are beautiful pieces of jewelry with a lot of personal meaning to me, and also as a symbol that I am most definitely not in the dating market. Some have even had the nerve to tell me I shouldn't wear my rings now, which is surely no one's business but mine as well. Should I ever decide to date in the future, it will be my decision and no one else's. How do I get folks to understand that until (or if) that should occur?


I wouldn't get too upset about that. It's just small talk.

People don't just say things like that out of the blue, I don't think. Because most people probably don't care what you do. I have to assume that you're divulging some type of information that lets on that you're feeling a little blue.

Are you constantly talking about being a widow?
Are you constantly talking about being in mourning?
Are you constantly talking about being bored? Lonely? Nowhere to go?

That kind of stuff?

That's kind of what I'm hearing.

In this case - people are just trying to think of what to say.

If you're really getting this advice unsolicited - and you have no need for it - Just do what you would do for any type of unsolicited advice:

Stare at the person without blinking for 5 to 10 seconds, depending on how offended you are. Then simply turn the other way and go on about your day.

That's pretty easy, isn't it? And that way you haven't said anything that you'd later regret.


P.S. Don't forget the wealth of dating and relationship advice found in the eBook, now on Amazon!

MY COUSIN'S WIFE IS REALLY MEAN!

Dear Franz,

Surely your family has endured a seemingly lovely gal who marries in to your family, is embraced and loved, and turns into a psycho raving monster within a year or so of the nuptials?

My cousin’s wife is this person, and her treatment of my aunt (her mother-in-law) is so awful it is painful to watch. Her most recent performance had numerous family members in tears. My aunt puts on a brave front, prays about it, and bites her tongue so she is not denied any more (ridiculously limited) time with her only grandson.

I’d like to approach my cousin with what we witnessed and basically ask him if he hasn’t the spine to keep his wife from treating his mother so badly. Any suggestions on how to phrase it a bit more politely?


O... I would love to see this!

You haven't given any details, so I can't be sure what to really think. Your cousin's wife (I guess you're a close family to care about your cousin's wife) - she may be just what the doctor ordered. Perhaps your cousin is having the time of his life watching this. Have you ever given that a thought? Perhaps his wife is saying things that should have been said for years and years and years! This could be a joy for him - something that you shouldn't want to take away.

One big thing is - you really don't know how your aunt treated her family in private - so minding your own business could be another option.

But your cousin's wife seems like a really fun person - why not invite her to lunch and get the gory details yourself? That sounds like a lot more fun then trying to stir things up with your cousin. Make sure to pretend that you're on her side. It may give you a lot of insight to the situation. Perhaps you'll see things from a different point of view.

But be careful if you invite this woman out for lunch! It sounds like she's pretty witty - so be prepared and have some zingers of your own prepared in case she insults you.

In any case - good luck. And have fun learning more about your family!


And don't forget about there's more advice in my eBook - available today on Amazon.com!

JUST SAY "I DON'T" TO MOCK WEDDING

Dear Franz,

My daughter got engaged at Christmas to a military fellow. They were to have a spring 2012 wedding, but chose to elope in May before he deployed.

Now she wants to have a vow renewal ceremony and celebration with all the trimmings. I have no problem with a vow renewal, but I take issue with a wedding gown, bridesmaids, bachelorette/bachelor parties or even bridal showers.

The biggest issue is that she and her husband now live 13 hours from both families. But they want this “event” to take place in their home town where, yes, his Army buddies are, so they can do this “sword” ceremony. This feels like just a big, expensive show for their friends, given that little family can attend. My contention is that if family is truly important, the “event” will take place in her home town, and friends can make the trip. I am losing lots of sleep over this.


Don't lose sleep over it. You're daughter is stupid and tacky, yes. But just don't have anything to do with and act like it isn't happening. If your daughter wants you to be there - make sure you have a vacation planned for the same time. That should take care of that. If you have friends that you think will find out about this tacky event - why not invite them on your vacation? It sounds like a great time to charter a yacht if you don't have one.

And if you're daughter presses you as to why you want nothing to do with it - make sure to tell her about herself. Don't lose sleep. Losing sleep is almost never worth it.

Remember that it's not your opinion or mine that what she wants to do is tacky. It's just a fact. A fact that we can't change. We didn't write the rules!

However. I don't like that you don't have a problem with a "vow renewal."

"Vow renewals" where other people are coerced to attend is the apex of egotism. Nobody cares about that nonsense - nobody but the couple - and they pretend that other people want to take time out of there busy schedules to watch them pamper their egos. I don't care how much champagne is involved - it's dumb! Every night we must chose which party to go to. Why should we go to one where we have to sit through something like that?

It's really trying that people are so egotistical isn't it? It's something that I have to deal with almost everyday - reading these questions. But I'm glad I do it. I'm glad I do my little part to help society. And yes - I do feel like I'm trying to empty the ocean with a tea spoon - but I carry on!

What would you do without me?



Don't forget I have all sorts of advice on love and marriage and weddings and all the stuff! It's my eBook available on Amazon!

WHEN THE TINGLE BECOMES A CHILL

Dear Franz,

My boyfriend of a year and a half went on a three-week trip to Asia with a random group of college students his age. Now that he is home, he is moody, almost depressed and just doesn’t seem to be investing much into our relationship. I can’t believe it because we had an amazing relationship. I know he must miss being on vacation and the people he met, but I just wish I could have my old, loving boyfriend back. Any advice?


Yes I do! Get rid of him before he gets rid of you.

Right now he's in the stage where he doesn't know how to tell you that he wants to break up. Because you see - he was just on a trip where he discovered that there's more to the world than he previously thought. And now, for the first time, he realizes all the possibilities that life presents and he would like to explore them - and he would like to explore other options as well. You represent his old life - the one from which he would like to separate.

But right now, he doesn't feel that he can talk about these things with you. That should be a big sign. Why not read it?

So get your things together and break up with him before he has the chance to humiliate you.

Why not go on your own trip to find yourself like he did? You'll probably realize that he wasn't "all that" to begin with. That should make you feel better!


and P.S. Don't forget that I have more advice on love and romance in my eBook: Dear Franz! Available at Amazon.com!

ENGAGED AGAIN?

Dear Franz,

What is the appropriate waiting period after a contentious divorce to announce engagement to another?


Never.

That means, nobody wants to hear about an engagement of someone who just went through a contentious divorce. Why would anybody want to know about that? All you would be doing is letting people know that they're just a couple years away from hearing about yet another one of your "contentious divorces." Big fun!

Just announce the wedding. That way - nobody can say anything about it because it's already said and done.

For example......here are the different responses you would receive:

On your engagement: "Oh my Lord...."

On your marriage: "Oh my!"

If you're ever in the situation to announce something, and you think there's the chance that someone will try to talk you out of it - just make the announcement at the last minute.

Want to buy a car and think someone will talk you out of it? Buy it - then announce it.

Pregnant and think someone will talk you out of it? Wait until fetal viability - then announce it.

And so on and so forth!


And don't forget all the marriage and divorce ideas from my eBook, now available at Amazon.com!

WHEN IS THE DOG THE SAME AS A BABY??

Dear Franz,

What should be done about someone who insists on referring to a dog as a person/child/baby when it is done without any indication that it’s a joke? This person is fully aware that other people are expecting actual, real children, and don’t like the equivalency the dog person is creating. Grin and bear it, or say, “Please stop equating your dog with this baby”?


I don't like your attitude.

But the answer is this: Yes.

You would think that it would depend on the dog. You would think that not everyone can claim "child status" for their pooch - but if they're anything like my little Lulu, then you wouldn't think twice.

You probably know this, but it bares repeating: Lulu is a direct descendant of King of Tangiers - Queen Margrethe of Denmark's champion miniature poodle. Lulu is the only surviving member of the family, and I haven't decided if I'm going to breed her or not - so yes. She's quite important! More important than many children - so one can definitely call her my baby! I would imagine that she's insured more than most children as well.

Can you imagine if something would happen to her?

I sure can't.

But I admit not everyone has a Lulu. Or access to such lineage.

What about people with mutts? Like from a pound. I would say - yes. Call them whatever you would like. Your babies, children - your poopoowiiwiimiimii...Whatever! They're yours.

People with ugly children still refer to THEIR children as "babies" or "kids." I've seen it plenty of times. I've been introduced to people's children and I've thought, "How on earth do you admit that!?" And they do!!! :).... Me personally, I would say that I'm doing charity work or something! Am I alone in that? (I doubt it.)

So let's celebrate our little babies! Be proud of them! Especially if they're of champion lineage. If not - be just a little more held back.

I WANT A GIRL BABY!

Dear Franz,

I am six months pregnant with my first child and I DESPERATELY want a girl. I’m not sure why, exactly — I have great relationships with my father/brothers/nephews/husband — but the desire is so strong I’m a little concerned. I’ve insisted on not finding out the baby’s gender. I’m claiming I want to be surprised, but really it’s because I’ll be devastated if it’s a boy.

If it is a boy, how do I handle the disappointment and avoid being unfair to an innocent little baby? I’m hoping that once my real-live baby is in front of me, I won’t care what it is. Does this happen?



O my God! Who cares?

Who cares?

I think what's not getting through your head is this: you're about to have a baby. And what's the difference between a girl baby and a boy baby?

Nothing. Only that one gender can projectile urinate on you. They both scream. They both cry. And they both defecate into "diapers" that have to be "changed."

And tell me... How many years do you have to be around the child until boarding school? Six years tops? A long time, yes - but do you have to be around them all the time?

I don't think so. Have you ever heard of vacation?

And I try to put myself in your shoes. What would I do differently with a girl or boy baby?

Not too much...... Actually nothing..

Personally my poodle Lulu - yes, she's a girl. But would I care if she were a boy? Perhaps. Because I like the name Lulu, and it's not a boy's name.

So it IS a boy - then why not try to think of a girl name that could be also be a boy name? Like Chris... Or Frauke?

In either case, you have a 50/50 chance of being upset if you continue with this attitude. So get over it. Move on to the next thought - like that first bottle of Champagne you'll drink as SOON as you hand that thing over to the Wet Nurse!

Isn't that some to look foward too?

And P.S. Look at the photo - can you tell if it's a girl baby or a boy? I can't...


And P.P.S..........For more tips on the rearing of children - buy the ebook! Dear Franz: Tips for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

TEEN MOM

Dear Franz,

Our problem has many layers. Our 16-year-old son fathered a child. At this time, he does not have a relationship with the mother, who is also 16. We encouraged her to give the baby up for adoption but we were unsuccessful. The baby is now 3 months old and we have seen him a few Saturdays in a row for several hours. He seems to be a very good baby and has been no problem.

Here are our many dilemmas: Our son has no interest in parenting (he is not ready), we are in our late forties and not really interested in being new parents again either, the mother would like us to have the baby each weekend from 1 p.m. to 8 p.m. both Saturday and Sunday.

I can already feel resentment building. My husband and I don’t want to spend our entire weekend caring for a child. I need to unwind and get things done around the house and we are enjoying some freedom with a son who is almost an adult.

I know it is not the baby’s fault and I am not frustrated with him. My son obviously made an error in judgment and we are all paying the price. I feel like I probably can handle one day a week and we are trying to set a good example for our son by being responsible. We feel that our son eventually needs to step up and be a father to this child, but I am concerned that if we force him to take care of his son, then he will resent his child.

What do you think? Should we continue to care for our grandchild on the weekends, or is this something our son needs to do? — Grandma too early


Dear Grandma,

Your problem does have many layers!

1. You failed at parenting when your teenager impregnated another teenager.
2. Your son is now failing at parenting.
3. The girl had the baby - major fail.

What a mess! There were so many missed opportunities to sweep this problem under the rug, and now nobody knows what to do... That's fantastic.

What is wrong with you people? And what do you mean "encouraged" adoption?

You just simply encouraged it? Are the words "force" or "trick" not part of your vocabulary?

The fact that your son knocked a girl up is partially your fault. That's all there is to it. You messed up your own life. Now your weekends are ruined and there's this baby to deal with.

If you really want to keep your weekends free, this is what I recommend:

Ask the other family how much they want. Most likely, that's what they've been after this entire time. Tell them it has to be a lump sum - no payments! Get it over with. Make it legal. With this lump sum, you're out of the picture completely - and they take care of everything. Make sure that baby doesn't have your child's name either - otherwise there's no point.

After that's over and all ties are severed - make absolutely sure you send your son to some kind of detention center or military school for as long as he's allowed to be there. He's an idiot and deserves to be punished - and severely. The teen mom and her family are also in need of severe, severe punishment - but there's nothing you can do about that, unfortunately. (It's a shame, I know.)

And after that - then you can relax. Pretend it never happened. That's the only thing you can do to get on with your life.....


Remember that if you ever find yourself responsible for children - you can find fantastic childcare advice in my book - Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

CAN I MAKE IT UP TO MY CHILDREN?

Dear Franz,

Seventeen years ago I divorced the mother of my four children. After a heated divorce lasting several months, we agreed on things and split up legally. Throughout the proceedings my wife used my children as weapons against me, and I spent the next several years listening to insult after insult from my children, driven from their mother. Under no circumstances will I paint the picture that I was the perfect angel, but I never expected or deserved what I got from them. I've tried everything to get our relationships mended, I've really bended over backwards, but I don't seem to get the response I'd like.


Dear Reader,

Too late!

Seventeen years ago? And YOU divorced the mother of your children? And you admit that you weren't the "perfect angel?" I would have to admit that "not the perfect angel" sounds to me like it would have to mean something worse than we can ever, ever imagine.

And Reader. Children are young and impressionable. It's not hard to win their confidence. They're extremely vulnerable as well. So saying that your ex used your children as a weapon is really a very poor excuse. That just means you didn't even try. Because how difficult is it to win over a child? Not hard. Because if you weren't "the perfect angel," then you have got to remember that just remembering Birthdays and Christmas is not hardly even close to enough. You really have to go nuts on the gifts to make up for whatever it is you did. Apparently you didn't do this. You should have done that from year one, not 17 years later!

Idiot.

So what can you do now? Not much. It was your decision to begin with. But before you move on, try one last thing. Be very frank about your will. Let them know what they'll be missing if they don't want a relationship with you. If that doesn't work, why not find a new hobby or friends with similar interests. There are a million other things you can do on this earth to fill up your remaining years. Find something you enjoy doing! Even those who aren't "perfect angels" deserve that too!


And remember - if you'd like even MORE advice on children, marriage and divorce - don't forget the book: Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg - now available on Amazon.com!

READER QUESTION: THE THIN HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

Dear Franz,

After just having a stressful lunch with some friends, I’d like to shout out that thin people don’t like to be mocked any more than overweight people do.

I’m 38 and weigh the same as when I was 18. Let me tell you, I’m not bragging. After 20 years and two kids, nothing looks like it used to or is even in the same place it used to be. I don’t have a spectacular figure, just a thin one.

But I’m tired of being accused of calorie-counting, starving myself or exercising constantly. I’m tired of the snickers with sidelong glances from people about how they “enjoy their food” and would “rather be happy than thin.” Truth be told, I just don’t have a strong relationship with food. I eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full, and I’ve never had a big appetite.

I’m tired of feeling like I can never defend myself for fear of insulting someone. I usually just keep my mouth shut or change the subject.

Just like anyone else, I don’t want to be mocked or stereotyped. Can you please remind your readers that it’s not nice to make comments about someone’s weight, regardless of what their weight is?


Dear Reader,

If I could say just one thing, it's this: grow up!

This is the kind of nagging and kidding the whole world dreams about. Why fight it?

You're not being mocked or stereotyped at all: you're being envied. The only thing you should be worried about - or the only thing that should bother you is that this "criticism" hasn't gone far enough. The ultimate goal, or the ultimate indirect compliment is when your friends start to "worry" about you - when they start telling you that you're "too" thin. That's when you know that they're really jealous! This is your friends' way of telling you, "Come back. Please. Be like me. I'm feeling insecure standing next to you. I'm frightened."

And I can understand where your friends are coming from as well. I can imagine that if I was out to lunch with you, and I wanted to eat a giant cheese platter for dessert, and you just sat there - I would probably be jealous too. Who wouldn't say that they would rather "eat and be happy than be thin?" But people don't really mean that when they say it. It's more like a form of self hypnosis so that they can enjoy dessert. You know what I mean?

So instead of getting yourself all worked up, sit back and sympathize with their insecurities. Just try not to smirk. People HATE that.


And don't forget that there are even more diet tips in my book, Dear Franz: Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

PRINCESS CHARLENE WRITES....

Princess Charlene took the time to write to me to tell me that she is not a model. She was a swimmer. I knew that too.

But it IS hard to keep track of all the different careers of the commoners that are getting married to royalty these days! I doubt I'm alone in thinking this!! :)

Anyhow. I hope that she took it as a compliment that I thought she was a model, because she could be! Not that she's going to be needing to do make a living anymore, I don't mean that.

AND - Isn't that fantastic that in 2011 communication is so fast? Who knew that she would see my blog entry so quickly. There they are on their honeymoon, and she's reading DearFranz.com..

So Char - I hope that you're not cross with me about what Princess Maxima and I were talking about during the wedding. You KNEW all that I think anyway. :-/ And if you need to know anything else at all - please let me know. Because I know EVERYTHING!

Enjoy the rest of your honeymoon and let me know if you have any advice questions that I can answer! And DON'T forget to buy the book!

PRINCE ALBERT AND CHARLENE WITSTOCK'S WEDDING: BORED!!

It sure seems like it's been a busy summer!

So many parties and events - I'm going to be as big as a barn before you know it. I don't look forward to all the time I'm going to have to spend at the colonic spa. Yuck!

But yes. This weekend was the wedding of Prince Albert to the model.

I've been deluged by emails asking me for details of the wedding. So let me tell you!

We were disappointed. Nothing really went wrong and Princess Charlene (does that even sound right?) played it safe with her fashion choices. Yawn! I did love the cake, however!

There was an eerie atmosphere as well. Perhaps as many as half of the guests (male and female) were once lovers of Prince Albert, so that may have been part of it. Most people pretty much knew, exactly to whom Prince Albert had done it and they all kept giving each other looks, like - "Can you believe we're here?" To which, I would interject - yes! You're here! I guess they just thought that they had to see it for themselves.

Princess Maxima and I sat our table and pointed out each lover as they went by - and tried to put them in order. That's how bored we were! We argued quite a bit about it! She knew names that I didn't and I knew a lot more that she didn't. It was quite fun actually. When we finally got our fill of our little game, we went around and showed our friends the list to see if we were correct. And wouldn't you know it? We were pretty much spot on. A lot of people were shocked at the list we came up with and requested copies. We were about to ask one of the waiters to make copies, but then we thought we should wait until the wedding was over. We didn't want it to get to the bride. Regardless of her motivations, it IS her special day.

(I said we would send copies in the mail or post it online.)

But at the end of the day, it was just another wedding. Just another one of our friends marrying a commoner.

What is WITH that? We were talking, and I think that it's going to have to stop soon. It's just something that the public doesn't want to see. I said that the people don't think it's a "real" royal wedding if both the bride and groom aren't noblesse. It's just not as "special" for the public. Don't you agree?

And P.S. Don't forget to buy the book - "Dear Franz" now available on Amazon. It's for your little Kindles, or iPad or whatever. You can even download Kindle for PC or Kindle for Mac! Don't forget!!