Little People

Dear Franz,

I'm a 35 year old woman, and I've been asked repeatedly, the same vulgar question: "When are you going to have a baby?" ... I don't know how to answer that. I've worked hard on my body and have no desire to have it deformed by a pregnancy. Can I say that? It seems gauche, but that's really how I feel. And I know Sarah Jessica Parker just had twins grown for her, but I have no interest in that either. So just how do I stop the nagging?

Dear Lady,

I have to say that you are one smart woman. It is rather gauche explaining all the reasons not to bear children: There are already too many, they don't know to feed themselves, they relieve themselves in "diapers", and honestly, in this economy, affording full time help can be expensive. Not to say that you can't afford it. But that could be one way to put people in their place: Pretend that you can't afford full time help, and they may be very very embarrased they asked. (Blame it on Bernie Madoff) We all reluctantly admit that children are necessary for the continuation of the planet, but still. I have heard real horror stories from people who have had them. Applause to every wet nurse and nanny out there: what would people do without you!?

I was in Ireland recently (yes I know, don't judge!) and I saw that the people there are continuing to have them - much less than they used to but, still very.. actively. Yet, the Magdalene Laundries have been shut down since 1996 (fact)! I seriously hope that protestants there will step up and open more orphanages of their own.

(As a side note, my friend Elfriede and I just happened to be in Dublin on "Bloomsday" this past June. It was just absolutely hilarious. All of these people celebrating the fact they read or started to read Ulysses. It was almost endearing - I kept applauding and shouting out "Good for you! Good for you!". And Elfriede was hiding behind my back trying to catch her breath from laughter... People can be cute.)

However, back to your problem. And I'll make it brief. If you don't want to do the Bernie Madoff story, that's fine. I assume you won't want to claim that you're barren, so just do what I do when I'm faced with a question I don't want to answer. After a brief pause...answer back with a very, very icy glare. Stare them down until they change the subject, and I promise you that they'll never ask the question again. It works every time.

Personal Update.. From me, Franz

Dear Readers,

I feel absolutely horrible for abandoning my advice giving computer page blog thing. It's just that I was on this trip (and believe me, it was a trip) with ... so many people. Mainly I'd have to say Athina Onassis.. It was her boat. And let me tell you that it was just so nice being a guest on someone else's yacht for a change! I've heard so much nice feedback from friends reminding me that I really needed a break from hosting on my boat. Le Sardine. (I bought it from a frenchman in Sardinia, I thought that was clever!)...

Anyhow. For those of you who don't know, I started this page on the advice of my friend Donatella (a very famous fashion designer with a very successful business!). I give such good advice at parties I guess, I don't know - and I was really at a loss of what to do after my two Cavalier King Charles Spaniels died - (I have not ruled out murder, Nigella). I was just bored without them. And this seemed to help. But when I took up with Athena on this trip, which started in Malta, I became preoccupied. But I tried to buckle down, I really did. I told Madonna, "I think this is my new career!".. I love her to death, but she did not take me seriously. I was working up on deck one night, with my laptop and iPhone and trying to be good, when she, yes Madonna and of all people Chelsea Clinton (I have no idea when she got onboard) rushed up to me, and threw my equipment over... right out into the sea.

"You're supposed to be on vacation!!" Madonna said. At first I was upset. But, you know what? She was right. People cannot work months on end without taking a break. That's white slavery.

So people, I have piles and piles of emailed questions from you - printed out for me by new assistant Tee Ton (I think that's how you'd spell it - I found him in Bora Bora. I assume he'll correct me after he reads this). And in between I'll try to regale you with some of my stories from the trip. You could practically write a book about what happened to me. Watch out Athina!