Don't Blow it Up!

Dear Franz,

When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one’s “business?”

Wait to flush until the call finishes or flush and have her caller know where she is receiving the call? It’s a dilemma.

No, no it's not. In fact, that's one of the stupidest questions I've yet received. Yet, I'll answer it. In the first place, I'd like to make it known that I don't use public restrooms. But I would imagine that the general rule is "See no evil, hear no evil". That means every one ignores everything one sees or hears. When Queen Maraguerite emerges from a bathroom with a cloud of cigarette smoke, no one sees it. When three or more people emerge from a bathroom stall, we don't see it. Yes, we know they weren't all relieving themselves together, but it's nothing to concern yourself with. When Princess Letizia is (often) heard upchucking an entire seven course meal, we don't hear it.

I think think that's always been the custom, and that's the way things should stay. So do what you want, make all the noise you want - unless (!) it has to do with your bowels. If you think that you'll have to make a "big business": summon your assistant or whoever to call your driver and get yourself out of there. I hate to be graphic, but I think a lot of people share that concern. How many times have you been squeezed in a bathroom stall with friends, only to have the person next door "blow it up"? It's just rude!

Slumming it Berlin Style!

Dear Readers,

For the past couple of weeks I'd been "slumming it" in Berlin. Which I do every year during the Berlin Film Festival. I love slumming it there! And I so desperately wanted to "blog" and "twitter" about it, but I just didn't feel like it and couldn't bring myself to do it. One has such good intentions, but it really is sleep, party, premiere - sleep, party, premiere. It's much more exhausting than one would think. And we barely saw any movies!

I was with (who else) my best friends, Donatella and Maxima. And what we would usually end up doing was walking down the red carpet, waving, taking our seats in the theater. And as soon as the lights would go down, we'd stand up and get out of there! Why, you might ask? Well, so many of the "films" they had this year were from either the Middle East, Africa or South East Asia! I cannot stand watching those! I understand the point: to make one depressed. But my life is too short and much to busy for such nonsense! When I want to see something sad, I like to go to the opera. It's much more pretty. Seeing sad Asians, Africans and/or Middle East people being mean to each other on camera just makes me want to scream! I know several friends of mine would disagree with me. "Cinema can be a window to the world", said HRH Letizia, as I was complaining to her. I could tell she was looking away and trying to hold a straight face. Because one thing I know is this: People like a song and dance! That's all there is to it. Come to think about it, I haven't seen a good movie since "Dreamgirls" I don't think. I'll have to ask my assistant. And THAT movie dealt with many "hot topics", including "black issues"! And in the end, they all sang together.

One more film that I loved, that wasn't in competition was Black Swan. I think a good description for it was "heart warmingly disturbing". I think the combination of ballet and madness is a delicious mix, and I really could watch it over and over.

However - be that as it may, the party is over. We're done slumming it, and are all now starting "extreme" diets. Even Letizia. I'm going to be trying a "DIY Sleep Cure", so I'll let you know how that goes.

Until then - my new assistant who I haven't met yet, is supposedly gathering your questions for me to answer! I can't wait for him or her to read them to me. And let me answer a question in advance - everyone has been asking me anyway:

No. Madonna would not let either me or Donatella see clips of her movie while she was here in Berlin trying to hock it. She said we would make fun of her - which is not true, we just wanted to see. I tried to get Princess Maxima to make a royal decree, forcing her, but she said it wouldn't work because Madonna is not her subject.

Stay "on loan"!

Dear Franz, I own an artwork purchased from a major New York gallery and I wrote twice, to both the former director and present director of a city-owned art museum to which I financially contribute, that my will says that I leave the piece to the museum.

I never received an acknowledgment.

Recently, a literary magazine had a long essay on the artist on the occasion of a show of his art in a major American museum. I sent the essay to my contacts at the museum mentioning that I had never received an acknowledgment.

At a museum event the other day, the museum director told me he recalled my letter but did not think it warranted a reply! Should I change my will?

Hello. For most of us, it's hard to keep track of our art. We've loaned this painting to this museum, and this sculpture to that museum. How many times have we been to a reception at a museum and we've noticed our own name underneath a painting? "That's mine?! I forgot about that one!" we exclaim. Let's have a virtual show of hands if that's happened to you more than fifty times. See! But I've never requested a thank you from a museum after telling them I was gifting something. Know why? I don't donate art. I know a friend who donated something Damian Hirst because he didn't care for it. Turns out, the museum then sold it for over a million euros or something. We were at Christie's together when we saw it go up. I said, "Isn't that the gutted cow sculpture that you gave to the Tate last year?" And you know what? It was. He wouldn't have only given a fraction of that profit as a financial contribution.

See?

That's really the meaning of art I think. Trends. Selling. I think so.