The Von Merzenburg Fund for New Initiatives

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Our Tax Dollars at Work

Dear Franz,

Recently, while waiting in line at the supermarket, I overheard someone make a mean spirited comment about the contents of my cart. I thought it was rude, and so I said "f*** you" (to no one in particular, just in hopes that whoever said that would hear it). What should I have done to respond to such rudeness?

Dear Shopper,

How else will you learn that everyone is judging you by the contents of your shopping cart? I hate "going to the grocery" more than anyone - (could it be more embarrassing?) - and one reason is because seeing the food combinations in the shopping carts! I imagine that cashiers really have to try not to gag sometimes. Once I even asked one, "How did you not gag just then when you had to scan that combination of.... food? All that Wonder Bread!". The woman just shrugged. I felt so sorry for her. 

Since then (I have had to "go to the grocery" several times over the last year), I've realized that people with the most disgusting carts (Coke, boxes of frozen macaroni and cheese, and Funyuns) - almost always paying with cards that have no credit card logos. And reader, "THESE ARE MODERN DAY FOOD STAMPS!"  Yes. Food stamps are no longer in stamp form. At first I would always assume these people would be the ones to (still) whip out their check books, but no..... They all use the same red, white and blue cards - that are actually food stamps. And because it is legal to buy Coke and Funyuns with food stamps (It is NOT punishable by law), I urge everyone everywhere (especially the cashiers out there), to please make eye contact and glare at these people. Glare as you've never glared before! Until buying junk food is punishable by law, or tar and feathering, all we can do is glare (and mutter, "would you look at that...." under your breath.)

So to answer your question. There is nothing you can do. Buy better food. Learn to shop the periphery of the supermarket. And if you are shopping for a party (still), or some other justifiable reason, and there's a lot of junk in your cart, by all means - explain that to the person behind you in line. It's called open dialogue - it's what the world needs more of!

 

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

What Kind of Whore am I?

Dear Franz,

Someone who I thought was a "friend", I've heard,  has been calling me a whore behind my back. I can't believe it! I'm merely a very open minded, independent, woman - who happens to have a sex-positive attitude. How can I confront her?

Gentle Whore,

I do hope you know (everyone else does) that "sex-positive" just really means: "slutty." Come now.
But that doesn't mean that you can't live the way you want to (no matter how...... salacious) . It's just like everything else. You are perceived by what people know about you. Which just means, you can do anything in the world as long as nobody knows. Contracting a social disease or becoming impregnated are the worst cases of letting people know what you've been up to. Otherwise - no worries. So do whatever you want - just remember: Shhhhhhh.........

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Wachet Auf!

Dear Franz,

Why are people so rude on the road? How do I deal with the Road Rage of others? I almost hate to get into my car?

Dear Reader (who almost surely cannot drive),

I have to admit, sometime people do call it "Road Rage", but there are those days when you sometimes have to use your horn on an entire car trip. (Wouldn't it be lovely if some nice scientist would invent a device that would allow car horns to sound continuously, no tiresome, endless horn pressing?)

Just today, I could not stop honking, people were so slow and just so stupid. It's really unbelievable sometime, isn't it? Oftentimes, I sense people are eerily hypnotized upon entering their vehicles... This requires sensible drivers (like yours truly), to honk their horns, sometimes incessantly, to awaken them.

So to answer your question, learn to drive and sensible drivers will no longer bother you.



Some cars are created more equally than others.

Dear Franz,

I have a rich friend (Her aunt lives in Beverly Hills!). She told me, as I was driving that one should always yield to cars that are more expensive than their own. As a Carolla owner, I was outraged! Where did she hear this? It can't be true.

Dear Toyota owner,

Your friend was only partially correct. One should always yield to European luxury cars. You never have to worry about asian ones, that's for sure. And if you ever come into the situation - as I many times do - where, two Mercedes approach a stop - Model may play as a factor. For example, E class yields to C, etc. etc. And if, by chance the cars are exactly the same - exactly - then cleanliness should be the tie breaker.

All of this simply comes down to old fashioned advice: Know your place.



Now how about those Holiday pounds?

Dear Franz,

I've gained a little weight this Holiday Season, any advice on how to get back in shape?

My dear, weak and fat reader,

Shame on you!  Just do what I do at parties.. Stand back, relax and just glare at people like you, and there's just no way you'll let that happen again! Think of Our Stars, and what they go through in the constant scrutiny of the camera - in other words, always think of yourself being filmed or photographed, and you'll have a much harder time shoving an entire dip filled cracker in your pie hole, and much harder time finishing that glass of wine in two gulps. You know that's what you did and you know that's exactly how you "gained a little weight this holiday season".  

But allow me to answer your question. Follow my advice and you'll be back to seeing that hip bone in no time! 
1. No carbs
2. Never eat while no one's watching (never eat in private), and then
3. Never eat more than 6 oz...

And don't forget those 8 -10 glasses of water a day!