Little People

Dear Franz,

I'm a 35 year old woman, and I've been asked repeatedly, the same vulgar question: "When are you going to have a baby?" ... I don't know how to answer that. I've worked hard on my body and have no desire to have it deformed by a pregnancy. Can I say that? It seems gauche, but that's really how I feel. And I know Sarah Jessica Parker just had twins grown for her, but I have no interest in that either. So just how do I stop the nagging?

Dear Lady,

I have to say that you are one smart woman. It is rather gauche explaining all the reasons not to bear children: There are already too many, they don't know to feed themselves, they relieve themselves in "diapers", and honestly, in this economy, affording full time help can be expensive. Not to say that you can't afford it. But that could be one way to put people in their place: Pretend that you can't afford full time help, and they may be very very embarrased they asked. (Blame it on Bernie Madoff) We all reluctantly admit that children are necessary for the continuation of the planet, but still. I have heard real horror stories from people who have had them. Applause to every wet nurse and nanny out there: what would people do without you!?

I was in Ireland recently (yes I know, don't judge!) and I saw that the people there are continuing to have them - much less than they used to but, still very.. actively. Yet, the Magdalene Laundries have been shut down since 1996 (fact)! I seriously hope that protestants there will step up and open more orphanages of their own.

(As a side note, my friend Elfriede and I just happened to be in Dublin on "Bloomsday" this past June. It was just absolutely hilarious. All of these people celebrating the fact they read or started to read Ulysses. It was almost endearing - I kept applauding and shouting out "Good for you! Good for you!". And Elfriede was hiding behind my back trying to catch her breath from laughter... People can be cute.)

However, back to your problem. And I'll make it brief. If you don't want to do the Bernie Madoff story, that's fine. I assume you won't want to claim that you're barren, so just do what I do when I'm faced with a question I don't want to answer. After a brief pause...answer back with a very, very icy glare. Stare them down until they change the subject, and I promise you that they'll never ask the question again. It works every time.