THIS WIDOW IS JUST FINE

Dear Franz,

My husband died almost two years ago. As many widowed people have learned, friends and acquaintances mean well but often say inappropriate things to those who are grieving, likely because they don't know a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is all we usually need to hear. Now some of those well-meaning people have decided it is time I start dating.

How do I politely tell them that it is none of their business? When I explain I have no interest in dating, they typically tell me I'm "too young" not to date and presumably find love again. Some of these people get very passionate about my need to date, to the point where sometimes I end up feeling defensive or privately ending up in tears.

I wear my wedding rings, both because they are beautiful pieces of jewelry with a lot of personal meaning to me, and also as a symbol that I am most definitely not in the dating market. Some have even had the nerve to tell me I shouldn't wear my rings now, which is surely no one's business but mine as well. Should I ever decide to date in the future, it will be my decision and no one else's. How do I get folks to understand that until (or if) that should occur?


I wouldn't get too upset about that. It's just small talk.

People don't just say things like that out of the blue, I don't think. Because most people probably don't care what you do. I have to assume that you're divulging some type of information that lets on that you're feeling a little blue.

Are you constantly talking about being a widow?
Are you constantly talking about being in mourning?
Are you constantly talking about being bored? Lonely? Nowhere to go?

That kind of stuff?

That's kind of what I'm hearing.

In this case - people are just trying to think of what to say.

If you're really getting this advice unsolicited - and you have no need for it - Just do what you would do for any type of unsolicited advice:

Stare at the person without blinking for 5 to 10 seconds, depending on how offended you are. Then simply turn the other way and go on about your day.

That's pretty easy, isn't it? And that way you haven't said anything that you'd later regret.


P.S. Don't forget the wealth of dating and relationship advice found in the eBook, now on Amazon!

ENGAGED AGAIN?

Dear Franz,

What is the appropriate waiting period after a contentious divorce to announce engagement to another?


Never.

That means, nobody wants to hear about an engagement of someone who just went through a contentious divorce. Why would anybody want to know about that? All you would be doing is letting people know that they're just a couple years away from hearing about yet another one of your "contentious divorces." Big fun!

Just announce the wedding. That way - nobody can say anything about it because it's already said and done.

For example......here are the different responses you would receive:

On your engagement: "Oh my Lord...."

On your marriage: "Oh my!"

If you're ever in the situation to announce something, and you think there's the chance that someone will try to talk you out of it - just make the announcement at the last minute.

Want to buy a car and think someone will talk you out of it? Buy it - then announce it.

Pregnant and think someone will talk you out of it? Wait until fetal viability - then announce it.

And so on and so forth!


And don't forget all the marriage and divorce ideas from my eBook, now available at Amazon.com!

Can a Sexless Marriage Be Worth It?

Dear Franz,

How important do you think sexual attraction is in a marriage? A friend is considering getting engaged to a man she thinks is perfect except that she is not very physically attracted to him. She is in her 30s and feels like he is the best man she has ever met, but she is worried she’ll end up with a sexless marriage.

I believe she feels that if she doesn’t marry him, she won’t meet anyone as good as he is in time to have children. I don’t really know what to say.

Dear Reader,

I love it how you are acting like you are asking a question for a friend.

But sexual attraction is not important in a marriage. My mother was married several times and I believe, never attracted to her husbands. I am told by my father that she used "Pepe" a lounge singer from Portugal for what she called "bedroom purposes". Though she was never attracted to many of her husbands, each marriage was very financially successful and she always benefited immensely. And although she was a horrible, horrible, horrible person, she was a smart woman and always made good business decisions.

You or "Your friend" doesn't have to worry about a "sexless marriage". She needs to remember that she can do whatever she'd likes for "bedroom purposes". There was a little thing in the 1960s called Women's Lib, and maybe's heard about it? And I've written before about how to manage an affair, perhaps your friend should read it. (main point: don't get knocked up, social diseases are grounds for divorce...)

But I don't know about the potential spouse's financial situation so I can't officially say: go for it. Only you know. If you're not all that attracted to him and his financial holdings don't compensate, don't feel bad: just say NEXT!

And as a last bit of encouragement, let me tell you a story. I know a woman who married a man over fifty years older than she was. Everybody thought, "Ewww". One thinks, one should only go so far. Well, let me tell you: Her husband was in his eighties and he died less than one year into the marriage. He had billions, and as you can imagine there were hundreds of girls kicking themselves for not submitting to his elderly advances when they had the chance.

So make an informed decision: weigh the benefits. And please, hold the line: Don't forget the Pre-nup!

DISGRACED WOMAN MUST BEG FOR FORGIVENESS

Dear Franz,

My friend, "Katherine," had been unhappily married for several years, met a man in a bar and began having a casual affair with him. She was not very discreet about it - carrying condoms in her purse and leaving her BlackBerry out with e-mails from the man on it. Her husband found out and left her.

They are now going through a difficult divorce. Her ex does not want to help her out financially - he has a high-paying job and she makes very little - they have a young son who is having a terrible time dealing with it, and she is literally falling apart. She has always been overly thin, suggesting an eating disorder, and now she is much more so. She is also taking a ton of anti-anxiety medication.

She is heavily leaning on me for help, and I (a) don't know how to help her and (b) have some anger toward her for putting herself in this situation. I told her the affair was a really bad idea and that she could not financially or emotionally afford divorce.

Dear Reader,

If she didn't have a child, she could probably find another man, possibly with an even larger income. But coupled with the fact that she met the man in a bar, it really makes her even more unmarketable. Be that as it may, I have some advice:

1. Beg him to take her back. Even if she doesn't mean it and it's humiliating for her - it's the only thing she can do to save herself financially.
2. Go to spa for a couple of months. That should relieve some of the stress and give the impression that she is trying to get her act together.
3. WHEN they are back together, she needs to better utilise his salary and make sure she makes some investments of her own. (Perhaps she suffers from nymphomania and will start screwing around again - one never knows - cover all bases!)

I think the most important lesson here is the importance of a pre-nuptial agreement. If she would've invested in a good lawyer before the wedding, none of this would be a problem.

But the one silver lining is your friend's dramatic weight loss. Many people gain enormous amounts of weight during times of stress so she should really consider herself lucky. A temporary "pick up" for your friend would be a new wardrobe for her stunningly slim new figure. Assuming they are still married, her husband is still responsible for any debt that accrues, so tell her to spend what she wants - to do something good for herself.

Well.... I consider that another marriage saved. It really is a wonderful feeling to help!