What Not to Wear

Dear Franz,

Recently I was at a party and was humiliated to find out that someone else was wearing the same dress as I. They'd even bought it at the same store. I was devastated. Actually I've been in bed for weeks now. I know ready-to-wear can be "risky", but sometimes it's not avoidable. I'd like to know if you have any advice from buying clothing in "shops" and "department stores".

Dear Reader,

Yes, ready-to-wear is always risky business: You are always taking the chance of wearing the same thing as someone else. Recently in London, an old friend asked me if we were wearing the same suit! (People have nerves). He didn't believe me until I opened my jacket and showed him that the custom lining was the same material as my custom tie! Try buying THAT on Bond Street, asshole!

But I guess not everybody can really afford to have everything made for them. That's why "stores" for "shopping" is quite a huge industry.

There are many things that one can buy manufactured and feel good about:

1. Shoes. I personally don't buy shoes already made, but many people do. Many people like particular "brands" of shoes, and they can be had for as little as 500 USD, I think.
2. Socks. I personally find that there isn't really much of a difference between custom made and ready-to-wear socks.

I guess that's about it though. Anything else is a risk. Hard, honest advice: but the truth.

I know how you feel. Let me tell you a story about that. I don't know if it will help.

At the Met Gala on Monday, there was a Hollywood personality there. In my opinion you cannot call her a star. She is, however in movies. And as it seems, anybody can get into anywhere nowadays! LOL... Anyway, I was talking with Anna Wintour and I noticed she seemed to be gagging behind her handkerchief (orange Hermes- schön). I asked her what was wrong and she said that what this girl was wearing a dress that has been in stores since last year! At the Met Gala! Anna was visibly shaken. Like I said, I really don't know what the Met Gala is or why I was there, but apparently it's an important fashion event.

Does that help?

And there's a last bit of advice I'd like to give before the letters arrive. I can just hear them being read to me now: "But I can't afford that.." Well. To all you housewives out there who are about to write to me, let me give you a little tip. Save your allowances. Make sure to siphon what you can into your own personal and private accounts away from your husband. O! And make sure your lawyer negotiates the best allowance from your husband or father!

Now, get out of bed and get over it, please!

Ok, the wedding...

I'm writing this to you before getting ready to go to the Met Gala in New York. I think I hate New York and I never know what this party is even for! I think it has something to do with the paintings I have on loan - WHICH be off to Vienna and Berlin soon!

Anyway, according to my assistant, my email box has been exploding from the millions of you wanting to know about my experience to the royal wedding on Friday. I had to think twice about it because Kate Middleton came up to me and said, "You're going to be nice, aren't you?"

When am I ever not nice?

Anyhow, I can never say anything cruel about someone who looked so fantastic. Shout out to the Duchess of Cambridge - I hope you are enjoying your honeymoon in Australia! (Am I not supposed to say where?)

It was a wonderful occasion. Everyone saw the royal mass or whatever the protestants call it. But here are some of the behind-the-scene antics!

1. Maxima was very good and did NOT pass out as was reported by The Mirror. However, yes - there was a little too much Kir Royale to go around! And Maxima was not invited to the reception at Buckingham Palace anyway, so I don't think that that is such a great accomplishment Max! LOL

2. Letizia did not induce vomiting the entire day!

3. Queen Marguerite is still always bumming cigarettes from anyone she sees smoking. Knowing this, Maxima and I set up a bit of fun! We both pretended to smoke (though we don't in England normally)... This is at Buckingham before being "bussed" (that was so embarrassing!) to the protestant church. We purposely had a "funny" cigarette in there, just "in case". And wouldn't you know it - Marge took the bait! It was sooooo funny! She was singing so loud at the ceremony that it was just a riot. I tried to get the attention of one of the TV people's microphone. I thought, "Someone HAS to record this! O, Christ!"...
I feel bad, because perhaps the pot was a little strong. She kept staring at Princess Beatrice's hat, asking how it was "suspending in mid-air".

4. Speaking of Beatrice, I spent a lot of time with her and her sister Eugenie (that name sounds better pronounced in German), because 1. Maxima was not invited and 2. Their mother was not invited and I was dying to know what she was doing that day and it took me hours to find out. Turns out she was in California. Who cares right? So I was quoted in some publication saying that she was at a pub in East London crying - I was just kidding and did NOT expect to be quoted. I don't think that's fair. Sarah is a fun person who can lose weight fast, when she wants.
Anyhow, it was fun to know that those two gals can really party like "mummy". That made me happy.

5. The last thing I remember was, as we were leaving, I was with Twiggy and we were trying to pay the band to come with us to have a private party at the hotel where many of us were staying. They seemed scared and refused.


In other words, a good time was had by all. I'm looking forward what Prince Albert will do in Monaco this summer. His fiance kept saying "Just you WAIT" anytime someone would say anything nice about William and Kate's wedding....so it should be very interesting - I'll be waiting "Princess Charlene"! LOL...

Well, on to the stupid Met! Bye Bye!