"Polyamorous" or Just Plain Skanky?

Dear Franz,

I have several friends who are in open or polyamorous relationships. Because I’m happy for their happiness together, I would like to make sure that I’m not excluding or slighting any of the partners.

If I am sending them an invitation to a gathering, how on earth do I address it? “Mr. and Mrs. Jane Doe and Ms. Lily Smith”? “The Doe and Smith Family”? “John and Jane Doe and Lily Smith”? I have asked friends in the poly community how they handle this, and they say, “Just call them up and invite them!” which is not, perhaps, the most helpful of answers, though it is well-meaning.

Also, how do I introduce a poly-amorous group socially? Do legally married partners have status over second partners, meriting first introduction, or do I simply say, “Ms. Jones, these are my friends, the Does” and leave Ms. Jones to establish how they interrelate? I don’t want to draw overmuch attention to the fact that one couple is legally married and the other is “just” secondary. (This is insulting in polyamorous circles.)


Dear Reader,

I love how you act like that this is a normal etiquette question. You honestly need to know that no one is concerned with insulting "polyamorous circles." That's really, really funny!

The world has gotten out of hand. Did you know that "polyamorous", like the word "bisexual", just means "slut"? Well, in fact, it does! I don't know anyone in the "poly community", but I know plenty of partnered couples having sordid affairs and the primary partner knows full well about it. However, that doesn't mean that they all want to be addressed on the same envelope. Try not to embarrass people in this way. That is, if you like them. If you don't like them, it would be a fantastic way to publicly put them in their place.

Throughout history, this sort of thing was handled by buying the mistress or secondary partner (face it that's what they are) a residence somewhere else. Have you ever been to Chenonceau? The one time residence of Diane de Poitiers? I was just there again for a reception: it's beautiful. I guess that would be one way of solving your problem of how to address envelopes.

But here's where the importance lies: Do whatever you want, with whomever you want, but in most cases we don't care to keep track of overcomplicated affaires. We do, but to legitimize this would take every single little bit of fun out of talking about it at parties, or even on the telephone. If the subject of your complicated household ever comes up, you must convey icy cold ignorance; everyone will respect you for it.

And about your use of the word "poly". Did you know that trying to come up with a fancy word for "slut" or "concubine" does not fool anyone? In fact, you are insulting everyone by trying to fool them. Did you know that deliberately trying to fool someone is rude? Do you know that rudeness is a sin? In fact, it is. Hold the line!

And finally I thank you for introducing me to the term, "how someone inter-relates" in place of coition. This is English I didn't know! I will absolutely use it at the next opportunity. In fact, I think I heard that Isabelle Huppert has interrelated with her personal trainer last week. Did you know that?