DON'T TELL OTHERS ABOUT LONELINESS

Dear Franz,

I joined an online dating site on a lark to get over a really sad breakup. Eventually I met “Mark,” who truly seems great, and we have been e-mailing back and forth . . . for a little over a month. I’ve thrown him every possible hint that he should go ahead and ASK ME OUT ALREADY, but he’s not pulling the trigger.

The reason I’m not doing it for him is twofold: First, I like for the guy to take charge, and second, Mark’s profile specifically says he’s into chivalry and loves to surprise women with thoughtful plans. What should I say to move things along that doesn’t sound confrontational?


Dear Reader,

Oh my God. First of all, I can't ever in a million years imagine joining an online dating site! Do you ever try going to parties or to balls or to openings? Do your alive-friends know anyone that they could set you up with? I'm just asking - because that way you wouldn't have to advertise yourself on an internet website. You poor thing. And then to think you've been waiting for a month for someone online (who could be a serial killer) to ask you out? Good Lord.

Your letter moved me when it was read to me this morning while I was getting the most wonderful hot stone message. It was for this reason I asked my assistant to do some research on loneliness and online dating websites. Did you know that it is a multi billion euro industry? I didn't know this! And it made me so sad to hear: that's why I'm dictating this answer.

And the answer is this, dear Reader: please forget about this mystery man. Like I said, he could be a serial killer, or worse, have a venereal disease. It happens. Go to a party. Or better yet throw a party or a ball yourself. Get the word out to friends that you are single. And not lonely! Don't even tell your friends (if you have them), because they could tell other people about your loneliness and that could be a deterrent.

And make sure to get your name off that website. I am told that several of these dating websites are for sex only. If people find out you're on a dating website, they make think of that as a euphemism for offering up 'freebies'. (Or whatever the kids call it nowadays)

And finally Reader, keep me posted if you're ever asked on a date, I would love to know about it. I could give you some advice on how to keep him interested!