"Behind the Scenes" on my forthcoming anthology!

Putting this new book together is exhausting. I don't have a ghost writer either. I imagine that most people in my position would. But not me. Not Franz!

Let me give you a little 'behind the scenes' on how it works here. I never was really sure either, so I thought you, the Reader, would also like to know.

For all my previous entries, I've almost always used my good old hand held voice recorder. Sometimes I dictate in English, other times in German. One time in Japanese to play a prank of my assistant! At this point I give the recorder to my assistant who then transcribes everything. He or she may also have to translate into English. And then voila! You get to read everything on DearFranz.com.... Sometimes I give my assistant an idea for a picture to include, sometimes I say 'do it yourself.' I think including a picture gives the whole thing a little 'razzle dazzle' and it makes it a little more fun. Today's picture is a picture of the editing team for my upcoming anthology. It was taken with the security camera.

Now there's a team of editors working on the anthology. I imagine they're putting everything into categories, and that's it. But the constant phone calls and questions are getting on my nerves, almost as if they're harassing me. I guess they're just trying to do their jobs, but I imagine that it's a good way of having the opportunity to speak with me. I guess they like that. So in the meantime, before this hits the bestseller lists, I'll just have to oblige the team. The only other thing I have left to do is have my photo taken for the cover. For this, Cindy Sherman has offered to do the job. I'm willing to let her since she just sold one of her 1981 photos for 3.89 million US dollars. Isn't that just wild! Why so much for one old picture? I don't know, but I should be taking more pictures myself if photographers are making that much nowadays. Maybe that'll be my next project.

In the meantime, my phone is ringing again, so I better "get back to work." And this better be quick since because I really, really want to get in the bathtub.

A very important message......

My dear sweet Readers,

I have some exciting news for you...

First off, I know you're dying to know where I am, what I'm doing etc. And I'll tell you. After Cannes, I cannot tell you how I need a break. It's such a wonderful time of year, and perhaps the high point of humanity, but again, one just needs a break. So I am on board the Beatrix III right now, and we're just taking a simple cruise along the Sicilian Islands. One must collect one's thought after so much action 10 days in a row!

I have made up with Isabelle Huppert and she decided to come on board with me. Right now she's signaling for me to tell you that she says hello.

Anyhow... I MAY not write to you from this point for a while because I'm working on a project... You guessed it! It's a book. And more excitingly, it won't be printed on old fashioned "paper", but will be available electronically! I'm very enthused. Usually after Cannes I need a couple of months of "R & R", but right now, I'm very motivated to dictate.

Any questions you may have, may make it into this book. So feel free to open up to me, and ask me any questions, as embarrassing or intimate as any of them may be. Remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people!

So, bis bald! We'll talk to each other soon.

Cannes! (The Rapture will not happen before the presentation of the Palme d'Or)

Yes, right now I speaking to you from the Film Festival at Cannes. I truly love this time of year, being surrounded by such beautiful people! I think everybody is here right now. Princess Maxima is sitting next to me at the moment and she sends her love. It's really amazing, and unfortunate that most people can't live like we do when we're here. And I think I can say with confidence that these ten days are really one of the highest points for humanity in general. I can't imagine not being a part of it.

A friend of mine in America at the moment has been sending me emails and links regarding the End Times. Or the Rapture. I had to look up what that meant, but it's something that the evangelicals in America are worried about. The world will end and it's supposed to happen this Saturday. God will chose people to come with him and all the other people will be hellbound, remaining behind to suffer on earth until November or something. I really think it's hilarious! I love it!

If the Lord God Almighty were really to call all of us chosen people up to heaven, I seriously do not think that it would be THE DAY before the Palme d'Or is given out this Sunday. Haha! I don't believe in the Rapture, but if were to believe in it, I believe that most of the people at Cannes right now would be taken to immediately to heaven. This means that it will not be on Saturday.

(And Sarah Ferguson has been getting some good press lately, so I'm talking to her again. I really like her and I hate the times I can't permit myself to speak to her. I only mention this is because it's reminding myself that she is the one who has sent me all the End Times information.)

Well, Schöne Grüße from Cannes. I'm having a wonderful time. I'm researching now on how I can get on next year's Jury. I'd really like to be the Jury president if I'm on the jury. (press the thumbs for me!) And so far getting "face time" with the organizers has been difficult as I'm very busy. The only problem that I see is that last years (?) president, Isabelle Huppert sleeps with all the organizers I'm sure, and we all know she has it out for me, I cannot say why. But I'll work on that. I think most people would like to see me as part of the jury, or more specifically the president... So I cannot wait til next year!

Au Revoir!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: AID, Alcohol Ingestive Disorder affects millions

Many of you may not know this, but I do a lot of research in my spare time concerning causes that are interesting to me and my life. For years, many of my friends have been urging me to write on a subject that's been near and dear to our hearts: Namely this is AID: Alcohol Ingestive Disorder.

For centuries now, many people have thought they've been suffering from what is typically and derisively called "A Hangover". Many people have been scrutinized and refused the medical help they've deserved, because they were told that they were "brought it on themselves." "Don't drink so much and you won't get a hangover."

Not true. What we know now, is that many people simply suffer from AID. And do you know what? The scientists tell us that there is no cure for AID. But that's what I'd like to work on. In 2011 it is simply inexcusable that scientists have not come up for a cure for something that effects most of the western world. Does that even make sense? They're busy working on problems in Africa and Eurasia? They need to start looking in their own backyards.

I've been a first hand witness to the devastating effects of AID: I've seen it year after year after year: Someone cancels brunch or doesn't show up to brunch because of AID. It happens every Sunday.

And I've lost some very good friends to AID: They've had to give up drinking all together and subsequently we never see each other again.

Yes there will be cynics who say that such a disease isn't real: it's "pyschosomatic." And sure: many people don't suffer from AID whatsoever, and that's true. My friend Sarah Ferguson can drink all she wants in the evening and start drinking again first thing in the morning, as if she was perfectly fine. Quite often I can do that too. But other times the effects of AID can be debilitating and painful, which is why we need to band together and force our governments and scientists to do something about this! Anything else is unacceptable.

In the coming days, we'll be talking about AID and what we can do about it. Home cures, homeopathic medicine, etc. I'll be rangling up my celebrity friends to help bring awareness to this cause. Together we CAN make a difference!

Divorce can be a good thing, or a humiliating degrading experience....

My assistant recently told me that a reader blamed me for her divorce. I don't believe that for a second. My advice holds marriages together, or at least keeps them from finding out each others infidelities. Which, if that is the case and the reader was found out to be having an affair, then it is her fault.

But I imagine she would like for me to say a few words about divorce. I'll do that:

Divorce can be different for different people. I know, because people have told me.

For some people divorce can be a difficult, humiliating and degrading experience. It can bankrupt you financially as well as emotionally and it can ruin your reputation. It can alienate you from all the friends and family you've come to know. Basically it can ruin you and turn you into a social outcast. It can cast you as someone who has been blatantly rejected. For example, when Brad Pitt divorced Jennifer Anniston, I think the whole world must have thought, "Well, I wonder what she did wrong?" I know I did.

For other people, divorce can be a liberating experience. Especially if you'd planned ahead and invested in a quality lawyer who specializes in prenuptial agreements. When you come out of the marriage ahead, you've won. And believe me, your friends will stick with you more likely than they will with your ex-mate (who lost): everybody loves a winner! I assume the woman who said I wrecked her marriage isn't in this category. Otherwise, she wouldn't complain.

But every case of divorce requires one thing: a time of seclusion. Or at least the appearance of one. That means that you announce you are going into seclusion, but you don't have to. Just go to a different continent for at least one year. You can have all the fun you want in the world. But you'll just have to cut yourself off from your usual social circles and at all costs avoid being photographed if possible. It really is a small price to pay for your place back with the "in crowd". And when you come back, you must assume the air of quiet dignity (that means never show your teeth, even when smiling..) for six months. After six months host a party or a ball, and everything should be back to normal. At least that's how it goes with divorced people with whom I still associate.

Either way, you'll get past it. Perhaps you'll find a new, perhaps better husband. Perhaps you'll finally find one your age, where you won't fear going to bed together every night. Something that few people I know have.

Diet Emergency!

Dear Franz,
I have a dilemma... I have a doctors appointment today to get some diet pills, but my funds are low due to partying and travels. Do you think I should keep the appointment for today or reschedule for next week. I should add I am going to the beach again in a few weeks and I need to slim down quick.. What should I do?

Dear Reader,

It sounds like an emergency to me. Let your doctor know your situation and tell him or her to send you the bill. They'll understand. In the meantime, it sounds like you need some of my quick tips to lose a little weight. Or as we rightfully call it in German, I believe translated it means "to de-bacon".

One of my old favorite tips that I haven't shared in a while is The Almond Plan. I haven't gotten trademarked yet, so whoever is thinking about stealing it, don't. But if anyone has an idea to turn these three simple steps into a bestselling diet book, please write to my assistant. (I can see the cover of the book, and I can see the title on a best seller list, but I don't know what else..)

The Almond Plan is simple:

1. Calculate the number of hours you plan on being awake today. (For example, I plan on being awake nine hours.)
2. Count out one almond for each hour. (9 x 1 = 9) That's nine almonds.
3. Every hour eat the almond. **

This keeps your metabolism going. Remember your body is a furnace and requires fuel to keep it going. One little almond is all you need.

Why not try this along with your medical weight loss routine for your run-up to the beach? If you're not too overweight at this point, it should help you! If you're extremely overweight and require emergency weight-loss surgery, then I imagine you'll have to wait until Autumn time to go to the beach.

I think there are many many people in your situation right now, gearing up for a summer trip. So have a good time, and count out those almonds. See you at the beach!

** If necessary, drink vegetable broth (sparingly) for strength.

Chenonceau

I've already received thousands of emails requesting details about the reception at Chenonceau. Why were you there, etc. and people asking how they can host their own event at this beautiful historic location.

Well, the reception was for Carla Bruni's Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Coocoo. He had just gotten his braces of his teeth the month before and she decided to have a party! We all brought our special canine friends along with us - including me with my own Lulu, a descendent of Queen Margarete's Legendary prize winning poodle, "King of Tangiers". It was really a beautiful day and a good time was had by all!

As far as the leasing of Chenonceau for private events, I'm not an even planner, but I would imagine one needs only contact the appropriate ministry within the French Government. In any case, I highly recommend it. Viel Spaß!

"Polyamorous" or Just Plain Skanky?

Dear Franz,

I have several friends who are in open or polyamorous relationships. Because I’m happy for their happiness together, I would like to make sure that I’m not excluding or slighting any of the partners.

If I am sending them an invitation to a gathering, how on earth do I address it? “Mr. and Mrs. Jane Doe and Ms. Lily Smith”? “The Doe and Smith Family”? “John and Jane Doe and Lily Smith”? I have asked friends in the poly community how they handle this, and they say, “Just call them up and invite them!” which is not, perhaps, the most helpful of answers, though it is well-meaning.

Also, how do I introduce a poly-amorous group socially? Do legally married partners have status over second partners, meriting first introduction, or do I simply say, “Ms. Jones, these are my friends, the Does” and leave Ms. Jones to establish how they interrelate? I don’t want to draw overmuch attention to the fact that one couple is legally married and the other is “just” secondary. (This is insulting in polyamorous circles.)


Dear Reader,

I love how you act like that this is a normal etiquette question. You honestly need to know that no one is concerned with insulting "polyamorous circles." That's really, really funny!

The world has gotten out of hand. Did you know that "polyamorous", like the word "bisexual", just means "slut"? Well, in fact, it does! I don't know anyone in the "poly community", but I know plenty of partnered couples having sordid affairs and the primary partner knows full well about it. However, that doesn't mean that they all want to be addressed on the same envelope. Try not to embarrass people in this way. That is, if you like them. If you don't like them, it would be a fantastic way to publicly put them in their place.

Throughout history, this sort of thing was handled by buying the mistress or secondary partner (face it that's what they are) a residence somewhere else. Have you ever been to Chenonceau? The one time residence of Diane de Poitiers? I was just there again for a reception: it's beautiful. I guess that would be one way of solving your problem of how to address envelopes.

But here's where the importance lies: Do whatever you want, with whomever you want, but in most cases we don't care to keep track of overcomplicated affaires. We do, but to legitimize this would take every single little bit of fun out of talking about it at parties, or even on the telephone. If the subject of your complicated household ever comes up, you must convey icy cold ignorance; everyone will respect you for it.

And about your use of the word "poly". Did you know that trying to come up with a fancy word for "slut" or "concubine" does not fool anyone? In fact, you are insulting everyone by trying to fool them. Did you know that deliberately trying to fool someone is rude? Do you know that rudeness is a sin? In fact, it is. Hold the line!

And finally I thank you for introducing me to the term, "how someone inter-relates" in place of coition. This is English I didn't know! I will absolutely use it at the next opportunity. In fact, I think I heard that Isabelle Huppert has interrelated with her personal trainer last week. Did you know that?

I Hadn't Known it was Mother's Day

The other evening at a dinner (more on Queen Ranier later), the subject turned to Mother's day and what people had done to celebrate "Mother's Day" which supposedly to place last Sunday. Someone had then asked why I hadn't written something about Mother's Day. Someone turned out to be Isabelle Huppert, who is turning out more and more to be my arch-nemesis. She was just trying to provoke me. But it made me think that perhaps millions of people had been waiting for me to write something about Mothers, but I wasn't there for them! My first thought was to blame my assistant, but I immediately remembered I had been snapping at her when she addresses me lately, so perhaps she didn't get around to reminding me.

Well let me tell you a story.

I think the most important thing to remember about mothers is that it's not who they are that makes them special, but it's what they've done for you. I can think of two nice things that my mother has done for me. Unfortunately both scenarios have unhappy endings.

When I was a child, my mother moved to NYC. Apparently I was abducted by her when I was very young, but I didn't know it. My playground at the time was Studio 54; apparently mother took me there often and I remember always being enchanted by the lights and the sequins. The most magical day for me as a child was Bianca Jagger's birthday party. She rode into the club atop a white horse feathered like a majorette in what for me, was at that time, the most spectacular party entrance I'd seen. (I've since seen, and have participated in better.)

My birthday was also coming up and I asked mother if I could have my birthday at Studio 54 and ride in on a white Horse. She said that six years old was too young for something like that. She said that I should wait for my confirmation. I guess it seemed far enough away.

So do I have to tell you that my confirmation day arrived, and there was no white horse? Well, there wasn't. No Studio 54. (I know no one was going there anymore, but I was still a child and didn't know this.) I hadn't been able to get a hold of her for the entire year before my confirmation. My father had to send me and five friends on a Safari to make up for it, even though he had already committed to an entirely different gift that I would not let him get out of giving me. I learned that day you can only rely on yourself.

The other story involving mother also was in New York. She sold my silkscreen portrait Andy Warhol did of me to buy a Bungalow in Bora Bora. Well, when she died I inherited that bungalow in Bora Bora, but I can tell you that my portrait would be worth much much more than that. I tell you!

So I guess the point of my Mother's Day advice is to you is this: For just this one day, forget about the bad things your mother has done to you. Thank her instead. (At least that's what you're supposed to do) Like "Thank you bringing me to Studio 54 as a child. I always had fun." But leave out "But I do not thank you for not giving me the white horse that you promised to me." Something like that.

I hope everybody had a nice day with Mummy!

Leave Child Rearing to Professionals

Dear Franz,

What if two people work great as partners but not as co-parents? My husband and I have a fantastic relationship that goes back 15 years, but we cannot seem to get it together when it comes to parenting our 10-year-old son, “Ethan.” We disagree on everything from where Ethan should go to school, to whether it’s OK to spank Ethan (lightly), to how much fast food Ethan can consume in a month before we’re bad parents. Worse, we feel equally strongly about our opposite viewpoints on just about everything, so nearly once a week we have these knock-down, drag-out fights that lead nowhere, and the choices ultimately fall to Ethan himself. It has been suggested that we take parenting classes, but we’re both positive the classes would just confirm our personal stances. Meanwhile Ethan is stuck in a school that’s no one’s first choice, getting away with things right and left because no one wants to resort to discipline without agreeing on it first.

Wow. It sounds like someone should have been taking her birth control pills, but has forgotten! My Goodness!

Well, first let me answer your questions:

1. Boarding School
2. Why would one not spank a child? I don't understand you.
3. Don't ever eat fast food. Never.

Why are those things hard to agree on? I don't understand. You and your spouse have been having all these problems, and it took me barely two seconds to come up with a solution. I truly believe I would make the best parent. Perhaps I should consider adoption. I guess nowadays Japan is the place to adopt, which is good, because I do think Japanese children are precious. Was Japan even on my last "Top 10 Hot Adoption Spots"? I don't know. (I think I need to update that list!)

But Reader, your first step is Boarding School. I know that many people who've chosen to bring pregnancies to term, nowadays tend to want to "Raise their children at home". When did that become the thing to do? Hold the line! Are people so bored nowadays that they feel they have to watch their own children and put them to bed every single night? Play games together? I have to think that that level of boredom may require some kind of psychological help. But alas, to each his own. Which brings me back to Boarding School. Here most of your problems are solved in one fell swoop, and you and your husband can finally get your lives back; start living again....Won't that be a sigh of relief? I know it will be.

As far as the other times when you must be together as a family. Please don't fret. Agree to let the child do what he or she wants. Know that the discipline and the education belongs to the professionals and the help. I know that's the way I was raised. And even though I wasn't given everything that I wanted as a child, I would say that part of what makes me me! And who am I? Someone that many, many people would like to be. I tell you!

Nobody Likes a Tattletale

Dear Franz,

Recently I was staying at a guest house. During evening cocktails, a guest kicked over a couple very expensive decorations and proceeded to move them behind some gift wrapped packages. The next morning, the host was very disappointed to find the broken items. The person who did the deed did not confess to the damage. Those of us who saw the situation were not sure if we should tell on the other guest or tell that guest to confess to the deed. We did not know that guest. What should we have done?


Well, I guess that would depend on whether or not it was a friend. I think that's just common sense isn't it? If you like your friend, don't tell. If you like the host better than the person who broke the thing, then tell on them. Perhaps you like both equally and you're torn. In that case, I would perhaps take the blame yourself... Just kidding! I would just "accidently" tell on the guest during dinner conversation and pretend all parties were already aware. Offer to pay for the item yourself, even though you have no intention on doing so. You'll score points with both friends, and neither of them will surely ever accept your money. If they do accept your money, than they are not friends. I would imagine that's what insurance is for!

Funny story goes with that. As many parties as I go to, one is bound to break something, or fall on top of something. Yes, it even happens to the crown heads! And I imagine that items broken in my circles far exceed the cost of something broken in yours. But nevertheless, it happens. And one time, I slipped on Donatella's train at a party. I slipped, grabbed hold of the nearest thing to me, which was: one of those silly Marc Quinn "Blood Heads." (A bust of the artist comprised on nine pints of his own frozen blood). Well, it exploded into a million little pieces and those little pieces just seemed to melt faster than you could imagine! Everybody scattered everywhere! It was awful. Donatella tells me, "that's going to cost you a fortune!" I merely laughed and said, "No, bitch. That's going to cost YOU a fortune." I mean, it was her dress! We went on and on back in forth until we were told that it was insured and we need not worry. That was a fiasco and quite a mess, too!

But if I had just knocked the Blood Head down without the help of her dress, I would hope that no one would've told on me. After all, it was insured.

Can a Sexless Marriage Be Worth It?

Dear Franz,

How important do you think sexual attraction is in a marriage? A friend is considering getting engaged to a man she thinks is perfect except that she is not very physically attracted to him. She is in her 30s and feels like he is the best man she has ever met, but she is worried she’ll end up with a sexless marriage.

I believe she feels that if she doesn’t marry him, she won’t meet anyone as good as he is in time to have children. I don’t really know what to say.

Dear Reader,

I love it how you are acting like you are asking a question for a friend.

But sexual attraction is not important in a marriage. My mother was married several times and I believe, never attracted to her husbands. I am told by my father that she used "Pepe" a lounge singer from Portugal for what she called "bedroom purposes". Though she was never attracted to many of her husbands, each marriage was very financially successful and she always benefited immensely. And although she was a horrible, horrible, horrible person, she was a smart woman and always made good business decisions.

You or "Your friend" doesn't have to worry about a "sexless marriage". She needs to remember that she can do whatever she'd likes for "bedroom purposes". There was a little thing in the 1960s called Women's Lib, and maybe's heard about it? And I've written before about how to manage an affair, perhaps your friend should read it. (main point: don't get knocked up, social diseases are grounds for divorce...)

But I don't know about the potential spouse's financial situation so I can't officially say: go for it. Only you know. If you're not all that attracted to him and his financial holdings don't compensate, don't feel bad: just say NEXT!

And as a last bit of encouragement, let me tell you a story. I know a woman who married a man over fifty years older than she was. Everybody thought, "Ewww". One thinks, one should only go so far. Well, let me tell you: Her husband was in his eighties and he died less than one year into the marriage. He had billions, and as you can imagine there were hundreds of girls kicking themselves for not submitting to his elderly advances when they had the chance.

So make an informed decision: weigh the benefits. And please, hold the line: Don't forget the Pre-nup!

Stop Correcting Me!

Dear Franz,

My girlfriend is always correcting me when we’re out with friends or family. It is EXTREMELY annoying. She corrects my grammar, pronunciation, eating, and even minor facts in stories. I’ve asked her to stop but she says she can’t help herself, it’s just instinct. I told her it can’t be instinct because she only does it to me. She responded that she must correct me because I represent her. Shouldn't she accept me/ let me be myself?

Dear Reader,

No.

Look at it from the other side, please. This is a women who is in a relationship with you despite the fact that you have bad grammar, no manners and can't tell stories right. You should be grateful to her each time a correction is made.

Perhaps she is tired of having to correct you all the time and is considering leaving you for someone educated, well-mannered and who can represent her properly in front of friends and family.

Think of your girlfriend and the sacrifices she is making and make a promise to do something for her! Why don't you hire an etiquette expert for private lessons? Perhaps a child from a family of good standing would like to make some "pocket money" and will be willing to instruct you on basic table manners. As far as your grammar and pronunciation, make sure to hire an elocution instructor.

I assume you must not meet heads of state or crown heads, so keep it simple at first: concentrate on the basics.

Neither your girlfriend or anybody need know about this: in fact, they shouldn't! But after a while, with a little hard work, they'll all see a difference. And after a little while, who knows, maybe there will be wedding bells in the future!

Binge/Look/Feel Great!

"Everything in Moderation"

That's one of the common sense diet and lifestyle advice that I think will fit in well with my diet and lifestyle advice book that millions are dying to get their hands on!

Everything in Moderation: and who says that can't include binging?

I know that, every so often, most of us like to spend days at a time in bed binging on chocolates and egg liqueur. Who says that can't be a part of a healthy lifestyle?? Well, it can be.

Though it must be proceeded by serious fasting and subsequent purging, taking to one's bed for days on end with boxes and boxes of the world's best chocolate is a time honored tradition that, somehow has recently been "poo-poo'ed" by certain people. Why is that? Well, for one, many people don't do it the right way and end up becoming obese or unsightly. And that's not a good thing.

Mark your calendar, or have your maid or assistant do it for you: "I will be in bed from the 27-29th of this month". Then you give yourself time to fast in preparation, and make the necessary arrangements for the "post binge purge" as some experts like to call it.

And yes, I am aware with today's busy lifestyle, not everybody has time to plan for this. Say something bad happens, like a party goes horribly wrong - something not expected. You can still take to your bed with your favorite sweets (mine happen to chocolate cognac balls). It requires just a little more effort from you in the purge stage; just be aware of it! So when it's time to get yourself out of that bed, here are some cleansing tips to get yourself back on track:

1. The Master Cleanse: I really can't do this without heavy medication, but when I do do it, it's successful each and every time! You can do it in your home - no need to travel to a spa!
2. A Colonic Spa: If you're still feeling a little bit lethargic, this is what I recommend. Just lay back and relax and let science cleanse you. You'll leave feeling light as a feather.
3. The Sauerkraut juice and Sauna Diet. This is a light diet that I invented that really packs results. It's simply drinking lots of sauerkraut juice and four hours a day Sauna at twenty minute increments. Also something you can do at home without having to travel to a Spa. In this economy people are looking for ways save their pennies, and this is one of them.

I plan on being in bed much of the beginning of next week, and I look forward all those little choco-cups filled with delicious egg liqueur! By the end of the week I'll have done my cleanse and by next Saturday's party, no one will believe I'd ever even touched so much as a single truffle! Only you and I will know my secret....:)

What Not to Wear

Dear Franz,

Recently I was at a party and was humiliated to find out that someone else was wearing the same dress as I. They'd even bought it at the same store. I was devastated. Actually I've been in bed for weeks now. I know ready-to-wear can be "risky", but sometimes it's not avoidable. I'd like to know if you have any advice from buying clothing in "shops" and "department stores".

Dear Reader,

Yes, ready-to-wear is always risky business: You are always taking the chance of wearing the same thing as someone else. Recently in London, an old friend asked me if we were wearing the same suit! (People have nerves). He didn't believe me until I opened my jacket and showed him that the custom lining was the same material as my custom tie! Try buying THAT on Bond Street, asshole!

But I guess not everybody can really afford to have everything made for them. That's why "stores" for "shopping" is quite a huge industry.

There are many things that one can buy manufactured and feel good about:

1. Shoes. I personally don't buy shoes already made, but many people do. Many people like particular "brands" of shoes, and they can be had for as little as 500 USD, I think.
2. Socks. I personally find that there isn't really much of a difference between custom made and ready-to-wear socks.

I guess that's about it though. Anything else is a risk. Hard, honest advice: but the truth.

I know how you feel. Let me tell you a story about that. I don't know if it will help.

At the Met Gala on Monday, there was a Hollywood personality there. In my opinion you cannot call her a star. She is, however in movies. And as it seems, anybody can get into anywhere nowadays! LOL... Anyway, I was talking with Anna Wintour and I noticed she seemed to be gagging behind her handkerchief (orange Hermes- schön). I asked her what was wrong and she said that what this girl was wearing a dress that has been in stores since last year! At the Met Gala! Anna was visibly shaken. Like I said, I really don't know what the Met Gala is or why I was there, but apparently it's an important fashion event.

Does that help?

And there's a last bit of advice I'd like to give before the letters arrive. I can just hear them being read to me now: "But I can't afford that.." Well. To all you housewives out there who are about to write to me, let me give you a little tip. Save your allowances. Make sure to siphon what you can into your own personal and private accounts away from your husband. O! And make sure your lawyer negotiates the best allowance from your husband or father!

Now, get out of bed and get over it, please!

Ok, the wedding...

I'm writing this to you before getting ready to go to the Met Gala in New York. I think I hate New York and I never know what this party is even for! I think it has something to do with the paintings I have on loan - WHICH be off to Vienna and Berlin soon!

Anyway, according to my assistant, my email box has been exploding from the millions of you wanting to know about my experience to the royal wedding on Friday. I had to think twice about it because Kate Middleton came up to me and said, "You're going to be nice, aren't you?"

When am I ever not nice?

Anyhow, I can never say anything cruel about someone who looked so fantastic. Shout out to the Duchess of Cambridge - I hope you are enjoying your honeymoon in Australia! (Am I not supposed to say where?)

It was a wonderful occasion. Everyone saw the royal mass or whatever the protestants call it. But here are some of the behind-the-scene antics!

1. Maxima was very good and did NOT pass out as was reported by The Mirror. However, yes - there was a little too much Kir Royale to go around! And Maxima was not invited to the reception at Buckingham Palace anyway, so I don't think that that is such a great accomplishment Max! LOL

2. Letizia did not induce vomiting the entire day!

3. Queen Marguerite is still always bumming cigarettes from anyone she sees smoking. Knowing this, Maxima and I set up a bit of fun! We both pretended to smoke (though we don't in England normally)... This is at Buckingham before being "bussed" (that was so embarrassing!) to the protestant church. We purposely had a "funny" cigarette in there, just "in case". And wouldn't you know it - Marge took the bait! It was sooooo funny! She was singing so loud at the ceremony that it was just a riot. I tried to get the attention of one of the TV people's microphone. I thought, "Someone HAS to record this! O, Christ!"...
I feel bad, because perhaps the pot was a little strong. She kept staring at Princess Beatrice's hat, asking how it was "suspending in mid-air".

4. Speaking of Beatrice, I spent a lot of time with her and her sister Eugenie (that name sounds better pronounced in German), because 1. Maxima was not invited and 2. Their mother was not invited and I was dying to know what she was doing that day and it took me hours to find out. Turns out she was in California. Who cares right? So I was quoted in some publication saying that she was at a pub in East London crying - I was just kidding and did NOT expect to be quoted. I don't think that's fair. Sarah is a fun person who can lose weight fast, when she wants.
Anyhow, it was fun to know that those two gals can really party like "mummy". That made me happy.

5. The last thing I remember was, as we were leaving, I was with Twiggy and we were trying to pay the band to come with us to have a private party at the hotel where many of us were staying. They seemed scared and refused.


In other words, a good time was had by all. I'm looking forward what Prince Albert will do in Monaco this summer. His fiance kept saying "Just you WAIT" anytime someone would say anything nice about William and Kate's wedding....so it should be very interesting - I'll be waiting "Princess Charlene"! LOL...

Well, on to the stupid Met! Bye Bye!