The Sleep Cure

Dear Readers,

I can't account for the lost time, I really cannot.

In September - I closed out the summer season in Mallorca with Princess Letitia, and by that time, I'd about had it. It was just one party after an other, and pretty soon I realized that I needed a rest. Here's how I knew:

There was to be a very schilmm party by Donatella. All her parties are, but this was the "Summer Swan". And I love going to them - usually it's no big deal. I usually find an outfit within a few days. But this time - it took me two solid weeks to find what I was going to wear. And I am talking about all day, every day for two weeks. I stood in front of the mirror for hours and hours on end... I had this sudden fear that I had gained weight. My clothes fit the same, but something was wrong. I prayed to God that perhaps I only had body dysmorphia. The summer party season can be rough with food and wine, but still - I take care of myself and never skimp on at least weekly internal baths.

Long story short - it was the day before the party and I still wasn't sure what I was going to wear. Donatella told me that she wasn't going to send me any more clothes, because she was sure there was something that I could wear. I was being "ridiculous". I didn't know what was wrong. But anyhow, an hour before the party, I was dressed. My car was waiting outside for me, and I should have been ready to go. But I wasn't. Again something was wrong. I finally said, "No. I can't." And I didn't. I didn't go. I just took off my clothes and had my new assistant (who left last week) make me a pitcher of Gin Kir. That's just gin and Kir. Love it.

Well when I finally came to, I realized that I had to call D and give my excuses. I was afraid, as she can turn into a dragon. Anyhow, she refused to take my calls. I knew I had messed it up.

And I thought. I just need a REST. I've been partying non-stop since June (I think), and I haven't had a break!

I looked into the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. My face was bloated from the gin and my eyes were red. That and I was due in TWO DAYS to have lunch with Crown Princess Mary. I couldn't possibly be up for lunch in two days, I thought. I needed to go to a spa for a while, to get my health back. But even that didn't seem all that fun. I didn't feel like it. I'd spent at least two months this year already IN SPAS...Boy, was I in a rut! I didn't know how I was going to get out of it either. I thought for hours on end, and then I remembered.

The sleep cure. How come nobody talks about sleep cures anymore? Rest cures, whatever. That drives me crazy! My mother became addicted to them, but other than that - I don't know why they're not all the rage.

Just in case you don't know, reader. A sleep cure is this: You go to a clinic. And they put you out for two weeks. Just sleep! In the meantime - you get all sorts of treatments - facials, whatever you'd like - and you don't have to put up with all the probing and prodding! In two weeks time - one loses a TREMENDOUS amount of weight, and comes out looking fresh as a daisy - younger than springtime! It's too good to be true.

Well. My assistant took FOREVER finding a doctor that would do it for me. I don't get it. Like I said - why has it gone out? People are idiots.

Anyhow - I went to Romania of all places. Never been before - why would I?

P.S. It was just fantastic. I remember waking up a few times, but it was all just a blur. And I when I woke up - My skin looked fantastic - I'd lost some weight and my eyes were crystal clear. I could see why mother was addicted!

But now I'm ready to get back to life. Ready to face the upcoming Holiday season too! I may go back for one more before it starts. The doctor said they could up the caloric intake in my feeding tube so I didn't get to thin (whatever 'too thin' is).. I may take him up on it.

In the meantime - I'm back to answer your questions and to give some good solid lifestyle and living advice. I couldn't feel or look any better than I do right now.. And even though I didn't answer any of your questions today - consider this a piece of advice: Go on a Sleep Cure! You'll thank me for it. Your bathroom scale will thank me for it too!

Travel Tips!

Since I travel so often - I get asked quite frequently: How do you do it? With air travel so apparently uncomfortable these days, isn't it torture?

Well.. As much as I would like to be beamed to Bora Bora, I just can't.. That is why I've collected a list of my top ten travel MUSTS - to help everybody make their time in the sky a little more comfortable.

1. Don't skimp on First Class. Often enough, the difference between First Class and Steerage is only maybe a few thousand dollars. And have you ever taken a look behind the curtain and seen just how cramped together they keep people? All to save just a little bit of money... Is it worth it? To me it's not.

2. Have your luggage sent a head of time to your destination. There's nothing more annoying than having to wait for it.

3. Bring someone with you to deal with the airline people. Making sure they get it right sometimes can be a hassle. Also, your assistant can carry anything you bring or buy.

4. Always have a car waiting for you when you arrive. I've had to wait for a taxi before - standing in a line! Not fun!

5. Use a private jet whenever you can. It's nice to have a bed now and then. Especially on extra long flights. I never fly commercial to the south pacific - just to avoid the taxi plane to my island destination. I've done it - and it's HELL.

6. When flying commercial - have your needs in writing to the airline staff. Flying private, this is a given. But in commercial, you never know when they try to wake you to ask what you want to eat. You may be dieting/fasting and this questioning can easily be avoided.

7. For sleeplessness, I prefer Lunexor. I'm told it's one of the most powerful sleeping tablets on the market.

10. Finally.. Allow at least two weeks on both legs for Jet Lag. Time differences can really put one out of balance - and everyone should take it easy on you for at least two weeks. Be good to yourself!

By popular request, more body maintenance tips, from Me to you...

"Dear Franz,

You seem to live it up quite a bit - but never take on weight. Do you have any secrets?"


Yes. I've already addressed them, if you would read my..historical files, or whatever you want to call them. My old stuff that I've already written.

But yes, there's more...

Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall! There never seems to be a break when it comes to all night parties and seven course dinners. And who wants to say no? I certainly do not. Who wants to say, "I can't eat this because I need to lose weight."? That's just embarrassing.

I can tell you how to do it the natural way - without powerful drugs.

Really, all one has to do is work a little harder. So say you're at a seven course dinner. Followed by drinks til dawn. Let's say you're an average woman of 99 lbs. or 45 kg. You've eaten and drank approximately 4000 calories over a course of an evening. That means just over three hours of running at ten miles/16 km an hour the next day. In the morning. After consuming sauerkraut and its juices throughout the day (raw) - then repeat your running program. Don't feel satisfied? Try the whole routine again the next day. You'll be all ready to go to that next party two days later.

"But Franz - I have parties like that two, three days in a row sometime. What shall I then do?"

That's easy science. For every day of party - follow it by that many days of running and raw sauerkraut (and its juices)...

It's all about "calories in, calories out"...

Don't forget what I said about try not to eat or drink alone. It saves calories. Eat sauerkraut only for strength..

And if the cleansing effects of the sauerkraut and its juices become to powerful - my choice to stop that just happens to be Afri-Cola. But remember - it's also rich in calories, so take it easy please.

Does that help? I hope it does. Constant parties and dinners that last til dawn, they really work against us. But with a little science to back it up - we can keep things looking GREAT..

P.S. Don't forget this every day tip: Tell your help to add lemon juice to everything - it's a diaretic!

New Recipe!

I told you that I would include recipes dear to my heart...Jazz up your tired old baked brie with this easy recipe!

Pastry-Wrapped Baked Brie with Truffled Crabmeat Filling

Recipe courtesy Franz Herzog von und zu Merkenburg, 2010

Prep Time:

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Inactive Prep Time:

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Cook Time:

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Level:

Easy

Serves:

6 to 8 servings

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 tablespoons clarified white truffle butter
• 2 tablespoons minced shallots
• 1/2 teaspoon minced garlic
• 4 ounces wild mushrooms, stems removed, wiped clean and roughly chopped
• 1 cup lump crabmeat (about 1/3 pound), picked over for cartilage and shells
• 1/4 teaspoon fleur-de-sel
• Pinch cayenne
• 2 tablespoons minced green onions
• 1 tablespoon minced parsley
• 1/2 teaspoon good truffle oil
• 2 ounces goat cheese, crumbled
• 2 sheets frozen puff pastry, preferably homemade
• 1 (1-pound) round Brie cheese
• 1 large egg, beaten with 2 teaspoons water for egg wash
• 1 bunch watercress, tough stems removed, rinsed and spun dry
• Toast points, crackers, or croutons, accompaniment (preferably homemade)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

In a skillet, melt the butter over medium-high heat. Add the shallots and garlic and cook, stirring, until soft and fragrant, 1 to 2 minutes. Add the mushrooms and cook until they give off their liquid and start to color, about 4 minutes. Add the crabmeat, Essence, salt, and cayenne and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the green onions and parsley and cook for 1 minute. Remove from the heat and stir in the truffle oil. Let cool and fold in the goat cheese. Adjust the seasoning to taste.

Roll out each sheet of pastry slightly, and cut each piece into a round 1-inch larger than the Brie. Using a paring knife, cut several leaves or other decorative shapes from the pastry scraps. Place 1 piece of pastry on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

Cut the Brie in 1/2 horizontally and lay 1 piece in the center of the pastry sheet, cut side up. Spread the cooled crabmeat mixture over the cut Brie and top with the remaining Brie 1/2, gently pushing the 2 halves together.

Paint the edges of the bottom piece of pastry with the egg wash. Top the cheese with the remaining pastry sheet, pinching the edges together to seal. Paint the top pastry lightly with the egg wash, being careful not to let any drip down the sides. Arrange the decorative leaves on top, and lightly paint with egg wash. Bake until the pastry is puffed and golden brown, about 20 minutes. Remove from the oven.

Line a platter with the watercress and place the baked brie on top. Let sit for 5 minutes. Surround with toast points and serve.

Shopping for Toiletries!!

Dear People,

Berlin.

My first day without help, I found myself in the most humiliating situation imaginable: In the bathroom without toilet paper.

Yes. Now I am divulging my deepest secrets.

I won't go into details, but I found myself without any help. I screamed, and no one was there. I won't go into how I got out of this situation, but I did. So I took stock of what I needed for the bathroom and decided that I needed to go shopping immediately.

In a droggerie I found myself. And with luck I immediately found the toilet paper. I thought - ok. I will just buy that. One thing at a time. And toothpaste. I can manage toothpaste.

So I picked up a giant pack of toilet paper. I didn't know what brand I should purchase. There were many - I was just hoping that it was a quality product. It was covered in plastic wrap, therefore I couldn't feel it.

Anyhow. With my "toilet paper" in hand.... I hate that phrase. Even "bathroom tissue" implies what its use is. But with toilet paper in hand, I walked to the cash register. I started to hyperventilate. For some reason I just thought that everyone was looking at me and what I was about to buy. People buy toilet paper for only one reason - and no one should really be confronted with that reason. "Oh look, what he's about to do!"

I thought to myself: Ok. People buy this everyday, I'm sure. It's a necessity. But come on. I know that if I saw someone walking down the street with a package of toilet paper - I would laugh. I don't need to know that someone is in need of toilet paper.. Ugh.

But just then - I saw another woman walking out of the store with her package of toilet paper. She didn't seem to be embarrassed at all. I guess she does it all the time, I don't know. She looked silly, but hey.

I took a deep breath. Held my head very high, and walked right to the counter. The woman scanned my toilet paper and toothpaste and told me the price. I don't remember how much it was. But I told her to keep the change and I walked briskly out of the store. Outside, I did my best to hide this giant bag and I was fuming. Can they not make the packaging more discreet? Why does it have to be in clear plastic? That's just revolting. Fortunately my car was double parked outside of the door of the establishment and I didn't have to go far.

So that was day one of shopping. I got home and managed to unpack to the toilet paper and toothpaste myself. I put the roll on the toilet paper stand - stood back, and admired what I had done. Bravo. I read one time that - you really appreciate things when you do them yourself. And you know what? I believe it.

I saw many items at this store that I wouldn't want to have to purchase myself. Tampons in particular. Can you imagine? That just says to everyone around you: I am bleeding and need this product to make it stop. Or even mouth wash. I use it - but I've never bought it. I can imagine the cashier woman would think "He must have horrible breath. How embarrassing.".. I don't know.

Yes, you can accuse me of perhaps living in a bubble. But I'm breaking out! Next time I going to bring some friends with me and we can try shopping for these things together! Donatella - you're coming with me!! And let's make it around the 10th of the month!!!! Haha...

Goodbye, Magnolia...

Wow. That was fast.

I had to let Magnolia go. When I first got her, I thought, "Hey. This will be great. She will keep me entertained, bla bla bla... I will have so many amusing and wonderful stories to tell.. bla bla bla..."

But I have to admit, that this woman was just.. well, a bitch.

I understand that I am famous for my "Unglück" with help, but this is just ridiculous.

I remember, as a little boy, reading that one day we will all have robots for servants. I dreamed of the day when my first one would glide through my doors. But what is it now? 2010? If ever I needed a robot, it would be now. I don't understand it: What are all the scientists doing with their time? I believe my taxes pay for them, don't they? Not only that, but in about seven different countries where I am resident!

I cannot be that difficult to get along with. There is just no way.

I have never hit a servant. I've seen Princess Letizia of Spain hit hers several times - yet she says they're like siblings to her...? (Sorry if that's personal Letizia) I want that.

Maybe because I'm not a Princess? I don't know. I cannot help it if the Holy Roman Empire was dissolved. I wasn't there. It was not my doing. I don't have a time machine to go back and change that. (All my money to the scientist who can help me with that one.)

So what happened with Magnolia? She told me that I "have issues." I made a racial comment, which, perhaps I regret (It was supposed to be funny). She threatened to sue me and I went through my same old routine.. I sighed, and then I showed her the confidentiality statement she signed that included a clause where she COULDN'T sue me, and I told her to call my office for a plane ticket home.

AND then I did something I almost rarely do: I got choked up. I almost had a tear in my eye. I could feel it coming and I thought "Come on! Come on!"... (I wanted to experience it).. But it never came. It felt like it almost did, which I thought was an emotional and physiological breakthrough. Afterwards I became angry that I couldn't cry. Perhaps violent. I don't know because I blacked out after throwing something - something Limoges - against my reflection in a mirror. I feel awful about that - As I really adore Limoges.

However. This is what I decided. I will go - for the time being. I don't know what "the time being" is. But I will go WITHOUT help. I am going to do everything! I will shop! I will cook! I will wake myself up! I will do everything. Everything except clean! And I will do it with grace and dignity.

...In the meantime. Stay tuned for more advice, and recipes. I forgot I wanted to include recipes. And keep the questions coming! I had so many good ones printed out - but that was when I had that Japanese boy and he lost just about everything.

She's not my Mammy

Dear Franz,

I heard you have a Mammy. LOL

I know who wrote that and I will not give you the satisfaction of having your name on my column. LOL yourself.

To address this, I have been getting a lot of heat lately about my choice of a maid. And now I must defend myself and say, however cliché it may sound that I am not racist! I have simply followed a childhood dream; something that many people simply never do, and are therefore jealous.

You see, ever since I saw Gone With the Wind as a child, I wanted a house full of black servants. I know that may sound bad, but it's not. I remember my mother saying the same things to me. "Franz - they are slaves. Slavery is revolting."

I know. I'm not stupid. Even as a child I knew that slavery was revolting. I said that. "But I want to pay them! Why can't we get rid of Frau Schumer and Jeeves - and get people like Mammy and Uncle Peter?

Mother just rolled her eyes and took a drink from Jeeves' tray. I didn't know he was standing right next to her.

But I think everyone must think that when they read or see Gone with the Wind. Everyone wants someone like Mammy. Even someone amusing like Prissy (who always is messing something up!), seems like fun to have around.

You see, people like our old Jeeves and Frau Schumer (who's STILL around)... it was always if they were afraid of me. Mammy on the other hand, gives her honest opinion. Wether one likes it or not.

SO one day, I became brave, and at great expense - I hired someone to bring me someone like Mammy back to Vienna. The criteria wee that she must have domestic experience, be very confident, and finally, extremely overweight and black.

(Ok. Now that I'm writing about this, Donatella - I'm beginning to see what you mean. It gets worse LOL)

When she arrived I asked her what her name was and she said "Barb". I paused for a minute and then I asked her if I could call her Magnolia. A name I had given a lot of thought to. It sounds as though it would be from the American South, yet sturdy, and very strong. She looked at me as if I were crazy. I told her that every one here has "nicknames" - which I don't know if it's true or not. Most people in my circles have a "Jeeves", and they can't all be really named that. Who would name their child that?

I don't remember what she answered, but now I call her Magnolia. I hope that's not what has set off her temper, because this woman is MEAN. Be careful what you wish for right? LOL. I wanted someone to take care of me and "tell it like it is".. But I would say her insults are little harsher than I remember in Gone with the Wind. Even dubbed in German, Mammy in Vom Winde Verweht isn't that strong.

I heard her say the other day, "Move yo faggotty ass and get your own damn martini. It's right over there.".. And then something about her being a Christian and alcohol. I was shocked. I have never been talked to that way before. Was this what I wanted? I don't know. I would've called the police on Frau Schumer. Or at least had her punished.

So at this time we're getting acquainted with one another. We'll see how it goes. I paid so much money and everyone is doubting me, I have to see this through!

And no. She does not have a rag on her head. She won't wear it. I told her it was custom made, but she doesn't care. "Isn't it bad enough that you changed my name to Magnolia?".. I don't know why that is such a big deal. Really I don't.

Fergie is OK.

Dear Franz,

Are you friends with Sarah Ferguson? What is up with her? Please give us some "Inside Scoop" on her.

Well let me tell you. You've come to the right person. She's absolutely fine! Yes, she had that horribly embarrassing video where she was in the hotel room trying to sell access to Andrew. Yes. But really - what was wrong with that?

Why should she give away access to her ex husband? That makes no sense to me. If someone wants to give her 500,000 pounds to set up a meeting with her ex - who cares? To me, the desperate ones were the ones willing to pay so much. Don't you agree? The only tragedy was this grainy video. ANYONE looks bad, smoking a cigarette in a hotel room on a grainy video. That's all there is to it. Sitting open legged didn't help matters, and I told her that flat out.

Sarah is a dear friend of mine. She's the one of the only persons I have genuine fun with to "slum it".. That to us is boozing it up at parties in Hollywood and/or New York. I hate to use such a cliché, but you know - "new money". It's always the same! It's true!

Sarah is a good time girl, yes. She panders, sometime, I know. But good for her, I say, because people always take the bait. And she knows what she's doing. I think.

Next month we're going to a party in "East Hampton" together. These people are starved for the likes of her (and yours truly). Some in our circles decry socializing with these people. But I think it's kind. And whilst we may not be King and Queen, you would think that we were - the way we strike awe/fear in these people. We get such a kick out of it - it's quite fun, and perfectly harmless. Every time we're in "The Hamptons" - people there are trying to tell us how old it is, and historic and exclusive. We just nod our heads and try to contain our laughter. We absolutely cannot look at each other.

So Sarah! Bon Courage! Alles wird schön! We see each other next month in "The Hamptons".

P.S. Sorry about the photo Sarah. But you have to admit it's funny!:)

I'm Back from the Wedding!

Ok.

Yes, of course I was at Princess Victoria's wedding to her personal trainer!

Don't say anything about that. At first we were laughing - we were like "what in the hell is going on here? Are we really here? Really? Queen Silvia is letting Victoria marry her trainer?"

And the answer, quite simply - is yes. King Carl and Silvia seemed to be ok about it. At the end of the night, we were all in good spirits and just let it go.

Princess Letizia of Spain told me that, for the longest time they thought she might be a lesbian or something, so they are just happy that she got married.

It's not idle gossip if Letizia says it's so. So just for the record - I was NOT the one to say it. I always thought Victoria was precious. But it did leave me to wonder if the trainer man (Prince now - gag), was a gay. You never know, because of course, every gay wants a royal wedding - it's their dream. Crown Princess Mary of Denmark told me that at the reception.

Speaking of Denmark.

And I KNOW I should have Twittered all the while I was there. But I thought that would be tacky, and thought I would wait. And besides that, I hate typing on an iPhone: so tedious. Why do people do that? (my assistant could not be at the wedding - I know, I thought about that.)

But speaking of Denmark. I heard this one from Countess Gunnila Bernadotte af Winsborg. She was saying that she was waiting for the toilet (even Countesses have to wait sometime..) And she was waiting with Crown Princes Mette Marit from Norway for a stall and they were waiting forever. And then FINALLY, after God knows how long, the door opened up, a huge clowd of cigarette smoke burst out - followed by (you guessed it!) H.R.H. Queen Margarete II of Denmark! She's still hiding out smoking after all these years! We all laughed so hard. Especially Bernadotte - it's so cute to see an old woman laughing - especially when her tiara practically falls off (we laughed even harder then!).

All in all, it was just good to see everybody together again - it's so nice to see everybody in their best. It was like a family reunion.

I danced all night - with just about everyone - including Queen Rania of Jordan, who was said to have been injured in a drunk driving accident on a Vespa. I asked her about it and she looked at me like I had two heads. Where would that have come from if it wasn't true? Is there another Rania I don't know about it? Could be. I can't picture her on a Vespa. Drunk, yes - on a Vespa no.

And yes, everybody was asking me about my Dear Franz thing - and I just had to tell them that I was away. Actually I was on a cure in Mozambique. But I WAS back in time for Donatella's annual Eurovision Party. That was a hoot. We laughed until we cried. Don't ever say Miss V. doesn't have a sense of humor. She's actually a born mimic. If I could have a video of her making fun of the Irish entry.....One would piss oneself. I KEPT trying to get her to do it at the wedding (no, I don't know why she was there either) but she absolutely refused.... I still think about it though - with Isabelle Huppert doing Irish step dancing in the background... Oh Christ.)

I WILL have to write about this party though. I totally have forgotten of it.

But it reminds me - one last thing about the royal wedding - and she's going to hate my guts about it, but Donatella spilled a drink on Prince Albert....AND King Constantine of Greece! I thought I would bust my gut. She was spinning around and must have completely forgotten that she was holding a new glass of champagne -and what do you know. I will never forget Crown Princess Maxima's face - what a smirk. Both the Prince and the King laughed, as they were both somewhat.. beschwipst themselves. And I know I told you that I wouldn't mention it again D, but I promised Maxima I would. Sorry - I owe you:)

Money, Part....

Unloading property doesn't have to be a humiliating experience. And it can be your financial gain. I've done it, and I want to do it again.

First there was a cabin in Switzerland that apparently needed major repair, and since we didn't feel like it, we sold it. Apparently I spent time there as a child with either my father or my mother. I never went there anyway, so I didn't notice it. I really prefer a loge, where you don't have to send a crew a week in advance to heat the place up and clean. Who wants to deal with that? I sure don't.

And currently, I am in a legal battle with my brother. I'm trying to sell a five story house in Manhattan. I have to say that I really don't like New York anymore. I find that 1. half the people I meet are starfuckers, whilst 2. the other half walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk. It makes me want to scream.

You see, my mother bought this property in the late sixties. She took me there as a baby to have a silkscreen made by Andy Warhol. Well, wouldn't you know - while we there he was shot! Shot by some crazed lesbian. I know it's bad to say, but - you should really read this woman's manifesto - it had me laughing like you could not believe! But I hate that, in the end, Andy never did my portrait. By the late seventies, everyone was having them done - and my mother wanted to no part of it. I wish I was more of a "rebellious teen", and would have told her to f off (as I finally got around to doing in the 90's.) Sometime I think of how good it would look over my guest bed in London, and I get so upset.

Well, while mother was in New York, she decided to stay for a while and learn English. Therefore, she bought Carrington Place on the Upper East Side. It really is pretty, prettier than the neighboring houses, but again I never go there.

So why do I want to sell it? Yes, the Beatrix III is being remodeled from stern to poop, but that is not the reason why. The reason why is that it is now worth 15 million dollars and mother put it in my name! And I don't go there! Hey. I've been working hard on this blog and I deserve a little down time - without any questions from the money man! Who can argue with that?

When my brother Felix loses in court, it's one less thing I have to worry about AND it's 15 million dollars in cash. It warms my heart when I think how much fun I am going to have when it's gone. I just think of a year on the Beatrix III - overly staffed for a change. Nobody does that anymore! And, I think it goes without saying: everybody deserves a little luxury now and then.

Now, I ask you again: who can argue with that?

Money Part V

Here is some positive advice that I can give to you all about money. This time I promise I won't go into any of the disturbing aspects - only fun things!

Vacations.

There are many ways to save money and vacation at the same time. The number one way is this: You have friends around the world, take advantage of it!

Chances are that someone you know has a little hideaway somewhere in the world and you just haven't noticed. Ask around, find out. I bet you you'll be surprised at some of what your friends have that you don't know about. Just last week, a friend of mine was surprised to know that I had a vacation spot in Haiti. (The key word is 'had'). We've known each other for twenty years and he had no idea. Actually I didn't either, until I received word that it had been destroyed by the tornado or the earthquake they had there. It had been my father's apparently, a gift from a servant no less. Born in Haiti, this servant, who I kind of remember, as I was told that he was black, was so devoted to my father - that he willed his beach front property that had been in his family for over a century! How moving is that? Apparently there was a problem, however, when my father had to relocate the extended family in order to build "Stefanshorst", the estate that was apparently destroyed. My father was so put off by the "broohaha" that the construction caused, and the "relocation", that he apparently only went there once. I just learned all of this from father's lawyer! Who knew. And anyway, I rarely like to go the Caribbean, due to the humidity.

But the point is, you never have to pay for a vacation rental or whatever. If there's somewhere I want to go in the world - I think first, "Ok - who do I know, that has a place in dot dot dot.....". That is, if I don't have a place there myself. And yes, I have many places hidden around the world - but not in every country! I'm not a sultan!!

Want to go on a cruise? Think to yourself, "Who do I know that sets sail in April", or May - or whatever the month you want. You don't have to rent an entire yacht yourself. And sometime, it can be nice sharing time with friends.

When I think on it, I spend less money when I am being hosted on a vacation, than I do in actual life! When someone is hosting you on vacation - there's nothing you have to take care of!

But always remember that you should reciprocate. That is, if you're not busy away on vacation!

Money, part IV

Dear people,

Learning about money has been no less than emotionally..violent, I would say. When I realised that nearly everything that everyone did was for money, I found it disturbing. I began to look at the world in a completely different way.

The people selling sausages on the street. They are not doing it for amusement. They are doing it for money. I tried to put myself in their shoes, but I couldn't. I got so far as to imagine myself in a paper hat, and then my knees buckled and I required assisting walking to the car. And when I looked up and saw Punjab (that is my driver, I don't know if that is his name but it really suits him), I imagined that he was also helping me for money and I passed out. I don't remember anything after that until I was awoken and reminded of my painting lesson. I'm learning to paint miniatures!

I went down to the salon where I have my lessons and saw my tutor waiting for me. I asked her if she waiting long, and she told me only 80 minutes or so. I was relieved that she hadn't had long to wait. Even if she had, she was surrounded by books and a harp, completely at her disposal.

I wanted to ask her if I was actually paying her for the lessons. But then I realised - of course, I must be. That was probably dumb. But then I asked her the real question: Would you still teach me lessons if I did not pay you. She seemed taken aback. I simply stared at her, as it was a straight forward question.

"I don't know." Was the answer I received.

I will have to think about wether or not I shall retain her if money is so important to her. I think I might have to, because apparently my assistant told me that he had a horrible time trying to find someone to teach me to paint miniatures.

So far, I've successfully painted a miniature of my dearly departed Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, King Charles. I really think it captures his sense of whimsy, as well as his dark side.

But getting back to my reconciliation with people, and their doing everything for money. Let me just say that it hasn't been easy. At first, of course, I was saddened. Oftentimes, debilitatingly depressed. I just imagined myself in all these various jobs. Behind a cash register, or with a chefs hat (I never thought they were ridiculous until I imagined myself with one). With a broom and mop bucket. But I learned what you have to do:

Ignore.

Just pretend as if they are not there. Do not look them in the eye. Look above them if you have to. Go about your business. Just think about yourself. YOU are the only one that matters, otherwise you would have to think about too may other people. There are over six billion people on this planet, and you cannot think about them all.

Not that I don't think about others. Tomorrow, I'm beginning a miniature for Catherine Deneuve.

Money Part 3

Dear Readers,

Ok. Here we go. I was sitting at a dinner recently with several friends. Most of them were noblesse, none of whom have ever had to sell off any properties - or even worse, rent out rooms as if they were a hotel. Therefore, I consider all of these friends "good with money". As entertainment, I brought up my project and they were all thrilled to lend support! And the first rule that we came up with was this:

DON'T TOUCH THE PRINCIPAL!

Yes, we all own stocks and estates that go up and down in value. But if you live off the money that your money makes - you cannot fail! We all grimaced at the plight of some nobel acquaintances of ours - not to mention 'celebrities' that have spent more than their principal: that is where they've all gone wrong. A certain someone that will remain nameless just had to sell off 20,000 hectacres - how embarrassing!

It seems so easy that I almost feel bad writing about it. If everyone would just do this than there would be no more financial crisises.

Also, we decided that every family is old as everyone else's. Even non-noblesse. And this is where the money comes from. Honour your ancestors and take care of what they've left you.

Ok? That's the golden rule. We decided. Princess Victoria of Sweden told me to tell all you readers that if you break this rule: You'll have HER to answer to! (Don't let the silk hat fool you!)

You have asked when.

Dear Readers,

I've been asked when I will have the Money issues ready.

I must tell you that I can say that I really don't know. You see. I was not ready for the popular demand. I can tell you everyday day there is something. For example I had to have lunch with friends yesterday. It was not good. I had the sole and found it disgusting. And on Monday I am getting a haircut. I do not work on Sunday at all. So please. Be patient and you will learn everything that I know about financial matters.

Tschüß!

Money Part 2

Dear Readers,

I am about ready to start answering these financial questions. Many of which I have deleted, but will try to paraphrase.

But first, I have to pay homage to someone I saw on television. She was giving financial advice on her show on American television and it both disturbed and awed me. Her name is Suze Orman. The reason that I know this information is that I wrote it down.

Let me first mention that the only reason I saw this show is that I was staying in a hotel and I couldn't find the remote control.

But Suze was incredible. I think that she should be a saint or at least beatified. She was so incredibly nice to these "people" who called her show. I still don't know if they were real or not. I sat there in bewilderment, listening to question after question. I thought: How is she doing this? How is she keeping calm? To me, it was a bit like trying to give birth control advice to rabbits. Yet, she was being so gentle.

Some things were flying over my head, like 401943 K or IRA something or other. At first I thought it was something about Irish terrorists. But what she was doing was trying to explain to them the "ins and outs" of investing money. Why they didn't have that taken care of - their investments, I still don't know. But these people also had credit cards that they didn't know how to pay for. And to me, that doesn't make sense. But then again, I don't really know how credit cards work. For example, how does one get one? For me, my financial person gave my assistant mine and told me that I could use it until the date on the front. To me that's simple and a questions I can answer right off the bat:

Q: How long is a credit card good for.

A: The date is printed on the front.

And I know they have to be paid, but - don't you just pay that from another account? To me that opens many questions: Can one get a credit card without being able to pay it? If so, then how does one pay it if they can't? What's the limit? I mean can a maid use it to buy a boat? I don't know. Surely there are limits for different types of people.

This is all confusing. I'm sure for all of us.

That is why I am going to clear up all these questions (and more) for you: Gentle Reader.

Money Part 1

Dear Readers,

Today I am coming to term with somethings that I have been quite ignoring.

For the past year, I guess - I've gotten many many questions about money. I've always just ignored them, as I thought they were a joke. Or maybe I just ignored them because I thought they were vulgar, I don't know.

Okay. I do have to admit that I was taken aback by the graphic nature of the questions: What's your advice to becoming wealthy? What your financial secrets are, etc. etc. At first, I really thought that it was people just asking these questions to make fun of me.

But I was at a restaurant last month - I never pay attention to the names of them, so I could not tell you which, but I was with my friend Madonna. At this time she had a male companion seated with us. Very young. Maybe 25. Could be a model. I asked her to ask him to leave as I didn't know him. She sighed, and we had basically a staring contest until she finally asked him to wait at X-. I guess I won. I would hope so. But we started talking about my advice column. People always ask me about it, it gets on my nerves. But I confessed to her about the money thing.

And she brought me to the understanding that people are really serious about this issue: Money. Where does it come from? How does one get much of it? She reminded me of all the people who don't have it and take jobs to get it.

After dinner when the waiter surprised us with a bottle of Louis XIII Remy (I still don't know why), I had an epiphany. I thought: this man is probably not doing this for fun. He is getting paid to be here.... He's doing it for money.

I had never even thought about that. Look around you and most people are performing various tasks: all for money!

And I realized that yes! People DO need my advice on the subject. I can ask around and see if any one I know knows! My assistant works with my ...person who gives me papers to sign! Surely he, I believe it is a he, knows something on the subject.

So, in conclusion. I will not ignore these money questions no longer! I will answer them! Together I will teach you!

Stay tuned for a special Financial Series!

A Touch of....Chinchilla.

Dear Franz,

Recently my mother died and her estate was settled. She left everything to me and my brother on the condition that we sell nothing. I now have her furs. She has a black sable full length, a fox ski jacket and a chinchilla( 3/4 of course). That was it (she was a Jewish refugee from Russia and retained her humble roots, even after becoming a famous romance novelist.) The problem is, is that I don't like furs. Can I sell them? I don't want my brother's wife to have them either.

I get so many questions. And most of them I just read, because of time constraints. But this one takes the cake and I just have to respond.

Perhaps these furs are out of style? Ok. That I can sympathize. But you have can them restyled. So that excuse is out.

Perhaps you think fur is "cruel to animals"? Well, I can tell you that it's not. These animals are treated kindly so that their fur will shiny be, and ...how do you say...Lux. If these animals were treated unfairly or cruelly then their pelts would show it. So that's out too.

Furthermore, do you realize how that in this economy that there are many people who do not have fur coats, and how lucky you are to have three? People are walking around in polyester fiberfilled coats. Is that what you want for yourself?

Maybe you don't have arms? I don't know. Make them into a bedspread. I prefer coyote skins for throws, but I'm sure you're normal furrier could do something for you.

Postcard from Afrika...

Hello,

This is an image from my last trip around the coast of Africa. My two dear, dear friends, made this electronic post card for me. They said they did it themselves but I have no doubt, no doubt in my mind that they had the help of...Miguel (or something), the Greek (I think) cabinboy, that they picked up somewhere in the Greek Isles.. I think. He was helping them with everything the entire length of the trip. It started to get on my nerves actually. He was helping all the ladies on board. Athena Onassis was about the only one who wouldn't let him go below her poop deck. If you catch my drift. And don't say I'm dissing my my two friends, because they'd the first ones to brag about. "Ain't No Shame In Their Game" says my friend and BAP, Toni Morrison.

But anyhow, thank you ladies, and I miss you too. We're still on for the Mombassa Karneval in Kenya next month aren't we? Remember Iman says we can't miss it.

Yes, you can..

Dearest friends,

I have been on a well earned vacation. In AFRICA no less. Actually, better still, it was on a yacht around Africa. And let me tell you, it was so nice that it wasn't my ship for once. It's so nice, every once in a while, when someone invites you on their yacht instead. It's not everyday that that happens. But on that rest, I had the most inspirational moment:

A "friend" of a friend was invited when we docked in Capetown. I was warned that this girl was not noblesse, she was not famous, and in fact had not much to her name at all. Of course, at first I was wary. How do I approach her? What should I say? Will she want something from me? Will we have anything to talk about? But when I saw her, all of my anxieties were assuaged: She was so thin! How could you not love her!?

I was completely smitten. I couldn't figure out just why. As I was warned, she was no one. And on top of that she didn't even have much to say. But she didn't need to. She was so thin, and such a clothes horse that nobody cared! She was nice to look at. And it made me realize that this was something that everyone could learn from:

Not everyone can change the world. Not everyone can do "charity". And of course, not everyone can be noblesse (thank God).. But everyone. And I mean everyone CAN BE THIN! I mean, really - what does it take? Not eating so much? How much does that cost? Nothing.. Nothing at all. I mean, this girl was so thin, with just the right amount of cleavage that she could pull off the most crap Alexander McQueen crap couture shit gown. It almost made me want to cry. And with her giant sunglasses she was just the sweetest thing, you almost wanted to hug her. And I DO NOT like to hug.

But just think about it: If everyone were this thin, there may be world peace. And who wouldn't want that? Recently, I saw photos of "American Tea Party Protesters", and I was so saddened by all the fat I saw - all that grease. Who wouldn't be angry?

So let's all just take a tip from this girl. I don't remember what her name was, she honestly could've been some eastern european prostitute (My host was Russian), but she made my week, the week she was onboard. I can still see the sun shining off her shoulder blades (I actually gave her some of my whale placenta tanning creme.)

So maybe this week, when we're presented with a pasta dish we can think of this individual and all of us, we can.. just say no...

For world peace...

P.S. She was posing for this particular snapshot right before lunch on our last day.

The current baby market

One of the questions we receive here most at DearFranz is this one: From where should I adopt a baby? From what country? Where's the newest place? That question has always been popular, so that's why, last year, I developed a top ten list!

The newest on the list is Ireland. An Irish baby shows an awareness of the country's tanking economy and it's noticeable absence of once thriving charities, such as the Magdalene Laundries. The only obvious problem is that the baby's new owner constantly has to tell people about the adoption, since it may not be obvious (e.g. caucasian parent, caucasian baby). And new parents with darker skin may easily be accused of white slavery. Not good!

Donatella Versace and I spent nearly an hour on this list, so I really do hope that it helps. Actually it was longer than that: we were sitting by the pool and had just finished this list when this huge gust of wind blew that list away....right out into the Italian Riviera. I know she'd kill me for saying this, but you should've seen her chasing that sheet of paper...topless. We laughed so hard we almost died. (Even though we had to write down all ten countries all over again!)

Anyway, here it goes:

10. Ireland

9. India (Slumdog Millionaire is still having an impact)

8. Rwanda. What can you say? It has to be somewhere on this list.

7. Vietnam. Many of us who grew up in the seventies and eighties are probably nostalgic for our childhood playmates we got after the fall of Saigon.

6. Cambodia. Angelina Jolie would cut us dead if we didn't give this nation a "shout out"!

5. China. It seems rather mundane. So many people have them. But they just continue to be popular and really say, "adoption!".

4. Turks and Caicos. People really enjoy traveling back and forth there during the adoption process.

3. Ethiopia. A perennial favorite, probably since Hands Across America.

2. Malawi. Last year this was our number one. But two years in row just wouldn't be believable and I think other countries need a chance to "shine".

1. Congo. It's absolutely the most dangerous place right now, so no.1 is only natural, right?

Remember, this list could change immediately if there were to be some natural disaster, like a tsunami or an earthquake in some remote part of the world. Just hope nothing like that happens in the middle of the adoption process! That happened to a woman I know (remotely) and she was really upset about it at first, but then the adoption country became popular again, so everything turned out ok.

Best of luck to you all!

Let's give a round of applause!

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my friend Anna Wintour - she did such a good job on Letterman last night! She was so nervous, and really wasn't in the mood - but I think she did just fine. She seemed engaged, which I know she was not, and that was so kind! I hope everyone goes to see her movie. I forget what it's called.

But I can think of many parties this year where she was sorely missed: All due to the fact that she was working at her magazine. She works for a good cause and does so for very little money (or so I'm told). God Bless you Anna! Everyone send her flowers or money or something and go see that movie she's in. I don't think she actually acts in it. She was telling me all about it, and she seemed so very excited, but there was something going on in the background, so I was distracted. Or I was on a date or something.... Anyway, keep up the good work!

A little late for Bikini Season

This is a little late for the bikini season in America, but these are things I picked up from some friends in Sardinia!

Dear Franz,

I liked your advice about losing weight: Never eat unless you're with someone else. Do you have any thing else?

Dear Reader,

That really should work for everyone. Never eat unless you're with someone. For those of you who don't know, it's really just so everyone can say, "I don't know how they stay so slender, I always see them eating!"... But take it easy. Like everything else - use moderation. Only eat when you're with other, and in moderation. Maybe I forgot to say that.

But one of the best things I picked up this summer from some friends, and I won't say who - they'd kill me! One of the best things to do is to fool your metabolism by eating one almond an hour! I don't know why I never thought of that myself. So if you stay awake for say, 9 hours a day, always take with you 9 almonds! And reader - one almond an hour and nothing else! Save those calories for going out to dinner or a party. And remember moderation!

Here's a lesson for everyone regarding moderation. And I have no problem using her name, as we are not speaking this month. It was soprano Dawn Upshaw (sorry, Dawn!) and apparently she was using the almond trick, or at least trying. We were at a party that evening at 21 and she made a spectacle of herself, by gorging just about everything in sight. It was revolting! Apparently she ate so much that she vomited in the ladies room (Uninduced, mind you and I heard Renee Flemming had to hold her hair back, I don't know if that's true). So you can imagine what everyone was calling her: Upchuck. ... Writing this I almost feel sorry for her. But not really. She knows where to find me if she wants to apologize....

But not to get too far off the subject. The other weight loss trick I heard this summer is this - and it's a variation on an oldie but goodie: Wrap yourself in plastic, underneath your work out clothes, and walk on the treadmill at varying speeds for lengthy amount of time. Four hours is recommended, but if you can't do that, just find your own exercise trick. I don't know what else to tell you.

Except this: Another source told me that a bottle of magnesium citrate first thing in the morning the day after a party cancels out all the effects of the night before. This must be followed by a two day fast. Drink vegetable broth only to maintain strength.

Best of luck to all you snowbirds out there - See you in Rio!

Little People

Dear Franz,

I'm a 35 year old woman, and I've been asked repeatedly, the same vulgar question: "When are you going to have a baby?" ... I don't know how to answer that. I've worked hard on my body and have no desire to have it deformed by a pregnancy. Can I say that? It seems gauche, but that's really how I feel. And I know Sarah Jessica Parker just had twins grown for her, but I have no interest in that either. So just how do I stop the nagging?

Dear Lady,

I have to say that you are one smart woman. It is rather gauche explaining all the reasons not to bear children: There are already too many, they don't know to feed themselves, they relieve themselves in "diapers", and honestly, in this economy, affording full time help can be expensive. Not to say that you can't afford it. But that could be one way to put people in their place: Pretend that you can't afford full time help, and they may be very very embarrased they asked. (Blame it on Bernie Madoff) We all reluctantly admit that children are necessary for the continuation of the planet, but still. I have heard real horror stories from people who have had them. Applause to every wet nurse and nanny out there: what would people do without you!?

I was in Ireland recently (yes I know, don't judge!) and I saw that the people there are continuing to have them - much less than they used to but, still very.. actively. Yet, the Magdalene Laundries have been shut down since 1996 (fact)! I seriously hope that protestants there will step up and open more orphanages of their own.

(As a side note, my friend Elfriede and I just happened to be in Dublin on "Bloomsday" this past June. It was just absolutely hilarious. All of these people celebrating the fact they read or started to read Ulysses. It was almost endearing - I kept applauding and shouting out "Good for you! Good for you!". And Elfriede was hiding behind my back trying to catch her breath from laughter... People can be cute.)

However, back to your problem. And I'll make it brief. If you don't want to do the Bernie Madoff story, that's fine. I assume you won't want to claim that you're barren, so just do what I do when I'm faced with a question I don't want to answer. After a brief pause...answer back with a very, very icy glare. Stare them down until they change the subject, and I promise you that they'll never ask the question again. It works every time.

Personal Update.. From me, Franz

Dear Readers,

I feel absolutely horrible for abandoning my advice giving computer page blog thing. It's just that I was on this trip (and believe me, it was a trip) with ... so many people. Mainly I'd have to say Athina Onassis.. It was her boat. And let me tell you that it was just so nice being a guest on someone else's yacht for a change! I've heard so much nice feedback from friends reminding me that I really needed a break from hosting on my boat. Le Sardine. (I bought it from a frenchman in Sardinia, I thought that was clever!)...

Anyhow. For those of you who don't know, I started this page on the advice of my friend Donatella (a very famous fashion designer with a very successful business!). I give such good advice at parties I guess, I don't know - and I was really at a loss of what to do after my two Cavalier King Charles Spaniels died - (I have not ruled out murder, Nigella). I was just bored without them. And this seemed to help. But when I took up with Athena on this trip, which started in Malta, I became preoccupied. But I tried to buckle down, I really did. I told Madonna, "I think this is my new career!".. I love her to death, but she did not take me seriously. I was working up on deck one night, with my laptop and iPhone and trying to be good, when she, yes Madonna and of all people Chelsea Clinton (I have no idea when she got onboard) rushed up to me, and threw my equipment over... right out into the sea.

"You're supposed to be on vacation!!" Madonna said. At first I was upset. But, you know what? She was right. People cannot work months on end without taking a break. That's white slavery.

So people, I have piles and piles of emailed questions from you - printed out for me by new assistant Tee Ton (I think that's how you'd spell it - I found him in Bora Bora. I assume he'll correct me after he reads this). And in between I'll try to regale you with some of my stories from the trip. You could practically write a book about what happened to me. Watch out Athina!

Happy? St. Patrick's Day

Dear Franz,

I was invited to a "St. Patrick's" party, and I was appalled. I am not Irish, and do NOT look it whatsoever. How do I let this person know that I don't appreciate being thought of as someone who celebrates anything Irish? 

Dear Reader, 

You can't. But if you're like me, you will call PBS and ask for a refund on your donation unless you receive a written promise that they will never ever show anything like that "Celtic Woman" again. That was just heart stopping. 

But be sympathetic. That is the most important thing. You have to be thankful that you are who you are. Can you imagine nearly starving to death because you thought that the only thing humans could eat were potatoes? That's what brought most of them here. An entire race of people, living on an island, surrounded by fish, and they thought all that they could eat were potatoes. And when the potatoes went bad, they truly believed that they had to travel thousands of miles across an ocean to find potatoes in the new world.  They now call this "the potato famine". 

Once they were here, they had uncontrollable amounts of children, appeared always to be drunk, and fought endlessly. Even after finding all the potatoes they could eat. I hate to print this, but this is something that can be verified by countless political cartoons from the late 19th century. 

Anyhow, just remember that tolerance is the key here. Jesus asked to care for the least among us, and during this lenten season, that's something we should not forget! 

Let Me Entertain You!

Here's another reader question on entertaining at home. 

Liebe Franz,

When entertaining at home, do you have any after dinner entertainment suggestions? I go to so many parties and I see seem to see the same string quartet or local opera singers at every party. It REALLY gets annoying. I'm almost to the point that I hate Schubert.

Liebe Reader,

Well how about this: Just when your guests THINK they are sitting down for a long night with more paid Singspielers, surprise them! YOU can be the entertainment. You haven't spent years playing scales for nothing. And you should always be prepared with at least four pieces of different periods, baroque, classical, romantic, impressionistic...so you can always "mix it up". But make it personal. If your guests like early music, get that old family harpsichord out of the attic and form a little ensemble with your friends and family. Maybe they like twentieth century. My friend Elfriede Jelinek and I recently performed "A Flower" by John Cage after a dinner and it was an absolute smash. But whatever you choose to perform, be %110 prepared. You don't want to be embarrassed, thereby unnerving your guests. 

So, be the entertainer -  just do it:  It's much more personal and your guests will love you more for it! 

It's Today!

Dear Franz,

I'd love to host a dinner party, but I'm not quite sure just who to invite, or what to serve. Can you help?

Dear Reader,

Can I help? Of course! Let me tell you about my last dinner party, which, I'm sure was my best - and I do hate to toot my own horn. 

But take the guest list, for example. Always invite a varied, interesting group of people. That's the most important. Sit an astronaut next to an film star, a politician next to a prize winning activist. Recently my guests included Isabelle Huppert, Joschka Fischer, HRH Frederik André Henrik, and of course, my dear dear friend Björk.  Actually all you have to do is get Isabelle Huppert and Björk in the same room and it's a party. 

At dessert, I'd had an enormous Piece Montée made for just the occasion (highly recommended), and when the servants carried it into the room, complete with sparklers, Björk and Isabelle both let out this scream. The servants nearly dropped the entire croquembouche, and we could not stop laughing! HRH literally blew Kir Royale out of his nose!

So just remember, after they've forgotten details like the Veal Prince Orlaff, it's moments like those that count.  And maybe you don't think that, you too can through such a lavish party? You can. Save your pennies. Go without that new suit for a month or two. Put that new frock, or handbag on hold until you've met your budget. And ladies - it can never hurt to ask for a raise in that allowance (don't tell your husbands I said it!)

Barefoot Beefstock

Dear Franz,

Today I was watching "Barefoot Contessa" and she recommended using homemade beef stock. Now, I know you don't usually answer food questions, but I don't know who else to ask. Also, I assume that you must know Ina Garten.

Dear Reader,

Why of course I know Ina! We've been friends off and on for years, and she's been begging me to be on her show, but I just can't do basic cable.

Anyway, I called her just for you, Reader, and here's her recipe:

1 6lb Prime Rib

16 oz White Truffle Butter (clarified)

16 oz Black Truffle Butter (I like the combination of the two)

1 lb carrots, diced

1 lb shallots, diced

1 lb celery

1 teaspoon XO Cognac (recommended: Meukow)

Fleur de Sel (recommended: Le Tresor)

Pepper

Marinate Prime Rib in black truffle butter, Fleur de Sel and pepper for 24 hours. Saute vegetables in clarified white truffle butter. Add Prime Rib. Add enough water to cover. Bring to a boil and simmer for 6 hours. Add cognac.

Discard Prime Rib remains. Strain and store in quart containers.

How easy is that?

Just slum it!

Dear Franz,

I saw Slumdog Millionaire and I loved it. I really would like to try "slumming it" myself. Do you have any tips? I'm kind of scared!

Dear Reader,

Slumming it can be a lot of fun! It's great for people watching. I can give you some tips, but be warned: Many of our nation's poor can be violent, so try not to stare too much at any one person. Especially if they're of the same gender.

During the day you can go to what are called "dollar stores". They're really a lot of fun, in a creepy way, and everything there really is only a dollar! You've undoubtably seen them around, usually their names have "Dollar" in there somewhere. Don't be afraid! You don't have to touch anything if you're not ready to, and the people there can be really hilarious. Make sure to look at the content combination in their baskets. The last time my friend Anoushka and I visited one of these places, she made the most keen observation. After looking around in silence, she took a deep breath and said, "This is what it must've been like in Ceausescu's Poland".....I got chills.

But if you do happen to feel up to it, buy something. Your friends won't believe you when you tell them! 

At nighttime, I would not recommend starting out going to "neighborhood bars" - which would be somewhat extreme and can be really emotionally difficult. Try starting out at "casual dining" establishments such as "Applebee's" and "TGI Fridays". You'd never believe what some people leave the house looking like, and sometimes the foodstuffs on their plates can even be more shocking! Oh, and the portion sizes can be literally breathtaking. But in the end, it's eye opening and you may feel changed at the end of the night. 

These are just a couple of things you can do, and, depending on your comfort level, there may be many more.