She's not my Mammy

Dear Franz,

I heard you have a Mammy. LOL

I know who wrote that and I will not give you the satisfaction of having your name on my column. LOL yourself.

To address this, I have been getting a lot of heat lately about my choice of a maid. And now I must defend myself and say, however cliché it may sound that I am not racist! I have simply followed a childhood dream; something that many people simply never do, and are therefore jealous.

You see, ever since I saw Gone With the Wind as a child, I wanted a house full of black servants. I know that may sound bad, but it's not. I remember my mother saying the same things to me. "Franz - they are slaves. Slavery is revolting."

I know. I'm not stupid. Even as a child I knew that slavery was revolting. I said that. "But I want to pay them! Why can't we get rid of Frau Schumer and Jeeves - and get people like Mammy and Uncle Peter?

Mother just rolled her eyes and took a drink from Jeeves' tray. I didn't know he was standing right next to her.

But I think everyone must think that when they read or see Gone with the Wind. Everyone wants someone like Mammy. Even someone amusing like Prissy (who always is messing something up!), seems like fun to have around.

You see, people like our old Jeeves and Frau Schumer (who's STILL around)... it was always if they were afraid of me. Mammy on the other hand, gives her honest opinion. Wether one likes it or not.

SO one day, I became brave, and at great expense - I hired someone to bring me someone like Mammy back to Vienna. The criteria wee that she must have domestic experience, be very confident, and finally, extremely overweight and black.

(Ok. Now that I'm writing about this, Donatella - I'm beginning to see what you mean. It gets worse LOL)

When she arrived I asked her what her name was and she said "Barb". I paused for a minute and then I asked her if I could call her Magnolia. A name I had given a lot of thought to. It sounds as though it would be from the American South, yet sturdy, and very strong. She looked at me as if I were crazy. I told her that every one here has "nicknames" - which I don't know if it's true or not. Most people in my circles have a "Jeeves", and they can't all be really named that. Who would name their child that?

I don't remember what she answered, but now I call her Magnolia. I hope that's not what has set off her temper, because this woman is MEAN. Be careful what you wish for right? LOL. I wanted someone to take care of me and "tell it like it is".. But I would say her insults are little harsher than I remember in Gone with the Wind. Even dubbed in German, Mammy in Vom Winde Verweht isn't that strong.

I heard her say the other day, "Move yo faggotty ass and get your own damn martini. It's right over there.".. And then something about her being a Christian and alcohol. I was shocked. I have never been talked to that way before. Was this what I wanted? I don't know. I would've called the police on Frau Schumer. Or at least had her punished.

So at this time we're getting acquainted with one another. We'll see how it goes. I paid so much money and everyone is doubting me, I have to see this through!

And no. She does not have a rag on her head. She won't wear it. I told her it was custom made, but she doesn't care. "Isn't it bad enough that you changed my name to Magnolia?".. I don't know why that is such a big deal. Really I don't.