ON BUYING A BOAT

When it comes to choosing a boat, I get a lot of questions.

Why me?

I don't know. People ask me about everything.

The only thing I know about boats is this: Beatrix III is mine and she's not for sale.

But if you're really serious getting into yachting, here are some of things I think you should look for are:

1. Number of bedrooms. Do you plan on entertaining? Don't pack your friends in like sardines. It'll be embarrassing for you and uncomfortable for your friends.

2. Storage. Basically I mean there has to be a lot of refrigeration space for champagne. What's the point of being out to sea without that? What's the point of being anywhere without it? But seriously - have you ever been onboard or anywhere, where you've requested a new bottle - only to be told that there wasn't anything cold? I can't think of anything more disappointing than that.

That actually happened to me a couple of years ago. I'll never forget it. I was at a party on the coast in Sardinia - And the party was going fantastically - we were all laughing and having a good time, and then we were told that there was no more champagne - or at least, we had to wait for it to be chilled. Can you believe that? At a party! Needless to say, the party kind of died after that. Maybe that could've been the fault of the crew, and it had nothing to do with the boat - but just the same - I imagine that if there was more room then it wouldn't have been a problem.

3. The only other thing I can think of is to make sure it's been refitted and remodeled in the last few years. There's always something creepy and "musty" when you feel like you're walking into some 70s time warp. I can't stand that. It's actually very depressing..


Other than that. If you're serious about buying a boat, have your team study the issue of Architectural Digest where Beatrix III is featured. Not the one for from the late 80s of course, but the one from a couple years ago when she was refitted after that design contest. I'm not sure which issue it was, so call AD and ask them. I'm not sure who to ask for, but I remember the photographer's name was either Thorsten or Thor... something......

Anyway - people often tell me how that issue inspired them in some way or another.

I tell them simply, yes - I'm inspired too..........every time I step onboard.

SHE DROPPED HIM LIKE A HOT POTATO!

Dear Franz,

I met a girl, we hit it off immediately the night we met. Things went great for a month. She would say things like, “I really like you.” We both willingly supplied information about our exes, including that I still own a home with mine (I was not living there).

New girl and I spent a lot of time together, including holidays. After that, all of a sudden she wants to break up. “You’re a great guy, but I still have feelings for my ex.”

I was crushed but was getting over it. Lately though, for months, she’s all I think about. I’ve contacted her here and there just to say hi. Sometimes she responds, others not, and she has told me she has a boyfriend.

I can’t help feeling, though, that it was because I still had connections to my ex (just financial), and that maybe she was waiting for me to get my act together. I still have tremendous feelings for her and I think these feelings have grown in our time apart.

How can I find out if there is still a chance between us without playing the “stalker” role? Or should I just let it go? How can things go from white-hot to code blue in just a matter of days?


Too late!

You mentioned the holidays: no one wants to be alone during the holidays. That's why she found YOU. At the very least, you too were able to spend the holidays not alone. That's nice isn't it?

Also, the reason she was with you, was to make her ex feel jealous - to let him know that she could find somebody else if she needed to. And she could - and she did!

So that's how it can go from white hot to code blue in a matter of days. Or at least one example...

Also, you seem to be very sheltered and not very savvy about the ways of love. So I wouldn't recommend getting in a relationship anytime soon. Have as many of these short little affairs that you can, to get yourself used to how people really "work." And then - when you've found that special someone, so won't be so naive and clueless. That's the worst!

And remember - don't be needy!

And if you want - while you're looking for that next date - why not have her new boyfriend followed? just for the fun of it! You may find some interesting information you can give this young lady, and perhaps she'll come back to you!



And P.S. Don't forget about the book, "Dear Franz" now on iTunes - and for your little Kindles!

BORED HOUSEWIFE NEEDS JUSTIFICATION

Dear Franz,

I have chosen to stay at home to raise my children despite having an advanced degree. I have found that this is a very unpopular decision and avoid mentioning it when possible, as others immediately assume that I am incapable of saying anything of interest on any topic.

Some individuals go a step further and expect me to defend my decision. Unfortunately, the reasons are such that I don’t wish to air them in public. Recently a dining companion addressed the issue thusly: “I can’t imagine what I would do with myself if I were home full time. How do you manage to keep yourself occupied?”

The demands at home are such that I have relatively little unencumbered time, and it is difficult to schedule it in advance, so I don’t have a major hobby. What interests I do have are not pursued with the intensity that would be expected for a lady of leisure.

Is there a polite way to finesse the subject so as to make my admission and move on, or do I just have to accept this as the natural fallout of my choice?



I think that's all in your head. MOST people I know with advanced degrees (like me) also choose to "stay home." Though I have no children, I do have a pet that I care for and who means everything to me.

I've often given the advice to make up a title for yourself. Start a foundation and say that you run it. Many people do that, and people are impressed.

I tried to do that - but when people ask me the details of my "Franz Foundation" I just go cross eyed with boredom and can't bring myself to even pretend that I care. Many people are different though! Maybe you really care for my foundation. (Boring!)

I just try to be real - I have no one to impress, so I just tell the truth. "How do you keep yourself busy?" Is not a question that I care to think about. But when people ask - I just tell them the truth. "I was onboard Beatrix III for the last three months, I was at weightloss spa the previous two months. Before that, of course was a party bender that lasted 3 months (thus the need for the spa).." What's there to be embarrassed about?

I don't have to lie and say that I was at some anti-landmine rally. For me personally, I wouldn't want to hear about that anyway. I don't like to hear about pain and misery - I know it exists, but what's the point in knowing about it? Life is so short!

Anyway - I hope I'm not getting off the subject. The point is, I don't care what you do - and neither should you. Perhaps since you get so worked up about what other people think - you're really actually bored....

Why not go on a trip somewhere and get your minds of things? Take a lover or something. I don't know. Just make sure you don't let what other people think bother you so much.. You'll definitely start to feel better about yourself and sound less bored, passive-aggressive and bitter.

THIS PREACHER IS ABOUT TO GET BUSTED!

Dear Franz,

My nephew, “Charles,” a minister in his 50s, confided to me that he is unhappy in his marriage and is attracted to someone else. He asked me to keep this confidential, and I have. Charles’ wife and I are together a few hours per week on a regular basis. She is concerned because he seems depressed and spends most of his time at home sleeping. She knows Charles considers me a mother figure now that both his parents are deceased. She is suggesting that perhaps he has shared with me some of the reasons for his depression. I feel horrible. If this comes out— and it will—Charles’ wife will feel betrayed on many levels. I don’t know what to do. Can you help?

I love this and can't wait to hear how this turns out!

You see, this just proves that ALL "ministers" and evangelicals are hypocrites who are eventually exposed for the world to see!

Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard, Elmer Gantry!

It's just one of those things people live for. The public loves the fall of a "preacher" better than a happy ending or the birth of a baby! I guess it's just human nature. I'm just saying this so you don't have to worry about it. You don't have to worry about it - just watch it unfold. Hopefully he has a different last name than yours, so you won't have to get tied into it.

More than likely - it won't be just his adultery problems that come to light. I bet you dollar to donuts (did I get that phrase right?) that there will be tax issues, and embezzling! Who knows what else.

But do realize: this too shall pass. That means, after the scandal (and if there's any prison time involved for the money issues), all he has to do is cry before his congregation and beg for their forgiveness. Most people don't like to admit they were wrong - and your nephew's congregation won't either. They've given him so much of their money, they don't want to feel like they've been duped. They'll all go on like nothing happened, and in a couple years, your nephew will be back to his holier-than-thou ways.

Make sure to email me the name of your nephew so that I can receive "google alerts" concerning the unfolding scandal.


For more great advice like this - make sure to buy the book "Dear Franz" now available on iTunes! OR for your Kindle!

OOPS, I CRAPPED MY PANTS!

Dear Franz,

I work for a rather large company and do not know nearly all of my “coworkers,” but do know some of the employees.

Recently, on the way to the building entrance, I “messed” my pants. I had been feeling fine up until then, but it just happened.

Totally embarrassed, I ran back to my car, as it was starting to show through my pants, and drove home. I called my employer and told them I was sick and would try to be in that afternoon. I did return to work in the afternoon. What should I do if someone noticed this more-than-embarrassing moment?

This is one of those questions that I get - that I don't believe people are seriously asking me.

Tell me: how do you know that somebody, anybody noticed?

Just say someone asks you innocently, "Were you alright this morning? I saw you running to your car, with your hands covering up your butt."

I assume this is your nightmare-scenario-question, right? The one you're dreading to hear?

You answer could be any of the following. I'll let you guess which is the right answer:

a. "Yes, I accidently crapped my pants on my way into work. I didn't want anyone to see it bleeding through my khakis, so I cupped my hands over my ass. You didn't see the stain did you?"

b. "Yes, I'm having bowel and bladder control issues. I'm just not ready to start using adult diapers though, so it's just something I'm dealing with...."

c. "Yes - I am one of those last Olean addicts. The seepage problem is new to me. Any advice?"

d. "O God! That was horrible! I thought I had gas and then..... thrppppppllllhpppp..." (I don't know how to spell a raspberry sound..)

e. You can look at them as if you have no idea what they're talking about and tell them that you forgot your wallet and had to run home.


Which one do YOU think is the correct answer? There's only one, and I'll let you be responsible if you choose the wrong one.

But please know that nobody who witnessed such gruesomeness, such gore - is ever, ever going to confront you about it. They may tell other people, but you're just going to have to deny it until the day you die. Forget it ever happened. Forget it. Because if someone actually witnessed it, that's exactly what they're trying to do themselves.


More advice on iTunes and on
Amazon!

IS SHE TOO ATTACHED TO HER DOGS?

Dear Franz,

I am 69. I have four children, seven grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Although I love them all, my first family is grown and moved on from my day-to-day life. My new life includes two “girls,” both yellow Labradors.

They each have a vocabulary of about 200 words. They know when I am happy, sad or mad. They learned to sneak up on the foot of my bed without disturbing me. It’s their home, too. Brandy and Duchess are part of my family; it is not a joke. Those who think it is have never known the unconditional love a canine can have for its owner, or the owner for his or her companion. I would suggest that doubters have a little more compassion for those who find comfort in a life form that, if treated with love and kindness, is incapable of betrayal, and is always at the door to meet you.


Ok. First of all, I have to say that this letter is about the saddest I've ever gotten! Wow!

You're not even asking me a question, just telling me that about your dogs! And I'm not pointing this out to be mean to you. I'm really not. Obviously I'm here to help.

And since I'm here to help you - then I need to bring you back to earth! Nobody is trying to take away Brandy and Duchess from you, OK? I know you're a little old, and you don't have much to think about. This means that your mind wanders and you come up with crazy scenarios that aren't true.

Am I right? What else do you have to do as the hours pass slowly by you?

Just know that most people just don't care about your relationship with Brandy and Duchess. It's not that they think it's a joke, or don't believe that these dogs talk to you (which they don't), it's just that they don't care.

You see?

I know this from experience, too - and I'm neither old, bored OR senile. I've come to terms with the fact that Lulu isn't automatically treated with the same respect as I am. But I just have to take extra steps to make that happen. I make sure that Lulu hosts a party once or twice a year, to ensure that she in turn gets invitations to parties herself. Little things like that. I just don't go writing to strangers and complaining about it.

And one more thing. I don't know how okay it is that you're soooo attached to Brandy and Duchess. The reason being, I'm not sure how loyal big dogs are. Little dogs are devoted and loyal and part of the family for life. Big dogs seem like they might run away if given the chance. So if that happens, I'm afraid you may be crushed - so be a little more guarded than you are, ok?

NO MORE HUGS!

Dear Franz,

I adore my husband and our two young children, but I am at a loss as to how to see my husband’s love and affection as anything other than yet another demand for my time and energy. He is loving, affectionate, kind, passionate but when he comes to give me a hug or anything along those lines (whether it’s JUST a hug, or a hopeful lead-in to something else), I think, “Go the hell away and take care of yourself.” What is wrong with me? My head knows he is fabulous in every way.


I wouldn't say that there's anything particularly wrong with you. I imagine, like me - most people are mystified by the act of "hugging." Why do it? Who started such a stupid thing?

Personally, I can't stand it - "hugging." I imagine most people feel like I do. When someone wants to grab you and put their arms around you, who likes that? It's like being strangled or suffocated. You just want to scream and gasp for air!

Nobody likes that! Am I right?

But in your case, it may be different. Since you are complaining about "hugs" from your husband and not your children - it may be your husband who's suffocating you figuratively. And when he moves in with his big arms like a giant octopus - it reminds me you of how he represses you and tries to suffocate your hopes and your dreams.

Can I be on the right path?

You may be in the midst of a power struggle at the moment - and you may be losing! Try to gain some ground, if you can. Find his weak spots and expose them. It would be better for you if your husband was the one who feared your advancing claw arms - and not the other way around.

In the meantime, have a talk with him. Tell him how hugging disturbs you. Make sure he knows that you're not alone and that most people can't stand that nonsense. If we, as a society want to see an end to people grabbing and suffocating each other - then we need to start in our homes.




P.S. Don't forget to buy "Dear Franz" the Book - now available on iTunes! Or, for your little Kindles, you buy them here on Amazon!