OOPS, I CRAPPED MY PANTS!

Dear Franz,

I work for a rather large company and do not know nearly all of my “coworkers,” but do know some of the employees.

Recently, on the way to the building entrance, I “messed” my pants. I had been feeling fine up until then, but it just happened.

Totally embarrassed, I ran back to my car, as it was starting to show through my pants, and drove home. I called my employer and told them I was sick and would try to be in that afternoon. I did return to work in the afternoon. What should I do if someone noticed this more-than-embarrassing moment?

This is one of those questions that I get - that I don't believe people are seriously asking me.

Tell me: how do you know that somebody, anybody noticed?

Just say someone asks you innocently, "Were you alright this morning? I saw you running to your car, with your hands covering up your butt."

I assume this is your nightmare-scenario-question, right? The one you're dreading to hear?

You answer could be any of the following. I'll let you guess which is the right answer:

a. "Yes, I accidently crapped my pants on my way into work. I didn't want anyone to see it bleeding through my khakis, so I cupped my hands over my ass. You didn't see the stain did you?"

b. "Yes, I'm having bowel and bladder control issues. I'm just not ready to start using adult diapers though, so it's just something I'm dealing with...."

c. "Yes - I am one of those last Olean addicts. The seepage problem is new to me. Any advice?"

d. "O God! That was horrible! I thought I had gas and then..... thrppppppllllhpppp..." (I don't know how to spell a raspberry sound..)

e. You can look at them as if you have no idea what they're talking about and tell them that you forgot your wallet and had to run home.


Which one do YOU think is the correct answer? There's only one, and I'll let you be responsible if you choose the wrong one.

But please know that nobody who witnessed such gruesomeness, such gore - is ever, ever going to confront you about it. They may tell other people, but you're just going to have to deny it until the day you die. Forget it ever happened. Forget it. Because if someone actually witnessed it, that's exactly what they're trying to do themselves.


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