THIS WOMAN IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER STEPSON!!

Dear Franz,

I married “Raymond” in 2004.I met his son, “Bill,”a year before the wedding and have been in a relationship with him ever since. (He’s married.)

Raymond provides all the necessities —house, car, food, clothes, etc. But Bill supports me emotionally.

I have learned that marriages dissolve for one of two reasons: money or sex. The money is there, but Raymond and I are no longer romantic.

Am I walking into a ring of fire by keeping the relationship with Bill? Ray says he loves me and cares about me, but only when I ask how he feels about me. With Bill, I don’t have to ask—he says it.


Are you walking into a ring of fire??! Is that a serious question?

You're a filthy whore who already has her place in hell secured. Believe me. You'll definitely be in that ring of fire for all eternity - simply for grossing out me and all my readers.

Reading your letter gave me the creeps - to put it mildly, so I can't imagine what your husband will go through when he finds out. And he will! It really doesn't matter that Bill says he loves you. What's important is is that you're a whore and a slut who is really going to have be put through the ringer when everyone finds out about this. And let me tell you - "Bill's" love will not provide you any comfort when people are shouting out "whore" "skank" and "slut" as you walk through Wal-mart.

You will rue the day you got yourself in this mess.

So what's the solution?

First of all - do NOT kill either of them. It will just make things worse, and you'll end up in prison. Though you should be in some kind of prison right now. I know what's on your mind right now - and since you have no morals, I have to warn you - don't do it!

Second - divorce "Raymond QUIETLY as possible.
Third - end it with Bill. Not third, but immediately.
Fourth - immediately find a new husband to associate yourself with someone else. As soon as possible.
Finally - deny everything that happened. Until the day you die. At least it gives you the appearance of a little shame.

Ugh...

Ewww!!

YOU MUSN'T SAY 'THANK YOU' YOURSELF!

Dear Franz,

My Husband does not write anybody any time for anything. I gave him a 53rd birthday party with 30 guests attending and wonderful gifts. He refuses to write them thank you cards and said if I want to send them do it myself!!!

Please help... Should I write them and sign his name? I really so feel like it is not my responsibility. Not my birthday, not my gifts??? I need your omnipotent knowledge! We have been married 18 months!



As far as I'm concerned, your husband's secretary should be taking care of that mess. I've never written a thank you card personally, but they're always received!

I asked for an example of my "thank you" notes, and it turns out I have different ones for different things. One for "gifts" and one for "donations in my name." I think that's it. But it's written in third person in both German AND English, "The Duke of Merzebnurg thanks you for his gift.." Blah blah blah.. I don't think anybody actually reads them, but it's the thought that counts.

So why not have your printer have some engraved in the third person and neither you nor your husband will have to worry about it.

One special touch people enjoy (or rather I assume they enjoy) is when a personal photograph is added to the note - for example, a photo of your last portrait. It's something they can treasure and it makes them feel special - a special "treat" for their gift they've given.

ON BUYING A BOAT

When it comes to choosing a boat, I get a lot of questions.

Why me?

I don't know. People ask me about everything.

The only thing I know about boats is this: Beatrix III is mine and she's not for sale.

But if you're really serious getting into yachting, here are some of things I think you should look for are:

1. Number of bedrooms. Do you plan on entertaining? Don't pack your friends in like sardines. It'll be embarrassing for you and uncomfortable for your friends.

2. Storage. Basically I mean there has to be a lot of refrigeration space for champagne. What's the point of being out to sea without that? What's the point of being anywhere without it? But seriously - have you ever been onboard or anywhere, where you've requested a new bottle - only to be told that there wasn't anything cold? I can't think of anything more disappointing than that.

That actually happened to me a couple of years ago. I'll never forget it. I was at a party on the coast in Sardinia - And the party was going fantastically - we were all laughing and having a good time, and then we were told that there was no more champagne - or at least, we had to wait for it to be chilled. Can you believe that? At a party! Needless to say, the party kind of died after that. Maybe that could've been the fault of the crew, and it had nothing to do with the boat - but just the same - I imagine that if there was more room then it wouldn't have been a problem.

3. The only other thing I can think of is to make sure it's been refitted and remodeled in the last few years. There's always something creepy and "musty" when you feel like you're walking into some 70s time warp. I can't stand that. It's actually very depressing..


Other than that. If you're serious about buying a boat, have your team study the issue of Architectural Digest where Beatrix III is featured. Not the one for from the late 80s of course, but the one from a couple years ago when she was refitted after that design contest. I'm not sure which issue it was, so call AD and ask them. I'm not sure who to ask for, but I remember the photographer's name was either Thorsten or Thor... something......

Anyway - people often tell me how that issue inspired them in some way or another.

I tell them simply, yes - I'm inspired too..........every time I step onboard.

SHE DROPPED HIM LIKE A HOT POTATO!

Dear Franz,

I met a girl, we hit it off immediately the night we met. Things went great for a month. She would say things like, “I really like you.” We both willingly supplied information about our exes, including that I still own a home with mine (I was not living there).

New girl and I spent a lot of time together, including holidays. After that, all of a sudden she wants to break up. “You’re a great guy, but I still have feelings for my ex.”

I was crushed but was getting over it. Lately though, for months, she’s all I think about. I’ve contacted her here and there just to say hi. Sometimes she responds, others not, and she has told me she has a boyfriend.

I can’t help feeling, though, that it was because I still had connections to my ex (just financial), and that maybe she was waiting for me to get my act together. I still have tremendous feelings for her and I think these feelings have grown in our time apart.

How can I find out if there is still a chance between us without playing the “stalker” role? Or should I just let it go? How can things go from white-hot to code blue in just a matter of days?


Too late!

You mentioned the holidays: no one wants to be alone during the holidays. That's why she found YOU. At the very least, you too were able to spend the holidays not alone. That's nice isn't it?

Also, the reason she was with you, was to make her ex feel jealous - to let him know that she could find somebody else if she needed to. And she could - and she did!

So that's how it can go from white hot to code blue in a matter of days. Or at least one example...

Also, you seem to be very sheltered and not very savvy about the ways of love. So I wouldn't recommend getting in a relationship anytime soon. Have as many of these short little affairs that you can, to get yourself used to how people really "work." And then - when you've found that special someone, so won't be so naive and clueless. That's the worst!

And remember - don't be needy!

And if you want - while you're looking for that next date - why not have her new boyfriend followed? just for the fun of it! You may find some interesting information you can give this young lady, and perhaps she'll come back to you!



And P.S. Don't forget about the book, "Dear Franz" now on iTunes - and for your little Kindles!

BORED HOUSEWIFE NEEDS JUSTIFICATION

Dear Franz,

I have chosen to stay at home to raise my children despite having an advanced degree. I have found that this is a very unpopular decision and avoid mentioning it when possible, as others immediately assume that I am incapable of saying anything of interest on any topic.

Some individuals go a step further and expect me to defend my decision. Unfortunately, the reasons are such that I don’t wish to air them in public. Recently a dining companion addressed the issue thusly: “I can’t imagine what I would do with myself if I were home full time. How do you manage to keep yourself occupied?”

The demands at home are such that I have relatively little unencumbered time, and it is difficult to schedule it in advance, so I don’t have a major hobby. What interests I do have are not pursued with the intensity that would be expected for a lady of leisure.

Is there a polite way to finesse the subject so as to make my admission and move on, or do I just have to accept this as the natural fallout of my choice?



I think that's all in your head. MOST people I know with advanced degrees (like me) also choose to "stay home." Though I have no children, I do have a pet that I care for and who means everything to me.

I've often given the advice to make up a title for yourself. Start a foundation and say that you run it. Many people do that, and people are impressed.

I tried to do that - but when people ask me the details of my "Franz Foundation" I just go cross eyed with boredom and can't bring myself to even pretend that I care. Many people are different though! Maybe you really care for my foundation. (Boring!)

I just try to be real - I have no one to impress, so I just tell the truth. "How do you keep yourself busy?" Is not a question that I care to think about. But when people ask - I just tell them the truth. "I was onboard Beatrix III for the last three months, I was at weightloss spa the previous two months. Before that, of course was a party bender that lasted 3 months (thus the need for the spa).." What's there to be embarrassed about?

I don't have to lie and say that I was at some anti-landmine rally. For me personally, I wouldn't want to hear about that anyway. I don't like to hear about pain and misery - I know it exists, but what's the point in knowing about it? Life is so short!

Anyway - I hope I'm not getting off the subject. The point is, I don't care what you do - and neither should you. Perhaps since you get so worked up about what other people think - you're really actually bored....

Why not go on a trip somewhere and get your minds of things? Take a lover or something. I don't know. Just make sure you don't let what other people think bother you so much.. You'll definitely start to feel better about yourself and sound less bored, passive-aggressive and bitter.

THIS PREACHER IS ABOUT TO GET BUSTED!

Dear Franz,

My nephew, “Charles,” a minister in his 50s, confided to me that he is unhappy in his marriage and is attracted to someone else. He asked me to keep this confidential, and I have. Charles’ wife and I are together a few hours per week on a regular basis. She is concerned because he seems depressed and spends most of his time at home sleeping. She knows Charles considers me a mother figure now that both his parents are deceased. She is suggesting that perhaps he has shared with me some of the reasons for his depression. I feel horrible. If this comes out— and it will—Charles’ wife will feel betrayed on many levels. I don’t know what to do. Can you help?

I love this and can't wait to hear how this turns out!

You see, this just proves that ALL "ministers" and evangelicals are hypocrites who are eventually exposed for the world to see!

Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard, Elmer Gantry!

It's just one of those things people live for. The public loves the fall of a "preacher" better than a happy ending or the birth of a baby! I guess it's just human nature. I'm just saying this so you don't have to worry about it. You don't have to worry about it - just watch it unfold. Hopefully he has a different last name than yours, so you won't have to get tied into it.

More than likely - it won't be just his adultery problems that come to light. I bet you dollar to donuts (did I get that phrase right?) that there will be tax issues, and embezzling! Who knows what else.

But do realize: this too shall pass. That means, after the scandal (and if there's any prison time involved for the money issues), all he has to do is cry before his congregation and beg for their forgiveness. Most people don't like to admit they were wrong - and your nephew's congregation won't either. They've given him so much of their money, they don't want to feel like they've been duped. They'll all go on like nothing happened, and in a couple years, your nephew will be back to his holier-than-thou ways.

Make sure to email me the name of your nephew so that I can receive "google alerts" concerning the unfolding scandal.


For more great advice like this - make sure to buy the book "Dear Franz" now available on iTunes! OR for your Kindle!

OOPS, I CRAPPED MY PANTS!

Dear Franz,

I work for a rather large company and do not know nearly all of my “coworkers,” but do know some of the employees.

Recently, on the way to the building entrance, I “messed” my pants. I had been feeling fine up until then, but it just happened.

Totally embarrassed, I ran back to my car, as it was starting to show through my pants, and drove home. I called my employer and told them I was sick and would try to be in that afternoon. I did return to work in the afternoon. What should I do if someone noticed this more-than-embarrassing moment?

This is one of those questions that I get - that I don't believe people are seriously asking me.

Tell me: how do you know that somebody, anybody noticed?

Just say someone asks you innocently, "Were you alright this morning? I saw you running to your car, with your hands covering up your butt."

I assume this is your nightmare-scenario-question, right? The one you're dreading to hear?

You answer could be any of the following. I'll let you guess which is the right answer:

a. "Yes, I accidently crapped my pants on my way into work. I didn't want anyone to see it bleeding through my khakis, so I cupped my hands over my ass. You didn't see the stain did you?"

b. "Yes, I'm having bowel and bladder control issues. I'm just not ready to start using adult diapers though, so it's just something I'm dealing with...."

c. "Yes - I am one of those last Olean addicts. The seepage problem is new to me. Any advice?"

d. "O God! That was horrible! I thought I had gas and then..... thrppppppllllhpppp..." (I don't know how to spell a raspberry sound..)

e. You can look at them as if you have no idea what they're talking about and tell them that you forgot your wallet and had to run home.


Which one do YOU think is the correct answer? There's only one, and I'll let you be responsible if you choose the wrong one.

But please know that nobody who witnessed such gruesomeness, such gore - is ever, ever going to confront you about it. They may tell other people, but you're just going to have to deny it until the day you die. Forget it ever happened. Forget it. Because if someone actually witnessed it, that's exactly what they're trying to do themselves.


More advice on iTunes and on
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IS SHE TOO ATTACHED TO HER DOGS?

Dear Franz,

I am 69. I have four children, seven grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Although I love them all, my first family is grown and moved on from my day-to-day life. My new life includes two “girls,” both yellow Labradors.

They each have a vocabulary of about 200 words. They know when I am happy, sad or mad. They learned to sneak up on the foot of my bed without disturbing me. It’s their home, too. Brandy and Duchess are part of my family; it is not a joke. Those who think it is have never known the unconditional love a canine can have for its owner, or the owner for his or her companion. I would suggest that doubters have a little more compassion for those who find comfort in a life form that, if treated with love and kindness, is incapable of betrayal, and is always at the door to meet you.


Ok. First of all, I have to say that this letter is about the saddest I've ever gotten! Wow!

You're not even asking me a question, just telling me that about your dogs! And I'm not pointing this out to be mean to you. I'm really not. Obviously I'm here to help.

And since I'm here to help you - then I need to bring you back to earth! Nobody is trying to take away Brandy and Duchess from you, OK? I know you're a little old, and you don't have much to think about. This means that your mind wanders and you come up with crazy scenarios that aren't true.

Am I right? What else do you have to do as the hours pass slowly by you?

Just know that most people just don't care about your relationship with Brandy and Duchess. It's not that they think it's a joke, or don't believe that these dogs talk to you (which they don't), it's just that they don't care.

You see?

I know this from experience, too - and I'm neither old, bored OR senile. I've come to terms with the fact that Lulu isn't automatically treated with the same respect as I am. But I just have to take extra steps to make that happen. I make sure that Lulu hosts a party once or twice a year, to ensure that she in turn gets invitations to parties herself. Little things like that. I just don't go writing to strangers and complaining about it.

And one more thing. I don't know how okay it is that you're soooo attached to Brandy and Duchess. The reason being, I'm not sure how loyal big dogs are. Little dogs are devoted and loyal and part of the family for life. Big dogs seem like they might run away if given the chance. So if that happens, I'm afraid you may be crushed - so be a little more guarded than you are, ok?

NO MORE HUGS!

Dear Franz,

I adore my husband and our two young children, but I am at a loss as to how to see my husband’s love and affection as anything other than yet another demand for my time and energy. He is loving, affectionate, kind, passionate but when he comes to give me a hug or anything along those lines (whether it’s JUST a hug, or a hopeful lead-in to something else), I think, “Go the hell away and take care of yourself.” What is wrong with me? My head knows he is fabulous in every way.


I wouldn't say that there's anything particularly wrong with you. I imagine, like me - most people are mystified by the act of "hugging." Why do it? Who started such a stupid thing?

Personally, I can't stand it - "hugging." I imagine most people feel like I do. When someone wants to grab you and put their arms around you, who likes that? It's like being strangled or suffocated. You just want to scream and gasp for air!

Nobody likes that! Am I right?

But in your case, it may be different. Since you are complaining about "hugs" from your husband and not your children - it may be your husband who's suffocating you figuratively. And when he moves in with his big arms like a giant octopus - it reminds me you of how he represses you and tries to suffocate your hopes and your dreams.

Can I be on the right path?

You may be in the midst of a power struggle at the moment - and you may be losing! Try to gain some ground, if you can. Find his weak spots and expose them. It would be better for you if your husband was the one who feared your advancing claw arms - and not the other way around.

In the meantime, have a talk with him. Tell him how hugging disturbs you. Make sure he knows that you're not alone and that most people can't stand that nonsense. If we, as a society want to see an end to people grabbing and suffocating each other - then we need to start in our homes.




P.S. Don't forget to buy "Dear Franz" the Book - now available on iTunes! Or, for your little Kindles, you buy them here on Amazon!

CUT FROM THE WILL? WHO'S FAULT IS IT?

Dear Franz,

When my grandfather died, he disinherited my father and left everything to Dad’s younger brother. There really wasn’t any money involved, just possessions. My uncle gave Dad nothing, not even a photograph! When my father died 10 years after my mother passed away, he left everything to my older sister. There was money involved and everything my parents owned, including many items from my mother’s family. My sister shared nothing with me . . . again, not even a photograph.....


Boo hoo hoo.....
:)


I hate it when people act stupid on purpose. Please don't play dumb.

Nobody disinherits someone else without a reason. That's all there is to it.

It sounds to me like it's pretty simple: You pissed off your father. Your father pissed off your grandfather. Like father like daughter. And why are you whining about photographs? Do you really want a specific photograph? Ask your sister for a copy. She has everything. Surely she won't begrudge you that.

But honestly. You don't want a photograph. You're just trying to act like you've been wounded. When you say photograph, we all know that you're thinking about a certain Miro painting or an Andy Warhol silkscreen you've always had your heart set on....

"Not even a photograph..."

O, please! In German, we would say you were "unverschämt." You're unverschämt!

Just let that be a lesson to you. I don't know who's left in your family, or if you're in line for anything else. But remember to treat those who may be in the position to will you something - treat them with kindness. Especially if it's crucial for your financial survival. It may be humiliating but, that may be the position your in..... Sorry.

In summary, my advice to you is to quit the whining. Realize your mistakes. Know that you haven't been a pleasant person, otherwise your father would have left you in his will. Or perhaps, left you "a photograph." Haha! It sounds like your sister is the one you need to start being nice too, right?

If you choose not to start being more pleasant, then I do have one last thing you can do: Start having copies made of the photographs you'd like to have, that way you won't be disappointed when other relatives leave you nothing..




P.S. Don't forget to buy "Dear Franz" the Book - now available on iTunes! Or, for your little Kindles, you buy them here on Amazon!

IT WAS AN UNPLANNED VACATION!

To all my Readers,

I apologize for being gone for the last several weeks. But you know how it is with me!

You're at a party, and next thing you know you're on private jet to Tunisia! The weather turns out to be wonderful and you end up staying for much longer than intended. In my case it was weeks. I'm not sure. How long was it?

Good thing I felt like going shopping in Paris or else I would still be laying out in the sun!

In any case, I just assumed that my assistant would have the brains to take care of what I wasn't, but unfortunately: that just wasn't the case. At some point they'd quit and I didn't know it it. Is that sickening? And yes - I COULD really use the positive thoughts and prayers from all of you - that I know are coming anyway - just so that MAYBE I can find someone to work for me that isn't completely mentally incapacitated. I don't know anybody who has to go through this except me!

So, in the meantime - I'll be on the search again for a new "helper."

I've never asked for reader help before - but if any of you know of anything to help me out, then I would appreciate it. I've told you before - I thought I've tried every race, color and creed of human - but still, I come up with nothing!

In the meantime, I've employed my cook to help me, since I'm fasting at the moment. He thought he could take vacation and I told him, "Not so fast stupid!" So all of your new and awaiting questions will be answered shortly. The minute we feel like it!

Talk to you all very soon!


P.S. Don't forget to buy "Dear Franz" the Book - now available on iTunes! Or, for your little Kindles, you buy them here on Amazon!

UNWANTED CHILDREN SHOCKED TO FIND OUT!

Dear Franz,

Is it ever right to tell someone that they weren't really wanted?

I know of at least three people who were told their parents would have had an abortion if they'd had the money/the mother wanted to put her head in the oven when she found out she was pregnant/the child was conceived despite birth control and wasn’t wanted. Is this normal?


I can't be certain - but most parents feel this way when they discover that they're about to have children. No child can really say that their mother didn't want to "stick her head in the oven" when she found out that she was pregnant.

Finding out that one is going to have a child can be one of the most devastating experiences a human can have.

For the mother, it means stretching and deforming of the body - sometimes with irreversible results. For the father, it can mean letting go of the majority of his income - a drain on his inheritance that one can never plug.

I can't imagine what that would be like.

My mother told me almost everyday of my life (when I saw her) that she couldn't believe that she'd gotten pregnant. ("I was soooo careful! I was always sooooo careful!! Good God!" ) So I simply grew up thinking that was a normal thing to say - like, "Good Morning" or "Did you sleep well?"

But apparently for other people - this is something that is hard to hear - difficult to grasp.

Why is that? I couldn't tell you. People are weird. And they need to get over it.

But if someone you know is suffering from hearing this for the first time - let them know that it's ok. It's perfectly normal and it's something that all mothers tell their children sometime or another. Some hear it more often that others, but still - we all hear it. Just think of it as normal fact of life and move on! And if that doesn't work - make sure to stress the positive: They're here, they made it - and their mother never did stick her head in the oven. Some people are big on "stressing the positive", so if they are, perhaps you could pander to that need.

NO TIME TO RESCHEDULE BIRTHDAY LUNCH? WHO CARES.

Dear Franz,

A longtime friend celebrated her birthday some weeks ago. I was unable to attend her dinner party, and offered to take her out to dinner another night. The day we planned to go out, she called to cancel because of work. We rescheduled, and once again she canceled day-of because she was not feeling well.

She wants to reschedule yet again, and I do understand that her reasons for canceling were unpleasant and beyond her control. But after three weeks and two cancellations, I've lost the inclination to follow through on the original birthday dinner plan.

Am I still obligated to take her out? If not, how do I tell her that I'd still love to get together, but I won't be treating her to a birthday dinner?


You can't tell her that. But you don't have to go out if you don't want to.

What's the big deal?

Have a gift certificate sent to her. But make sure it's just enough for one person since you won't be there.

If the person is important - why not invite them onboard with you when you set sail? Give them only days notice so that they won't be able to come. But at least you offered the invitation and it's on the record!

MY COUSIN'S WIFE IS REALLY MEAN!

Dear Franz,

Surely your family has endured a seemingly lovely gal who marries in to your family, is embraced and loved, and turns into a psycho raving monster within a year or so of the nuptials?

My cousin’s wife is this person, and her treatment of my aunt (her mother-in-law) is so awful it is painful to watch. Her most recent performance had numerous family members in tears. My aunt puts on a brave front, prays about it, and bites her tongue so she is not denied any more (ridiculously limited) time with her only grandson.

I’d like to approach my cousin with what we witnessed and basically ask him if he hasn’t the spine to keep his wife from treating his mother so badly. Any suggestions on how to phrase it a bit more politely?


O... I would love to see this!

You haven't given any details, so I can't be sure what to really think. Your cousin's wife (I guess you're a close family to care about your cousin's wife) - she may be just what the doctor ordered. Perhaps your cousin is having the time of his life watching this. Have you ever given that a thought? Perhaps his wife is saying things that should have been said for years and years and years! This could be a joy for him - something that you shouldn't want to take away.

One big thing is - you really don't know how your aunt treated her family in private - so minding your own business could be another option.

But your cousin's wife seems like a really fun person - why not invite her to lunch and get the gory details yourself? That sounds like a lot more fun then trying to stir things up with your cousin. Make sure to pretend that you're on her side. It may give you a lot of insight to the situation. Perhaps you'll see things from a different point of view.

But be careful if you invite this woman out for lunch! It sounds like she's pretty witty - so be prepared and have some zingers of your own prepared in case she insults you.

In any case - good luck. And have fun learning more about your family!


And don't forget about there's more advice in my eBook - available today on Amazon.com!

JUST SAY "I DON'T" TO MOCK WEDDING

Dear Franz,

My daughter got engaged at Christmas to a military fellow. They were to have a spring 2012 wedding, but chose to elope in May before he deployed.

Now she wants to have a vow renewal ceremony and celebration with all the trimmings. I have no problem with a vow renewal, but I take issue with a wedding gown, bridesmaids, bachelorette/bachelor parties or even bridal showers.

The biggest issue is that she and her husband now live 13 hours from both families. But they want this “event” to take place in their home town where, yes, his Army buddies are, so they can do this “sword” ceremony. This feels like just a big, expensive show for their friends, given that little family can attend. My contention is that if family is truly important, the “event” will take place in her home town, and friends can make the trip. I am losing lots of sleep over this.


Don't lose sleep over it. You're daughter is stupid and tacky, yes. But just don't have anything to do with and act like it isn't happening. If your daughter wants you to be there - make sure you have a vacation planned for the same time. That should take care of that. If you have friends that you think will find out about this tacky event - why not invite them on your vacation? It sounds like a great time to charter a yacht if you don't have one.

And if you're daughter presses you as to why you want nothing to do with it - make sure to tell her about herself. Don't lose sleep. Losing sleep is almost never worth it.

Remember that it's not your opinion or mine that what she wants to do is tacky. It's just a fact. A fact that we can't change. We didn't write the rules!

However. I don't like that you don't have a problem with a "vow renewal."

"Vow renewals" where other people are coerced to attend is the apex of egotism. Nobody cares about that nonsense - nobody but the couple - and they pretend that other people want to take time out of there busy schedules to watch them pamper their egos. I don't care how much champagne is involved - it's dumb! Every night we must chose which party to go to. Why should we go to one where we have to sit through something like that?

It's really trying that people are so egotistical isn't it? It's something that I have to deal with almost everyday - reading these questions. But I'm glad I do it. I'm glad I do my little part to help society. And yes - I do feel like I'm trying to empty the ocean with a tea spoon - but I carry on!

What would you do without me?



Don't forget I have all sorts of advice on love and marriage and weddings and all the stuff! It's my eBook available on Amazon!

WHEN THE TINGLE BECOMES A CHILL

Dear Franz,

My boyfriend of a year and a half went on a three-week trip to Asia with a random group of college students his age. Now that he is home, he is moody, almost depressed and just doesn’t seem to be investing much into our relationship. I can’t believe it because we had an amazing relationship. I know he must miss being on vacation and the people he met, but I just wish I could have my old, loving boyfriend back. Any advice?


Yes I do! Get rid of him before he gets rid of you.

Right now he's in the stage where he doesn't know how to tell you that he wants to break up. Because you see - he was just on a trip where he discovered that there's more to the world than he previously thought. And now, for the first time, he realizes all the possibilities that life presents and he would like to explore them - and he would like to explore other options as well. You represent his old life - the one from which he would like to separate.

But right now, he doesn't feel that he can talk about these things with you. That should be a big sign. Why not read it?

So get your things together and break up with him before he has the chance to humiliate you.

Why not go on your own trip to find yourself like he did? You'll probably realize that he wasn't "all that" to begin with. That should make you feel better!


and P.S. Don't forget that I have more advice on love and romance in my eBook: Dear Franz! Available at Amazon.com!

I WANT A GIRL BABY!

Dear Franz,

I am six months pregnant with my first child and I DESPERATELY want a girl. I’m not sure why, exactly — I have great relationships with my father/brothers/nephews/husband — but the desire is so strong I’m a little concerned. I’ve insisted on not finding out the baby’s gender. I’m claiming I want to be surprised, but really it’s because I’ll be devastated if it’s a boy.

If it is a boy, how do I handle the disappointment and avoid being unfair to an innocent little baby? I’m hoping that once my real-live baby is in front of me, I won’t care what it is. Does this happen?



O my God! Who cares?

Who cares?

I think what's not getting through your head is this: you're about to have a baby. And what's the difference between a girl baby and a boy baby?

Nothing. Only that one gender can projectile urinate on you. They both scream. They both cry. And they both defecate into "diapers" that have to be "changed."

And tell me... How many years do you have to be around the child until boarding school? Six years tops? A long time, yes - but do you have to be around them all the time?

I don't think so. Have you ever heard of vacation?

And I try to put myself in your shoes. What would I do differently with a girl or boy baby?

Not too much...... Actually nothing..

Personally my poodle Lulu - yes, she's a girl. But would I care if she were a boy? Perhaps. Because I like the name Lulu, and it's not a boy's name.

So it IS a boy - then why not try to think of a girl name that could be also be a boy name? Like Chris... Or Frauke?

In either case, you have a 50/50 chance of being upset if you continue with this attitude. So get over it. Move on to the next thought - like that first bottle of Champagne you'll drink as SOON as you hand that thing over to the Wet Nurse!

Isn't that some to look foward too?

And P.S. Look at the photo - can you tell if it's a girl baby or a boy? I can't...


And P.P.S..........For more tips on the rearing of children - buy the ebook! Dear Franz: Tips for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

CAN I MAKE IT UP TO MY CHILDREN?

Dear Franz,

Seventeen years ago I divorced the mother of my four children. After a heated divorce lasting several months, we agreed on things and split up legally. Throughout the proceedings my wife used my children as weapons against me, and I spent the next several years listening to insult after insult from my children, driven from their mother. Under no circumstances will I paint the picture that I was the perfect angel, but I never expected or deserved what I got from them. I've tried everything to get our relationships mended, I've really bended over backwards, but I don't seem to get the response I'd like.


Dear Reader,

Too late!

Seventeen years ago? And YOU divorced the mother of your children? And you admit that you weren't the "perfect angel?" I would have to admit that "not the perfect angel" sounds to me like it would have to mean something worse than we can ever, ever imagine.

And Reader. Children are young and impressionable. It's not hard to win their confidence. They're extremely vulnerable as well. So saying that your ex used your children as a weapon is really a very poor excuse. That just means you didn't even try. Because how difficult is it to win over a child? Not hard. Because if you weren't "the perfect angel," then you have got to remember that just remembering Birthdays and Christmas is not hardly even close to enough. You really have to go nuts on the gifts to make up for whatever it is you did. Apparently you didn't do this. You should have done that from year one, not 17 years later!

Idiot.

So what can you do now? Not much. It was your decision to begin with. But before you move on, try one last thing. Be very frank about your will. Let them know what they'll be missing if they don't want a relationship with you. If that doesn't work, why not find a new hobby or friends with similar interests. There are a million other things you can do on this earth to fill up your remaining years. Find something you enjoy doing! Even those who aren't "perfect angels" deserve that too!


And remember - if you'd like even MORE advice on children, marriage and divorce - don't forget the book: Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg - now available on Amazon.com!

IT'S HERE!

Applause for me!


It's here:

That's right. My new book is available now for YOU, the reader - and it's on Amazon. It's ready for your Kindle or iPad or whatever! Who cares as long as you buy it and learn from it. That's what's important.

My goal now is this: to sell 2,000,000 copies by August 1st!

If everyone tells 1000 friends - then together we'll reach this goal before we know it! Won't that be fun?

I just know it will be. So don't forget to tell your 1000 friends and buy it today! I look forward to hearing your reaction too. My new assistant Ute is already busy getting your letters together for a sequel. But we'll see first... I need to go on a couple of Sleep Cures before I even think about doing that. But I can't ignore your cries for help forever - so... We'll see...

In the meantime! I'll see YOU at Amazon.com!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: AID, Alcohol Ingestive Disorder affects millions

Many of you may not know this, but I do a lot of research in my spare time concerning causes that are interesting to me and my life. For years, many of my friends have been urging me to write on a subject that's been near and dear to our hearts: Namely this is AID: Alcohol Ingestive Disorder.

For centuries now, many people have thought they've been suffering from what is typically and derisively called "A Hangover". Many people have been scrutinized and refused the medical help they've deserved, because they were told that they were "brought it on themselves." "Don't drink so much and you won't get a hangover."

Not true. What we know now, is that many people simply suffer from AID. And do you know what? The scientists tell us that there is no cure for AID. But that's what I'd like to work on. In 2011 it is simply inexcusable that scientists have not come up for a cure for something that effects most of the western world. Does that even make sense? They're busy working on problems in Africa and Eurasia? They need to start looking in their own backyards.

I've been a first hand witness to the devastating effects of AID: I've seen it year after year after year: Someone cancels brunch or doesn't show up to brunch because of AID. It happens every Sunday.

And I've lost some very good friends to AID: They've had to give up drinking all together and subsequently we never see each other again.

Yes there will be cynics who say that such a disease isn't real: it's "pyschosomatic." And sure: many people don't suffer from AID whatsoever, and that's true. My friend Sarah Ferguson can drink all she wants in the evening and start drinking again first thing in the morning, as if she was perfectly fine. Quite often I can do that too. But other times the effects of AID can be debilitating and painful, which is why we need to band together and force our governments and scientists to do something about this! Anything else is unacceptable.

In the coming days, we'll be talking about AID and what we can do about it. Home cures, homeopathic medicine, etc. I'll be rangling up my celebrity friends to help bring awareness to this cause. Together we CAN make a difference!