FERTILITY, STOLEN BABY NAMES

Dear Franz,

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over two years. I feel like my life is in a holding pattern. We’ll be starting IVF soon. Already tried some other high-tech procedures. I can’t plan a vacation or commit to anything long-term outside of work because “soon I might be pregnant.”

After living my life like this for two years, I am getting really tired of it. We really want a child. I’m 35, so I don’t feel like we can take a break. Any advice? This stinks. Oh — also, almost all of my friends are currently expecting their second children. And my brother and sister-in-law gave their child the name we’d always wanted to name ours. How to move past this? Or through it? Or something?


The best advice for you is this: Forget about "having a baby" or whatever - and do something else! Obviously you're not having a good time - why not do something fun?

But if you really can't get past the desire to have a baby - try holding off. Perhaps adopt a child or two when you're older and there's less to do - less to fill your days. Right now, you're in your thirties. It should be the best time of your life. Why do you want to be anchored down?

And if you really, really, really just have to have a baby (i.e. are obsessed) - then why not combine the fertility treatments with a vacation? You are aware that they have doctors in almost every part of the world? From Majorca to Tahiti!

And about your relative stealing your baby name. Don't worry about it. If you ever do have that baby - just use the name anyway. But make sure to spread the word that your relatives stole that name from you - and that your child is "the real Winthrop Witherspoon" or whatever.


Make sure to buy the eBook, available on Amazon: Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg! UPDATE: It's soon to be available on iTunes, Sony and Barnes & Noble... I'm not sure what all this means, but if it has meaning to you - make sure to buy it!

UNWANTED CHILDREN SHOCKED TO FIND OUT!

Dear Franz,

Is it ever right to tell someone that they weren't really wanted?

I know of at least three people who were told their parents would have had an abortion if they'd had the money/the mother wanted to put her head in the oven when she found out she was pregnant/the child was conceived despite birth control and wasn’t wanted. Is this normal?


I can't be certain - but most parents feel this way when they discover that they're about to have children. No child can really say that their mother didn't want to "stick her head in the oven" when she found out that she was pregnant.

Finding out that one is going to have a child can be one of the most devastating experiences a human can have.

For the mother, it means stretching and deforming of the body - sometimes with irreversible results. For the father, it can mean letting go of the majority of his income - a drain on his inheritance that one can never plug.

I can't imagine what that would be like.

My mother told me almost everyday of my life (when I saw her) that she couldn't believe that she'd gotten pregnant. ("I was soooo careful! I was always sooooo careful!! Good God!" ) So I simply grew up thinking that was a normal thing to say - like, "Good Morning" or "Did you sleep well?"

But apparently for other people - this is something that is hard to hear - difficult to grasp.

Why is that? I couldn't tell you. People are weird. And they need to get over it.

But if someone you know is suffering from hearing this for the first time - let them know that it's ok. It's perfectly normal and it's something that all mothers tell their children sometime or another. Some hear it more often that others, but still - we all hear it. Just think of it as normal fact of life and move on! And if that doesn't work - make sure to stress the positive: They're here, they made it - and their mother never did stick her head in the oven. Some people are big on "stressing the positive", so if they are, perhaps you could pander to that need.

I WANT A GIRL BABY!

Dear Franz,

I am six months pregnant with my first child and I DESPERATELY want a girl. I’m not sure why, exactly — I have great relationships with my father/brothers/nephews/husband — but the desire is so strong I’m a little concerned. I’ve insisted on not finding out the baby’s gender. I’m claiming I want to be surprised, but really it’s because I’ll be devastated if it’s a boy.

If it is a boy, how do I handle the disappointment and avoid being unfair to an innocent little baby? I’m hoping that once my real-live baby is in front of me, I won’t care what it is. Does this happen?



O my God! Who cares?

Who cares?

I think what's not getting through your head is this: you're about to have a baby. And what's the difference between a girl baby and a boy baby?

Nothing. Only that one gender can projectile urinate on you. They both scream. They both cry. And they both defecate into "diapers" that have to be "changed."

And tell me... How many years do you have to be around the child until boarding school? Six years tops? A long time, yes - but do you have to be around them all the time?

I don't think so. Have you ever heard of vacation?

And I try to put myself in your shoes. What would I do differently with a girl or boy baby?

Not too much...... Actually nothing..

Personally my poodle Lulu - yes, she's a girl. But would I care if she were a boy? Perhaps. Because I like the name Lulu, and it's not a boy's name.

So it IS a boy - then why not try to think of a girl name that could be also be a boy name? Like Chris... Or Frauke?

In either case, you have a 50/50 chance of being upset if you continue with this attitude. So get over it. Move on to the next thought - like that first bottle of Champagne you'll drink as SOON as you hand that thing over to the Wet Nurse!

Isn't that some to look foward too?

And P.S. Look at the photo - can you tell if it's a girl baby or a boy? I can't...


And P.P.S..........For more tips on the rearing of children - buy the ebook! Dear Franz: Tips for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

TEEN MOM

Dear Franz,

Our problem has many layers. Our 16-year-old son fathered a child. At this time, he does not have a relationship with the mother, who is also 16. We encouraged her to give the baby up for adoption but we were unsuccessful. The baby is now 3 months old and we have seen him a few Saturdays in a row for several hours. He seems to be a very good baby and has been no problem.

Here are our many dilemmas: Our son has no interest in parenting (he is not ready), we are in our late forties and not really interested in being new parents again either, the mother would like us to have the baby each weekend from 1 p.m. to 8 p.m. both Saturday and Sunday.

I can already feel resentment building. My husband and I don’t want to spend our entire weekend caring for a child. I need to unwind and get things done around the house and we are enjoying some freedom with a son who is almost an adult.

I know it is not the baby’s fault and I am not frustrated with him. My son obviously made an error in judgment and we are all paying the price. I feel like I probably can handle one day a week and we are trying to set a good example for our son by being responsible. We feel that our son eventually needs to step up and be a father to this child, but I am concerned that if we force him to take care of his son, then he will resent his child.

What do you think? Should we continue to care for our grandchild on the weekends, or is this something our son needs to do? — Grandma too early


Dear Grandma,

Your problem does have many layers!

1. You failed at parenting when your teenager impregnated another teenager.
2. Your son is now failing at parenting.
3. The girl had the baby - major fail.

What a mess! There were so many missed opportunities to sweep this problem under the rug, and now nobody knows what to do... That's fantastic.

What is wrong with you people? And what do you mean "encouraged" adoption?

You just simply encouraged it? Are the words "force" or "trick" not part of your vocabulary?

The fact that your son knocked a girl up is partially your fault. That's all there is to it. You messed up your own life. Now your weekends are ruined and there's this baby to deal with.

If you really want to keep your weekends free, this is what I recommend:

Ask the other family how much they want. Most likely, that's what they've been after this entire time. Tell them it has to be a lump sum - no payments! Get it over with. Make it legal. With this lump sum, you're out of the picture completely - and they take care of everything. Make sure that baby doesn't have your child's name either - otherwise there's no point.

After that's over and all ties are severed - make absolutely sure you send your son to some kind of detention center or military school for as long as he's allowed to be there. He's an idiot and deserves to be punished - and severely. The teen mom and her family are also in need of severe, severe punishment - but there's nothing you can do about that, unfortunately. (It's a shame, I know.)

And after that - then you can relax. Pretend it never happened. That's the only thing you can do to get on with your life.....


Remember that if you ever find yourself responsible for children - you can find fantastic childcare advice in my book - Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

Mother Hurt Over Belated Pregnancy Announcement

This one made me laugh! I hope it does you too!



Dear Franz,

My daughter showed up at my house, for a planned visit, six months pregnant. She had not breathed a word of it even though she and I talk several times a week. She is 31 with a lovely husband and a good career, so I would have been nothing short of thrilled to share in the joy of expecting my first grandchild. My feelings are terribly hurt that she kept it secret almost till the end. Am I being too sensitive here? And how do I handle the fact that we apparently aren't as close as I believed we were?

Dear Reader,

I can think of many reasons why your daughter didn't tell you. The first one that comes to mind is that she was probably going to have an abortion and either didn't get around to it, or decided not to. The second thing that comes to mind is that she didn't know she was pregnant. Some people don't show until late in pregnancy. I had to think hard for a third reason, and I guess it could've slipped her mind when she was talking to you. OR she was depressed about it and didn't want to talk about it, which is very understandable considering what her body will be going through (it can take YEARS to get one's figure back).

In any case, I would not give it a second thought. I once had a lady friend who carried a child to term: I knew about the pregnancy the entire time, and that's all she talked about. Be happy you weren't me! She talked about being sick, then it was that the baby was kicking (who cares) and then it was baby names! Just a pick a name! So at this point you only have three months of hearing about this mess. Or not! It seems to me like your daughter doesn't like opening up to you, so there's a big chance that you won't have to hear about any of it. I wouldn't be surprised if you heard about the birth from a postal "birth announcement". So yes, if you haven't heard anything about it from your daughter in three months - don't forget to open your mail around that time: it may be the news your looking for.