UNWANTED CHILDREN SHOCKED TO FIND OUT!

Dear Franz,

Is it ever right to tell someone that they weren't really wanted?

I know of at least three people who were told their parents would have had an abortion if they'd had the money/the mother wanted to put her head in the oven when she found out she was pregnant/the child was conceived despite birth control and wasn’t wanted. Is this normal?


I can't be certain - but most parents feel this way when they discover that they're about to have children. No child can really say that their mother didn't want to "stick her head in the oven" when she found out that she was pregnant.

Finding out that one is going to have a child can be one of the most devastating experiences a human can have.

For the mother, it means stretching and deforming of the body - sometimes with irreversible results. For the father, it can mean letting go of the majority of his income - a drain on his inheritance that one can never plug.

I can't imagine what that would be like.

My mother told me almost everyday of my life (when I saw her) that she couldn't believe that she'd gotten pregnant. ("I was soooo careful! I was always sooooo careful!! Good God!" ) So I simply grew up thinking that was a normal thing to say - like, "Good Morning" or "Did you sleep well?"

But apparently for other people - this is something that is hard to hear - difficult to grasp.

Why is that? I couldn't tell you. People are weird. And they need to get over it.

But if someone you know is suffering from hearing this for the first time - let them know that it's ok. It's perfectly normal and it's something that all mothers tell their children sometime or another. Some hear it more often that others, but still - we all hear it. Just think of it as normal fact of life and move on! And if that doesn't work - make sure to stress the positive: They're here, they made it - and their mother never did stick her head in the oven. Some people are big on "stressing the positive", so if they are, perhaps you could pander to that need.

JUST SAY "I DON'T" TO MOCK WEDDING

Dear Franz,

My daughter got engaged at Christmas to a military fellow. They were to have a spring 2012 wedding, but chose to elope in May before he deployed.

Now she wants to have a vow renewal ceremony and celebration with all the trimmings. I have no problem with a vow renewal, but I take issue with a wedding gown, bridesmaids, bachelorette/bachelor parties or even bridal showers.

The biggest issue is that she and her husband now live 13 hours from both families. But they want this “event” to take place in their home town where, yes, his Army buddies are, so they can do this “sword” ceremony. This feels like just a big, expensive show for their friends, given that little family can attend. My contention is that if family is truly important, the “event” will take place in her home town, and friends can make the trip. I am losing lots of sleep over this.


Don't lose sleep over it. You're daughter is stupid and tacky, yes. But just don't have anything to do with and act like it isn't happening. If your daughter wants you to be there - make sure you have a vacation planned for the same time. That should take care of that. If you have friends that you think will find out about this tacky event - why not invite them on your vacation? It sounds like a great time to charter a yacht if you don't have one.

And if you're daughter presses you as to why you want nothing to do with it - make sure to tell her about herself. Don't lose sleep. Losing sleep is almost never worth it.

Remember that it's not your opinion or mine that what she wants to do is tacky. It's just a fact. A fact that we can't change. We didn't write the rules!

However. I don't like that you don't have a problem with a "vow renewal."

"Vow renewals" where other people are coerced to attend is the apex of egotism. Nobody cares about that nonsense - nobody but the couple - and they pretend that other people want to take time out of there busy schedules to watch them pamper their egos. I don't care how much champagne is involved - it's dumb! Every night we must chose which party to go to. Why should we go to one where we have to sit through something like that?

It's really trying that people are so egotistical isn't it? It's something that I have to deal with almost everyday - reading these questions. But I'm glad I do it. I'm glad I do my little part to help society. And yes - I do feel like I'm trying to empty the ocean with a tea spoon - but I carry on!

What would you do without me?



Don't forget I have all sorts of advice on love and marriage and weddings and all the stuff! It's my eBook available on Amazon!

WHEN IS THE DOG THE SAME AS A BABY??

Dear Franz,

What should be done about someone who insists on referring to a dog as a person/child/baby when it is done without any indication that it’s a joke? This person is fully aware that other people are expecting actual, real children, and don’t like the equivalency the dog person is creating. Grin and bear it, or say, “Please stop equating your dog with this baby”?


I don't like your attitude.

But the answer is this: Yes.

You would think that it would depend on the dog. You would think that not everyone can claim "child status" for their pooch - but if they're anything like my little Lulu, then you wouldn't think twice.

You probably know this, but it bares repeating: Lulu is a direct descendant of King of Tangiers - Queen Margrethe of Denmark's champion miniature poodle. Lulu is the only surviving member of the family, and I haven't decided if I'm going to breed her or not - so yes. She's quite important! More important than many children - so one can definitely call her my baby! I would imagine that she's insured more than most children as well.

Can you imagine if something would happen to her?

I sure can't.

But I admit not everyone has a Lulu. Or access to such lineage.

What about people with mutts? Like from a pound. I would say - yes. Call them whatever you would like. Your babies, children - your poopoowiiwiimiimii...Whatever! They're yours.

People with ugly children still refer to THEIR children as "babies" or "kids." I've seen it plenty of times. I've been introduced to people's children and I've thought, "How on earth do you admit that!?" And they do!!! :).... Me personally, I would say that I'm doing charity work or something! Am I alone in that? (I doubt it.)

So let's celebrate our little babies! Be proud of them! Especially if they're of champion lineage. If not - be just a little more held back.

I WANT A GIRL BABY!

Dear Franz,

I am six months pregnant with my first child and I DESPERATELY want a girl. I’m not sure why, exactly — I have great relationships with my father/brothers/nephews/husband — but the desire is so strong I’m a little concerned. I’ve insisted on not finding out the baby’s gender. I’m claiming I want to be surprised, but really it’s because I’ll be devastated if it’s a boy.

If it is a boy, how do I handle the disappointment and avoid being unfair to an innocent little baby? I’m hoping that once my real-live baby is in front of me, I won’t care what it is. Does this happen?



O my God! Who cares?

Who cares?

I think what's not getting through your head is this: you're about to have a baby. And what's the difference between a girl baby and a boy baby?

Nothing. Only that one gender can projectile urinate on you. They both scream. They both cry. And they both defecate into "diapers" that have to be "changed."

And tell me... How many years do you have to be around the child until boarding school? Six years tops? A long time, yes - but do you have to be around them all the time?

I don't think so. Have you ever heard of vacation?

And I try to put myself in your shoes. What would I do differently with a girl or boy baby?

Not too much...... Actually nothing..

Personally my poodle Lulu - yes, she's a girl. But would I care if she were a boy? Perhaps. Because I like the name Lulu, and it's not a boy's name.

So it IS a boy - then why not try to think of a girl name that could be also be a boy name? Like Chris... Or Frauke?

In either case, you have a 50/50 chance of being upset if you continue with this attitude. So get over it. Move on to the next thought - like that first bottle of Champagne you'll drink as SOON as you hand that thing over to the Wet Nurse!

Isn't that some to look foward too?

And P.S. Look at the photo - can you tell if it's a girl baby or a boy? I can't...


And P.P.S..........For more tips on the rearing of children - buy the ebook! Dear Franz: Tips for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

TEEN MOM

Dear Franz,

Our problem has many layers. Our 16-year-old son fathered a child. At this time, he does not have a relationship with the mother, who is also 16. We encouraged her to give the baby up for adoption but we were unsuccessful. The baby is now 3 months old and we have seen him a few Saturdays in a row for several hours. He seems to be a very good baby and has been no problem.

Here are our many dilemmas: Our son has no interest in parenting (he is not ready), we are in our late forties and not really interested in being new parents again either, the mother would like us to have the baby each weekend from 1 p.m. to 8 p.m. both Saturday and Sunday.

I can already feel resentment building. My husband and I don’t want to spend our entire weekend caring for a child. I need to unwind and get things done around the house and we are enjoying some freedom with a son who is almost an adult.

I know it is not the baby’s fault and I am not frustrated with him. My son obviously made an error in judgment and we are all paying the price. I feel like I probably can handle one day a week and we are trying to set a good example for our son by being responsible. We feel that our son eventually needs to step up and be a father to this child, but I am concerned that if we force him to take care of his son, then he will resent his child.

What do you think? Should we continue to care for our grandchild on the weekends, or is this something our son needs to do? — Grandma too early


Dear Grandma,

Your problem does have many layers!

1. You failed at parenting when your teenager impregnated another teenager.
2. Your son is now failing at parenting.
3. The girl had the baby - major fail.

What a mess! There were so many missed opportunities to sweep this problem under the rug, and now nobody knows what to do... That's fantastic.

What is wrong with you people? And what do you mean "encouraged" adoption?

You just simply encouraged it? Are the words "force" or "trick" not part of your vocabulary?

The fact that your son knocked a girl up is partially your fault. That's all there is to it. You messed up your own life. Now your weekends are ruined and there's this baby to deal with.

If you really want to keep your weekends free, this is what I recommend:

Ask the other family how much they want. Most likely, that's what they've been after this entire time. Tell them it has to be a lump sum - no payments! Get it over with. Make it legal. With this lump sum, you're out of the picture completely - and they take care of everything. Make sure that baby doesn't have your child's name either - otherwise there's no point.

After that's over and all ties are severed - make absolutely sure you send your son to some kind of detention center or military school for as long as he's allowed to be there. He's an idiot and deserves to be punished - and severely. The teen mom and her family are also in need of severe, severe punishment - but there's nothing you can do about that, unfortunately. (It's a shame, I know.)

And after that - then you can relax. Pretend it never happened. That's the only thing you can do to get on with your life.....


Remember that if you ever find yourself responsible for children - you can find fantastic childcare advice in my book - Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg!

CAN I MAKE IT UP TO MY CHILDREN?

Dear Franz,

Seventeen years ago I divorced the mother of my four children. After a heated divorce lasting several months, we agreed on things and split up legally. Throughout the proceedings my wife used my children as weapons against me, and I spent the next several years listening to insult after insult from my children, driven from their mother. Under no circumstances will I paint the picture that I was the perfect angel, but I never expected or deserved what I got from them. I've tried everything to get our relationships mended, I've really bended over backwards, but I don't seem to get the response I'd like.


Dear Reader,

Too late!

Seventeen years ago? And YOU divorced the mother of your children? And you admit that you weren't the "perfect angel?" I would have to admit that "not the perfect angel" sounds to me like it would have to mean something worse than we can ever, ever imagine.

And Reader. Children are young and impressionable. It's not hard to win their confidence. They're extremely vulnerable as well. So saying that your ex used your children as a weapon is really a very poor excuse. That just means you didn't even try. Because how difficult is it to win over a child? Not hard. Because if you weren't "the perfect angel," then you have got to remember that just remembering Birthdays and Christmas is not hardly even close to enough. You really have to go nuts on the gifts to make up for whatever it is you did. Apparently you didn't do this. You should have done that from year one, not 17 years later!

Idiot.

So what can you do now? Not much. It was your decision to begin with. But before you move on, try one last thing. Be very frank about your will. Let them know what they'll be missing if they don't want a relationship with you. If that doesn't work, why not find a new hobby or friends with similar interests. There are a million other things you can do on this earth to fill up your remaining years. Find something you enjoy doing! Even those who aren't "perfect angels" deserve that too!


And remember - if you'd like even MORE advice on children, marriage and divorce - don't forget the book: Dear Franz, Advice for Everyman from the Duke of Merzenburg - now available on Amazon.com!