THIS WOMAN IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER STEPSON!!

Dear Franz,

I married “Raymond” in 2004.I met his son, “Bill,”a year before the wedding and have been in a relationship with him ever since. (He’s married.)

Raymond provides all the necessities —house, car, food, clothes, etc. But Bill supports me emotionally.

I have learned that marriages dissolve for one of two reasons: money or sex. The money is there, but Raymond and I are no longer romantic.

Am I walking into a ring of fire by keeping the relationship with Bill? Ray says he loves me and cares about me, but only when I ask how he feels about me. With Bill, I don’t have to ask—he says it.


Are you walking into a ring of fire??! Is that a serious question?

You're a filthy whore who already has her place in hell secured. Believe me. You'll definitely be in that ring of fire for all eternity - simply for grossing out me and all my readers.

Reading your letter gave me the creeps - to put it mildly, so I can't imagine what your husband will go through when he finds out. And he will! It really doesn't matter that Bill says he loves you. What's important is is that you're a whore and a slut who is really going to have be put through the ringer when everyone finds out about this. And let me tell you - "Bill's" love will not provide you any comfort when people are shouting out "whore" "skank" and "slut" as you walk through Wal-mart.

You will rue the day you got yourself in this mess.

So what's the solution?

First of all - do NOT kill either of them. It will just make things worse, and you'll end up in prison. Though you should be in some kind of prison right now. I know what's on your mind right now - and since you have no morals, I have to warn you - don't do it!

Second - divorce "Raymond QUIETLY as possible.
Third - end it with Bill. Not third, but immediately.
Fourth - immediately find a new husband to associate yourself with someone else. As soon as possible.
Finally - deny everything that happened. Until the day you die. At least it gives you the appearance of a little shame.

Ugh...

Ewww!!

NO MORE HUGS!

Dear Franz,

I adore my husband and our two young children, but I am at a loss as to how to see my husband’s love and affection as anything other than yet another demand for my time and energy. He is loving, affectionate, kind, passionate but when he comes to give me a hug or anything along those lines (whether it’s JUST a hug, or a hopeful lead-in to something else), I think, “Go the hell away and take care of yourself.” What is wrong with me? My head knows he is fabulous in every way.


I wouldn't say that there's anything particularly wrong with you. I imagine, like me - most people are mystified by the act of "hugging." Why do it? Who started such a stupid thing?

Personally, I can't stand it - "hugging." I imagine most people feel like I do. When someone wants to grab you and put their arms around you, who likes that? It's like being strangled or suffocated. You just want to scream and gasp for air!

Nobody likes that! Am I right?

But in your case, it may be different. Since you are complaining about "hugs" from your husband and not your children - it may be your husband who's suffocating you figuratively. And when he moves in with his big arms like a giant octopus - it reminds me you of how he represses you and tries to suffocate your hopes and your dreams.

Can I be on the right path?

You may be in the midst of a power struggle at the moment - and you may be losing! Try to gain some ground, if you can. Find his weak spots and expose them. It would be better for you if your husband was the one who feared your advancing claw arms - and not the other way around.

In the meantime, have a talk with him. Tell him how hugging disturbs you. Make sure he knows that you're not alone and that most people can't stand that nonsense. If we, as a society want to see an end to people grabbing and suffocating each other - then we need to start in our homes.




P.S. Don't forget to buy "Dear Franz" the Book - now available on iTunes! Or, for your little Kindles, you buy them here on Amazon!

MY COUSIN'S WIFE IS REALLY MEAN!

Dear Franz,

Surely your family has endured a seemingly lovely gal who marries in to your family, is embraced and loved, and turns into a psycho raving monster within a year or so of the nuptials?

My cousin’s wife is this person, and her treatment of my aunt (her mother-in-law) is so awful it is painful to watch. Her most recent performance had numerous family members in tears. My aunt puts on a brave front, prays about it, and bites her tongue so she is not denied any more (ridiculously limited) time with her only grandson.

I’d like to approach my cousin with what we witnessed and basically ask him if he hasn’t the spine to keep his wife from treating his mother so badly. Any suggestions on how to phrase it a bit more politely?


O... I would love to see this!

You haven't given any details, so I can't be sure what to really think. Your cousin's wife (I guess you're a close family to care about your cousin's wife) - she may be just what the doctor ordered. Perhaps your cousin is having the time of his life watching this. Have you ever given that a thought? Perhaps his wife is saying things that should have been said for years and years and years! This could be a joy for him - something that you shouldn't want to take away.

One big thing is - you really don't know how your aunt treated her family in private - so minding your own business could be another option.

But your cousin's wife seems like a really fun person - why not invite her to lunch and get the gory details yourself? That sounds like a lot more fun then trying to stir things up with your cousin. Make sure to pretend that you're on her side. It may give you a lot of insight to the situation. Perhaps you'll see things from a different point of view.

But be careful if you invite this woman out for lunch! It sounds like she's pretty witty - so be prepared and have some zingers of your own prepared in case she insults you.

In any case - good luck. And have fun learning more about your family!


And don't forget about there's more advice in my eBook - available today on Amazon.com!

WHEN THE TINGLE BECOMES A CHILL

Dear Franz,

My boyfriend of a year and a half went on a three-week trip to Asia with a random group of college students his age. Now that he is home, he is moody, almost depressed and just doesn’t seem to be investing much into our relationship. I can’t believe it because we had an amazing relationship. I know he must miss being on vacation and the people he met, but I just wish I could have my old, loving boyfriend back. Any advice?


Yes I do! Get rid of him before he gets rid of you.

Right now he's in the stage where he doesn't know how to tell you that he wants to break up. Because you see - he was just on a trip where he discovered that there's more to the world than he previously thought. And now, for the first time, he realizes all the possibilities that life presents and he would like to explore them - and he would like to explore other options as well. You represent his old life - the one from which he would like to separate.

But right now, he doesn't feel that he can talk about these things with you. That should be a big sign. Why not read it?

So get your things together and break up with him before he has the chance to humiliate you.

Why not go on your own trip to find yourself like he did? You'll probably realize that he wasn't "all that" to begin with. That should make you feel better!


and P.S. Don't forget that I have more advice on love and romance in my eBook: Dear Franz! Available at Amazon.com!

"Polyamorous" or Just Plain Skanky?

Dear Franz,

I have several friends who are in open or polyamorous relationships. Because I’m happy for their happiness together, I would like to make sure that I’m not excluding or slighting any of the partners.

If I am sending them an invitation to a gathering, how on earth do I address it? “Mr. and Mrs. Jane Doe and Ms. Lily Smith”? “The Doe and Smith Family”? “John and Jane Doe and Lily Smith”? I have asked friends in the poly community how they handle this, and they say, “Just call them up and invite them!” which is not, perhaps, the most helpful of answers, though it is well-meaning.

Also, how do I introduce a poly-amorous group socially? Do legally married partners have status over second partners, meriting first introduction, or do I simply say, “Ms. Jones, these are my friends, the Does” and leave Ms. Jones to establish how they interrelate? I don’t want to draw overmuch attention to the fact that one couple is legally married and the other is “just” secondary. (This is insulting in polyamorous circles.)


Dear Reader,

I love how you act like that this is a normal etiquette question. You honestly need to know that no one is concerned with insulting "polyamorous circles." That's really, really funny!

The world has gotten out of hand. Did you know that "polyamorous", like the word "bisexual", just means "slut"? Well, in fact, it does! I don't know anyone in the "poly community", but I know plenty of partnered couples having sordid affairs and the primary partner knows full well about it. However, that doesn't mean that they all want to be addressed on the same envelope. Try not to embarrass people in this way. That is, if you like them. If you don't like them, it would be a fantastic way to publicly put them in their place.

Throughout history, this sort of thing was handled by buying the mistress or secondary partner (face it that's what they are) a residence somewhere else. Have you ever been to Chenonceau? The one time residence of Diane de Poitiers? I was just there again for a reception: it's beautiful. I guess that would be one way of solving your problem of how to address envelopes.

But here's where the importance lies: Do whatever you want, with whomever you want, but in most cases we don't care to keep track of overcomplicated affaires. We do, but to legitimize this would take every single little bit of fun out of talking about it at parties, or even on the telephone. If the subject of your complicated household ever comes up, you must convey icy cold ignorance; everyone will respect you for it.

And about your use of the word "poly". Did you know that trying to come up with a fancy word for "slut" or "concubine" does not fool anyone? In fact, you are insulting everyone by trying to fool them. Did you know that deliberately trying to fool someone is rude? Do you know that rudeness is a sin? In fact, it is. Hold the line!

And finally I thank you for introducing me to the term, "how someone inter-relates" in place of coition. This is English I didn't know! I will absolutely use it at the next opportunity. In fact, I think I heard that Isabelle Huppert has interrelated with her personal trainer last week. Did you know that?

TRY NOT TO HAVE AFFAIRES

Dear Franz,

I have a friend who in the past had affairs with married men. She has said she regretted it and has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations. But now, she's attempting to begin another relationship with a married man. I just want to tell her to stop being the train wreck, but don't know if it's my business.

Dear Reader,

You said that she "has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations". I think anybody will say that's really what the problem is: getting caught. Yes, technically they are wrong. People need to mind their own business as to who has affairs with whom. There are conditions, however:

1. No children may be produced.
2. No venereal diseases may be exchanged.
3. All correspondence must be destroyed or deleted immediately. Unless they are love letters. Those one can keep in a SAFE PLACE.
4. Never make a recording of the sex act. People always find them, and besides that - EVERYONE looks ludicrous in those positions.
5. Always be on the lookout for private detectives. If you feel that someone is becoming suspicious, then employ your own private detective. One that your family knows and trusts. And like everything else, you get what you pay for.

So give this advice to your friend. Tell her to post it on her refrigerator. And tell her that you don't want to know about it. And that no one wants to know about it. Unless you want to know about it. In which case, it is knowledge. And knowledge is power. And sometimes this type of knowledge is so most deliciously powerful that you can't believe it.

DON'T TELL OTHERS ABOUT LONELINESS

Dear Franz,

I joined an online dating site on a lark to get over a really sad breakup. Eventually I met “Mark,” who truly seems great, and we have been e-mailing back and forth . . . for a little over a month. I’ve thrown him every possible hint that he should go ahead and ASK ME OUT ALREADY, but he’s not pulling the trigger.

The reason I’m not doing it for him is twofold: First, I like for the guy to take charge, and second, Mark’s profile specifically says he’s into chivalry and loves to surprise women with thoughtful plans. What should I say to move things along that doesn’t sound confrontational?


Dear Reader,

Oh my God. First of all, I can't ever in a million years imagine joining an online dating site! Do you ever try going to parties or to balls or to openings? Do your alive-friends know anyone that they could set you up with? I'm just asking - because that way you wouldn't have to advertise yourself on an internet website. You poor thing. And then to think you've been waiting for a month for someone online (who could be a serial killer) to ask you out? Good Lord.

Your letter moved me when it was read to me this morning while I was getting the most wonderful hot stone message. It was for this reason I asked my assistant to do some research on loneliness and online dating websites. Did you know that it is a multi billion euro industry? I didn't know this! And it made me so sad to hear: that's why I'm dictating this answer.

And the answer is this, dear Reader: please forget about this mystery man. Like I said, he could be a serial killer, or worse, have a venereal disease. It happens. Go to a party. Or better yet throw a party or a ball yourself. Get the word out to friends that you are single. And not lonely! Don't even tell your friends (if you have them), because they could tell other people about your loneliness and that could be a deterrent.

And make sure to get your name off that website. I am told that several of these dating websites are for sex only. If people find out you're on a dating website, they make think of that as a euphemism for offering up 'freebies'. (Or whatever the kids call it nowadays)

And finally Reader, keep me posted if you're ever asked on a date, I would love to know about it. I could give you some advice on how to keep him interested!