TRY NOT TO HAVE AFFAIRES

Dear Franz,

I have a friend who in the past had affairs with married men. She has said she regretted it and has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations. But now, she's attempting to begin another relationship with a married man. I just want to tell her to stop being the train wreck, but don't know if it's my business.

Dear Reader,

You said that she "has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations". I think anybody will say that's really what the problem is: getting caught. Yes, technically they are wrong. People need to mind their own business as to who has affairs with whom. There are conditions, however:

1. No children may be produced.
2. No venereal diseases may be exchanged.
3. All correspondence must be destroyed or deleted immediately. Unless they are love letters. Those one can keep in a SAFE PLACE.
4. Never make a recording of the sex act. People always find them, and besides that - EVERYONE looks ludicrous in those positions.
5. Always be on the lookout for private detectives. If you feel that someone is becoming suspicious, then employ your own private detective. One that your family knows and trusts. And like everything else, you get what you pay for.

So give this advice to your friend. Tell her to post it on her refrigerator. And tell her that you don't want to know about it. And that no one wants to know about it. Unless you want to know about it. In which case, it is knowledge. And knowledge is power. And sometimes this type of knowledge is so most deliciously powerful that you can't believe it.