TRY NOT TO HAVE AFFAIRES

Dear Franz,

I have a friend who in the past had affairs with married men. She has said she regretted it and has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations. But now, she's attempting to begin another relationship with a married man. I just want to tell her to stop being the train wreck, but don't know if it's my business.

Dear Reader,

You said that she "has expressed disgust with those in her life who've actually been caught in such situations". I think anybody will say that's really what the problem is: getting caught. Yes, technically they are wrong. People need to mind their own business as to who has affairs with whom. There are conditions, however:

1. No children may be produced.
2. No venereal diseases may be exchanged.
3. All correspondence must be destroyed or deleted immediately. Unless they are love letters. Those one can keep in a SAFE PLACE.
4. Never make a recording of the sex act. People always find them, and besides that - EVERYONE looks ludicrous in those positions.
5. Always be on the lookout for private detectives. If you feel that someone is becoming suspicious, then employ your own private detective. One that your family knows and trusts. And like everything else, you get what you pay for.

So give this advice to your friend. Tell her to post it on her refrigerator. And tell her that you don't want to know about it. And that no one wants to know about it. Unless you want to know about it. In which case, it is knowledge. And knowledge is power. And sometimes this type of knowledge is so most deliciously powerful that you can't believe it.

I Have a New Assistant!

Dear Reader,

I just mentioned my assistant in my previous bit of advice. I may or may not have mentioned the number of assistants that I've had in the last (I don't know how many) few years. I have tried every race, sex and religion - and I tell you: I sure get the losers from everywhere! Yes, I may have high standards that may be "difficult", but I think those high standards are really my hallmark. Someone said that I should write a book on all of the assistants I've had, and I thought "yes!". My stories are always a hit at parties. I had the Human Resources pulled on every one of them to start the research process. And then I realized: I didn't remember anything about any one them! I couldn't put the names with the faces. Except the Chinese boy and the African-American woman. I usually try to come up with my own names for them anyway - and those weren't in the files. I think I called the black woman Mahogany and the Chinese Boy, Pierre. Oh, how people would laugh when I'd introduce him! Good times.....

But I did want to give a "shout out" to my new assistant that I've named "Gretl". We seem to be getting along fine I think. Now that she's quicker to respond to her new name. She went to college for something, she knows all the computer programs and we can speak German together in front of other people don't. She's quite homely, which is good; since I like her so far, I don't want her running off and getting married anytime soon! So readers, wish me luck with this one. And maybe I could use some advice myself on how to keep an assistant! (Just kidding - don't send - won't read!)

And Gretl, when you are finished correcting this you can fix yourself a Dr. Pepper or something. I'll need your help getting out of the sauna. Listen for the buzzer, and I'd like a Campari with soda when I get out. (Don't include this).

DON'T TELL OTHERS ABOUT LONELINESS

Dear Franz,

I joined an online dating site on a lark to get over a really sad breakup. Eventually I met “Mark,” who truly seems great, and we have been e-mailing back and forth . . . for a little over a month. I’ve thrown him every possible hint that he should go ahead and ASK ME OUT ALREADY, but he’s not pulling the trigger.

The reason I’m not doing it for him is twofold: First, I like for the guy to take charge, and second, Mark’s profile specifically says he’s into chivalry and loves to surprise women with thoughtful plans. What should I say to move things along that doesn’t sound confrontational?


Dear Reader,

Oh my God. First of all, I can't ever in a million years imagine joining an online dating site! Do you ever try going to parties or to balls or to openings? Do your alive-friends know anyone that they could set you up with? I'm just asking - because that way you wouldn't have to advertise yourself on an internet website. You poor thing. And then to think you've been waiting for a month for someone online (who could be a serial killer) to ask you out? Good Lord.

Your letter moved me when it was read to me this morning while I was getting the most wonderful hot stone message. It was for this reason I asked my assistant to do some research on loneliness and online dating websites. Did you know that it is a multi billion euro industry? I didn't know this! And it made me so sad to hear: that's why I'm dictating this answer.

And the answer is this, dear Reader: please forget about this mystery man. Like I said, he could be a serial killer, or worse, have a venereal disease. It happens. Go to a party. Or better yet throw a party or a ball yourself. Get the word out to friends that you are single. And not lonely! Don't even tell your friends (if you have them), because they could tell other people about your loneliness and that could be a deterrent.

And make sure to get your name off that website. I am told that several of these dating websites are for sex only. If people find out you're on a dating website, they make think of that as a euphemism for offering up 'freebies'. (Or whatever the kids call it nowadays)

And finally Reader, keep me posted if you're ever asked on a date, I would love to know about it. I could give you some advice on how to keep him interested!

DISGRACED WOMAN MUST BEG FOR FORGIVENESS

Dear Franz,

My friend, "Katherine," had been unhappily married for several years, met a man in a bar and began having a casual affair with him. She was not very discreet about it - carrying condoms in her purse and leaving her BlackBerry out with e-mails from the man on it. Her husband found out and left her.

They are now going through a difficult divorce. Her ex does not want to help her out financially - he has a high-paying job and she makes very little - they have a young son who is having a terrible time dealing with it, and she is literally falling apart. She has always been overly thin, suggesting an eating disorder, and now she is much more so. She is also taking a ton of anti-anxiety medication.

She is heavily leaning on me for help, and I (a) don't know how to help her and (b) have some anger toward her for putting herself in this situation. I told her the affair was a really bad idea and that she could not financially or emotionally afford divorce.

Dear Reader,

If she didn't have a child, she could probably find another man, possibly with an even larger income. But coupled with the fact that she met the man in a bar, it really makes her even more unmarketable. Be that as it may, I have some advice:

1. Beg him to take her back. Even if she doesn't mean it and it's humiliating for her - it's the only thing she can do to save herself financially.
2. Go to spa for a couple of months. That should relieve some of the stress and give the impression that she is trying to get her act together.
3. WHEN they are back together, she needs to better utilise his salary and make sure she makes some investments of her own. (Perhaps she suffers from nymphomania and will start screwing around again - one never knows - cover all bases!)

I think the most important lesson here is the importance of a pre-nuptial agreement. If she would've invested in a good lawyer before the wedding, none of this would be a problem.

But the one silver lining is your friend's dramatic weight loss. Many people gain enormous amounts of weight during times of stress so she should really consider herself lucky. A temporary "pick up" for your friend would be a new wardrobe for her stunningly slim new figure. Assuming they are still married, her husband is still responsible for any debt that accrues, so tell her to spend what she wants - to do something good for herself.

Well.... I consider that another marriage saved. It really is a wonderful feeling to help!

Should I Tell Her She Looks Like a Slut?

Dear Franz,

There is a girl in my office who is very smart and competent but for some reason wears extremely low-cut tops, skin-tight miniskirts and spike heels. This has held her back from other opportunities and she's kind of an office joke. I know her only by sight and wish she had a woman in her life who had a clue and would share said clue with her.

Dear Reader,

As you can imagine, I've never worked in an office. So I'm trying to picture the situation from movies I've seen.

Now that I've done that, I think I have an answer for you. First, it would be flat out rude to tell someone that they look slutty or like a common whore. I think we've all done that; we've all been in the situation where we were forced to call a spade a spade. And sometimes the reaction is not what we would expect either: a drink thrown in one's face or more likely, a scratched face.

First of all I have a question of my own: the office movie that I thought of for reference was Working Girl with Melanie Griffith. Do people still dress like that at the office? I would hope not. I would imagine that I would prefer "skin tight miniskirts" and "spike heels" to those blouses with the big bows on the front of them.. I don't know.

But the point is, that you need to tell someone that they look like a slut, but you don't know how. I'm sure you've thought of telling your superior, but you know what? I think that would come across as 'whiney' and/or 'bitchy'. In fact, the words complain, whine and bitch all mean the same thing. I think the best solution would be to let this person know how you feel anonymously. You could call said person and disguise your voice. Or better yet, write the person a note and place it on her desk (use a printer please! No long hand!). If you don't have access to her desk - you may write it on the restroom mirror or wall. Yes, others will see it, but that way you won't be seen dropping off the note.

I think I've covered all the bases, so good best of luck to you.

Mother Hurt Over Belated Pregnancy Announcement

This one made me laugh! I hope it does you too!



Dear Franz,

My daughter showed up at my house, for a planned visit, six months pregnant. She had not breathed a word of it even though she and I talk several times a week. She is 31 with a lovely husband and a good career, so I would have been nothing short of thrilled to share in the joy of expecting my first grandchild. My feelings are terribly hurt that she kept it secret almost till the end. Am I being too sensitive here? And how do I handle the fact that we apparently aren't as close as I believed we were?

Dear Reader,

I can think of many reasons why your daughter didn't tell you. The first one that comes to mind is that she was probably going to have an abortion and either didn't get around to it, or decided not to. The second thing that comes to mind is that she didn't know she was pregnant. Some people don't show until late in pregnancy. I had to think hard for a third reason, and I guess it could've slipped her mind when she was talking to you. OR she was depressed about it and didn't want to talk about it, which is very understandable considering what her body will be going through (it can take YEARS to get one's figure back).

In any case, I would not give it a second thought. I once had a lady friend who carried a child to term: I knew about the pregnancy the entire time, and that's all she talked about. Be happy you weren't me! She talked about being sick, then it was that the baby was kicking (who cares) and then it was baby names! Just a pick a name! So at this point you only have three months of hearing about this mess. Or not! It seems to me like your daughter doesn't like opening up to you, so there's a big chance that you won't have to hear about any of it. I wouldn't be surprised if you heard about the birth from a postal "birth announcement". So yes, if you haven't heard anything about it from your daughter in three months - don't forget to open your mail around that time: it may be the news your looking for.

This Lenten Season...

I love Lent. In German we call it "Fasting Times" and I look forward to it every year. A chance to begin anew; a chance to cleanse our souls as well as all 1,5 meters of our colons.

I'll get back to your always banal questions, very shortly. But in the meantime, let me tell you where I've been! Not that I have to tell you: I was at Karneval in Rio! For me, (and of course, my sidekicks Donatella and Maxima), that means weeks and weeks of parties to gear ourselves up of six weeks of solemn fasting. I remember almost nothing, and fortunately neither do my friends. Which makes repenting for our "sins" very much easier. What I do remember, I certainly won't tell. Usually I love to tell embarrassing stories about my friends, the crown heads of Europe and Hollywood stars who want to "hang" with us - but this time, I can't think of anything that I wasn't a part of.

But be that as it may, the point here is fasting.

I think we all like Lenten fasting because no one has to admit that they're on diets. It's much easier to refuse invitations and banquets when one can say, "It's Lent, and I can't". No one can argue with you! But the festivities in Lent are few and far between anyhow as most of the party givers are on Cures and are at spas. Which is where I am now, at a spa on the Dead Sea. Apparently things in the Middle East are very dangerous right now, but nobody told me that and I'm already here. You think somebody would've said something. I don't know what's "going on", but there have been power outages.

Moving on, I wanted to say that on behalf of almost everyone that I know, I'd like to thank Prince William of England for planning his wedding so that it lies only days after the Lenten season is over. We all look forward to being there, fresh and glowing from six week of liquid diets and high colonics. Speaking of that, it does almost seem to be a contest ever year - who can loose the most weight during Lent. It's kind of like whoever looses the most weight is the holiest. Last year, Princess Letizia was practically a skeleton, she could hardly walk - yet she seemed to have glow about her: a Halo if you will. I think the Lord really rewarded her. This year, Princess Mary of Denmark says this year it will be her. She says we'll be able to see her "breast plate" at the wedding. Ok. But as Jesus Christ or someone in the Holy Bible said, "seeing is believing".

So to all the hundreds of millions of you (if not billions) reading this right now, I wish you the best of luck on your Lenten vows. Get behind thee Satan!