Infidelity..

Dear Franz,

I had an affair with a married man for about nine months. I broke it off after finally realizing it wasn't going anywhere and he was lying to me about his intentions. Part of me wants him to feel pain for his actions. I want to contact his spouse anonymously and tell him not to trust him. Most of my friends advise against this, while a few tell me to go ahead. What do you think? -

Dear Adulterer,

I love questions about Adultery! Something about them, just brings me to life! First things first. I have to put you in your place:

1. Where did you think that the relationship was going to go? Did you think it would end well?
2. You are the homewrecker.

That being said: There are a MILLION ways you contact his spouse!

Princess Maxima and I have even thought about writing a book about it. She is really good about finding new ways. But let me give you the basics:

1. They never believe you. The first thing you must do is hire a private detective. (that must be the most fun job in the world). Get all the evidence you can. There is NOTHING in the world like seeing a smirk just disappear from someone's face, is there? I think that's one of life's "simple" pleasures.

2. Be cool about it, and have fun! You have to remember that bitterness is never attractive. Just do what you have to do, and take comfort in the fact that you have the upper hand.

3. If the marriage does break up and your lover wants you back, give it some time. You don't want to look desperate. I think desparity is as unattractive as bitterness. And remember: Once a cheater - always a cheater! Keep that private detective on your payroll.

I wish you the best. Viel Glück!

Finally as promised: A Reader's Question...

Dear Franz,
I have a wonderful mother-in-law who raised my wonderful husband. She is an absolute treasure who treats me better than my own mother. She treats my children (her son's step-children) as If they had been her grandchildren all their lives. I would never want to offend or criticize her.

The problem is that she is starting to grow quite a bit of facial hair. I'm certain that she is unaware of the different options that are available for managing this problem that comes with age. Her mother does not appear to have this problem. I've noticed that one of her 2 daughters (both equally as charming as she is) has the same problem and seems to be shaving.

I would never want to embarrass either one of them but would like to find a way to inform them of other options that might be available to them. I was thinking I might invite my sister-in-law, since she lives in the same town as I do, to join me for a "spa afternoon" of facials and pedicures. Surely during the course of the facial, the aesthetician I use will offer her options for facial hair removal. If she is pleased, she will share this information with her mother. What do you think?

Dear Woman,

What if she has no desire to remove it? What if she doesn't go along with your scheme? I think you're very kind to be subtle. But facial hair on woman is no laughing matter. Even if she doesn't feel like it's a problem - we have to look at it.

FBS (Female Beard Syndrome) is a serious, and global problem. It's one that can be fought ONLY if we stand as one against it.

Send her literature from the FBS Global Initiative. Educate her on what we all have to look at. If that doesn't work: Stand her before a mirror and hold her there until she understands. I would think that would work. And when she finally does understand - she can pass that information on to the next "bearded" woman in HER life.

See?

It all starts at home.

P.S. The Donate Your Money Foundation is part of the FBS Initiative. All donations will be received.

While I was sleeping....

Yes two things, that I've been asked while I was sleeping.

1. YES I can't believe it either: I COMPLETELY slept through the wedding of Princess Annemarie Gualtherie van Weezel and Prince Carlos de Bourbon de Parme's nuptials at Brussel's Abbaye de la Cambre!


2. The British Royal Engagement. I already knew about it! Did I not write anything? Well. Sorry. I shouldn't always be the Wikileaks of European Royalty as it is!

So, since I don't have any personal photos from the Belgian Royal Wedding. Princess Maxima of the Netherlands wanted me to post this one of her. I have no idea why - but she asked me to. Get your own website Maxi! Just kidding!

Sleep Cure II

I believe the last time I wrote I said that I couldn't account for the lost time. Well, this time I can.

I have been in bed for weeks! It's been great. A number of factors played in to this decision. Normally when the weather starts to get cold, like everyone else, I go in to a crippling depression until I arrive in Bora Bora. I mean, I know that not everyone goes to Bora Bora when it's cold. Many people go to South America, I know that. However, I thought to myself: Why don't I shake things up a bit, and just stay in bed? Well, I might have done it out of spite too.

I feel like I was the subject of an intervention. But it was just lunch at the Ritz with Donatella Versace and Isabelle Huppert. They both told me that they thought I was becoming addicted to Spas and Cures. Since when was going to a Spa for a month to get your health back, unhealthy? I give up, I thought. Because I was planning on doing this treatment at a new Spa in Bora Bora last month. And I thought - well, you know what? I'm just going to stay here in Paris. And that's what I've done. Except that I'm in Berlin (I just had to look out the window). And that lunch was at the Hotel de Rome, not the Ritz.

But if you hadn't done it before, I would highly recommend it. I kind of did my own "do it yourself" sleep cure - just with my own sleeping pills! I hadn't thought of that before! But one month later, I'd had enough, and decided to get out of bed. That was last week or so. I've still been in bed this last week, but I've to the sitting room to look out the window a couple times. Or rather, that was just a moment ago.

So now I'm ready for the winter! And I'm going to get back to answering all of those questions from you, my dear readers. I know there are millions of you that count on my advice, so I'm not going to let you down. EVERY DAY I will answer your questions. Remember: There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people.

The Sleep Cure

Dear Readers,

I can't account for the lost time, I really cannot.

In September - I closed out the summer season in Mallorca with Princess Letitia, and by that time, I'd about had it. It was just one party after an other, and pretty soon I realized that I needed a rest. Here's how I knew:

There was to be a very schilmm party by Donatella. All her parties are, but this was the "Summer Swan". And I love going to them - usually it's no big deal. I usually find an outfit within a few days. But this time - it took me two solid weeks to find what I was going to wear. And I am talking about all day, every day for two weeks. I stood in front of the mirror for hours and hours on end... I had this sudden fear that I had gained weight. My clothes fit the same, but something was wrong. I prayed to God that perhaps I only had body dysmorphia. The summer party season can be rough with food and wine, but still - I take care of myself and never skimp on at least weekly internal baths.

Long story short - it was the day before the party and I still wasn't sure what I was going to wear. Donatella told me that she wasn't going to send me any more clothes, because she was sure there was something that I could wear. I was being "ridiculous". I didn't know what was wrong. But anyhow, an hour before the party, I was dressed. My car was waiting outside for me, and I should have been ready to go. But I wasn't. Again something was wrong. I finally said, "No. I can't." And I didn't. I didn't go. I just took off my clothes and had my new assistant (who left last week) make me a pitcher of Gin Kir. That's just gin and Kir. Love it.

Well when I finally came to, I realized that I had to call D and give my excuses. I was afraid, as she can turn into a dragon. Anyhow, she refused to take my calls. I knew I had messed it up.

And I thought. I just need a REST. I've been partying non-stop since June (I think), and I haven't had a break!

I looked into the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. My face was bloated from the gin and my eyes were red. That and I was due in TWO DAYS to have lunch with Crown Princess Mary. I couldn't possibly be up for lunch in two days, I thought. I needed to go to a spa for a while, to get my health back. But even that didn't seem all that fun. I didn't feel like it. I'd spent at least two months this year already IN SPAS...Boy, was I in a rut! I didn't know how I was going to get out of it either. I thought for hours on end, and then I remembered.

The sleep cure. How come nobody talks about sleep cures anymore? Rest cures, whatever. That drives me crazy! My mother became addicted to them, but other than that - I don't know why they're not all the rage.

Just in case you don't know, reader. A sleep cure is this: You go to a clinic. And they put you out for two weeks. Just sleep! In the meantime - you get all sorts of treatments - facials, whatever you'd like - and you don't have to put up with all the probing and prodding! In two weeks time - one loses a TREMENDOUS amount of weight, and comes out looking fresh as a daisy - younger than springtime! It's too good to be true.

Well. My assistant took FOREVER finding a doctor that would do it for me. I don't get it. Like I said - why has it gone out? People are idiots.

Anyhow - I went to Romania of all places. Never been before - why would I?

P.S. It was just fantastic. I remember waking up a few times, but it was all just a blur. And I when I woke up - My skin looked fantastic - I'd lost some weight and my eyes were crystal clear. I could see why mother was addicted!

But now I'm ready to get back to life. Ready to face the upcoming Holiday season too! I may go back for one more before it starts. The doctor said they could up the caloric intake in my feeding tube so I didn't get to thin (whatever 'too thin' is).. I may take him up on it.

In the meantime - I'm back to answer your questions and to give some good solid lifestyle and living advice. I couldn't feel or look any better than I do right now.. And even though I didn't answer any of your questions today - consider this a piece of advice: Go on a Sleep Cure! You'll thank me for it. Your bathroom scale will thank me for it too!

Travel Tips!

Since I travel so often - I get asked quite frequently: How do you do it? With air travel so apparently uncomfortable these days, isn't it torture?

Well.. As much as I would like to be beamed to Bora Bora, I just can't.. That is why I've collected a list of my top ten travel MUSTS - to help everybody make their time in the sky a little more comfortable.

1. Don't skimp on First Class. Often enough, the difference between First Class and Steerage is only maybe a few thousand dollars. And have you ever taken a look behind the curtain and seen just how cramped together they keep people? All to save just a little bit of money... Is it worth it? To me it's not.

2. Have your luggage sent a head of time to your destination. There's nothing more annoying than having to wait for it.

3. Bring someone with you to deal with the airline people. Making sure they get it right sometimes can be a hassle. Also, your assistant can carry anything you bring or buy.

4. Always have a car waiting for you when you arrive. I've had to wait for a taxi before - standing in a line! Not fun!

5. Use a private jet whenever you can. It's nice to have a bed now and then. Especially on extra long flights. I never fly commercial to the south pacific - just to avoid the taxi plane to my island destination. I've done it - and it's HELL.

6. When flying commercial - have your needs in writing to the airline staff. Flying private, this is a given. But in commercial, you never know when they try to wake you to ask what you want to eat. You may be dieting/fasting and this questioning can easily be avoided.

7. For sleeplessness, I prefer Lunexor. I'm told it's one of the most powerful sleeping tablets on the market.

10. Finally.. Allow at least two weeks on both legs for Jet Lag. Time differences can really put one out of balance - and everyone should take it easy on you for at least two weeks. Be good to yourself!

By popular request, more body maintenance tips, from Me to you...

"Dear Franz,

You seem to live it up quite a bit - but never take on weight. Do you have any secrets?"


Yes. I've already addressed them, if you would read my..historical files, or whatever you want to call them. My old stuff that I've already written.

But yes, there's more...

Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall! There never seems to be a break when it comes to all night parties and seven course dinners. And who wants to say no? I certainly do not. Who wants to say, "I can't eat this because I need to lose weight."? That's just embarrassing.

I can tell you how to do it the natural way - without powerful drugs.

Really, all one has to do is work a little harder. So say you're at a seven course dinner. Followed by drinks til dawn. Let's say you're an average woman of 99 lbs. or 45 kg. You've eaten and drank approximately 4000 calories over a course of an evening. That means just over three hours of running at ten miles/16 km an hour the next day. In the morning. After consuming sauerkraut and its juices throughout the day (raw) - then repeat your running program. Don't feel satisfied? Try the whole routine again the next day. You'll be all ready to go to that next party two days later.

"But Franz - I have parties like that two, three days in a row sometime. What shall I then do?"

That's easy science. For every day of party - follow it by that many days of running and raw sauerkraut (and its juices)...

It's all about "calories in, calories out"...

Don't forget what I said about try not to eat or drink alone. It saves calories. Eat sauerkraut only for strength..

And if the cleansing effects of the sauerkraut and its juices become to powerful - my choice to stop that just happens to be Afri-Cola. But remember - it's also rich in calories, so take it easy please.

Does that help? I hope it does. Constant parties and dinners that last til dawn, they really work against us. But with a little science to back it up - we can keep things looking GREAT..

P.S. Don't forget this every day tip: Tell your help to add lemon juice to everything - it's a diaretic!

New Recipe!

I told you that I would include recipes dear to my heart...Jazz up your tired old baked brie with this easy recipe!

Pastry-Wrapped Baked Brie with Truffled Crabmeat Filling

Recipe courtesy Franz Herzog von und zu Merkenburg, 2010

Prep Time:

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Inactive Prep Time:

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Cook Time:

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Level:

Easy

Serves:

6 to 8 servings

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 tablespoons clarified white truffle butter
• 2 tablespoons minced shallots
• 1/2 teaspoon minced garlic
• 4 ounces wild mushrooms, stems removed, wiped clean and roughly chopped
• 1 cup lump crabmeat (about 1/3 pound), picked over for cartilage and shells
• 1/4 teaspoon fleur-de-sel
• Pinch cayenne
• 2 tablespoons minced green onions
• 1 tablespoon minced parsley
• 1/2 teaspoon good truffle oil
• 2 ounces goat cheese, crumbled
• 2 sheets frozen puff pastry, preferably homemade
• 1 (1-pound) round Brie cheese
• 1 large egg, beaten with 2 teaspoons water for egg wash
• 1 bunch watercress, tough stems removed, rinsed and spun dry
• Toast points, crackers, or croutons, accompaniment (preferably homemade)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

In a skillet, melt the butter over medium-high heat. Add the shallots and garlic and cook, stirring, until soft and fragrant, 1 to 2 minutes. Add the mushrooms and cook until they give off their liquid and start to color, about 4 minutes. Add the crabmeat, Essence, salt, and cayenne and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add the green onions and parsley and cook for 1 minute. Remove from the heat and stir in the truffle oil. Let cool and fold in the goat cheese. Adjust the seasoning to taste.

Roll out each sheet of pastry slightly, and cut each piece into a round 1-inch larger than the Brie. Using a paring knife, cut several leaves or other decorative shapes from the pastry scraps. Place 1 piece of pastry on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

Cut the Brie in 1/2 horizontally and lay 1 piece in the center of the pastry sheet, cut side up. Spread the cooled crabmeat mixture over the cut Brie and top with the remaining Brie 1/2, gently pushing the 2 halves together.

Paint the edges of the bottom piece of pastry with the egg wash. Top the cheese with the remaining pastry sheet, pinching the edges together to seal. Paint the top pastry lightly with the egg wash, being careful not to let any drip down the sides. Arrange the decorative leaves on top, and lightly paint with egg wash. Bake until the pastry is puffed and golden brown, about 20 minutes. Remove from the oven.

Line a platter with the watercress and place the baked brie on top. Let sit for 5 minutes. Surround with toast points and serve.

Shopping for Toiletries!!

Dear People,

Berlin.

My first day without help, I found myself in the most humiliating situation imaginable: In the bathroom without toilet paper.

Yes. Now I am divulging my deepest secrets.

I won't go into details, but I found myself without any help. I screamed, and no one was there. I won't go into how I got out of this situation, but I did. So I took stock of what I needed for the bathroom and decided that I needed to go shopping immediately.

In a droggerie I found myself. And with luck I immediately found the toilet paper. I thought - ok. I will just buy that. One thing at a time. And toothpaste. I can manage toothpaste.

So I picked up a giant pack of toilet paper. I didn't know what brand I should purchase. There were many - I was just hoping that it was a quality product. It was covered in plastic wrap, therefore I couldn't feel it.

Anyhow. With my "toilet paper" in hand.... I hate that phrase. Even "bathroom tissue" implies what its use is. But with toilet paper in hand, I walked to the cash register. I started to hyperventilate. For some reason I just thought that everyone was looking at me and what I was about to buy. People buy toilet paper for only one reason - and no one should really be confronted with that reason. "Oh look, what he's about to do!"

I thought to myself: Ok. People buy this everyday, I'm sure. It's a necessity. But come on. I know that if I saw someone walking down the street with a package of toilet paper - I would laugh. I don't need to know that someone is in need of toilet paper.. Ugh.

But just then - I saw another woman walking out of the store with her package of toilet paper. She didn't seem to be embarrassed at all. I guess she does it all the time, I don't know. She looked silly, but hey.

I took a deep breath. Held my head very high, and walked right to the counter. The woman scanned my toilet paper and toothpaste and told me the price. I don't remember how much it was. But I told her to keep the change and I walked briskly out of the store. Outside, I did my best to hide this giant bag and I was fuming. Can they not make the packaging more discreet? Why does it have to be in clear plastic? That's just revolting. Fortunately my car was double parked outside of the door of the establishment and I didn't have to go far.

So that was day one of shopping. I got home and managed to unpack to the toilet paper and toothpaste myself. I put the roll on the toilet paper stand - stood back, and admired what I had done. Bravo. I read one time that - you really appreciate things when you do them yourself. And you know what? I believe it.

I saw many items at this store that I wouldn't want to have to purchase myself. Tampons in particular. Can you imagine? That just says to everyone around you: I am bleeding and need this product to make it stop. Or even mouth wash. I use it - but I've never bought it. I can imagine the cashier woman would think "He must have horrible breath. How embarrassing.".. I don't know.

Yes, you can accuse me of perhaps living in a bubble. But I'm breaking out! Next time I going to bring some friends with me and we can try shopping for these things together! Donatella - you're coming with me!! And let's make it around the 10th of the month!!!! Haha...

Goodbye, Magnolia...

Wow. That was fast.

I had to let Magnolia go. When I first got her, I thought, "Hey. This will be great. She will keep me entertained, bla bla bla... I will have so many amusing and wonderful stories to tell.. bla bla bla..."

But I have to admit, that this woman was just.. well, a bitch.

I understand that I am famous for my "Unglück" with help, but this is just ridiculous.

I remember, as a little boy, reading that one day we will all have robots for servants. I dreamed of the day when my first one would glide through my doors. But what is it now? 2010? If ever I needed a robot, it would be now. I don't understand it: What are all the scientists doing with their time? I believe my taxes pay for them, don't they? Not only that, but in about seven different countries where I am resident!

I cannot be that difficult to get along with. There is just no way.

I have never hit a servant. I've seen Princess Letizia of Spain hit hers several times - yet she says they're like siblings to her...? (Sorry if that's personal Letizia) I want that.

Maybe because I'm not a Princess? I don't know. I cannot help it if the Holy Roman Empire was dissolved. I wasn't there. It was not my doing. I don't have a time machine to go back and change that. (All my money to the scientist who can help me with that one.)

So what happened with Magnolia? She told me that I "have issues." I made a racial comment, which, perhaps I regret (It was supposed to be funny). She threatened to sue me and I went through my same old routine.. I sighed, and then I showed her the confidentiality statement she signed that included a clause where she COULDN'T sue me, and I told her to call my office for a plane ticket home.

AND then I did something I almost rarely do: I got choked up. I almost had a tear in my eye. I could feel it coming and I thought "Come on! Come on!"... (I wanted to experience it).. But it never came. It felt like it almost did, which I thought was an emotional and physiological breakthrough. Afterwards I became angry that I couldn't cry. Perhaps violent. I don't know because I blacked out after throwing something - something Limoges - against my reflection in a mirror. I feel awful about that - As I really adore Limoges.

However. This is what I decided. I will go - for the time being. I don't know what "the time being" is. But I will go WITHOUT help. I am going to do everything! I will shop! I will cook! I will wake myself up! I will do everything. Everything except clean! And I will do it with grace and dignity.

...In the meantime. Stay tuned for more advice, and recipes. I forgot I wanted to include recipes. And keep the questions coming! I had so many good ones printed out - but that was when I had that Japanese boy and he lost just about everything.

She's not my Mammy

Dear Franz,

I heard you have a Mammy. LOL

I know who wrote that and I will not give you the satisfaction of having your name on my column. LOL yourself.

To address this, I have been getting a lot of heat lately about my choice of a maid. And now I must defend myself and say, however cliché it may sound that I am not racist! I have simply followed a childhood dream; something that many people simply never do, and are therefore jealous.

You see, ever since I saw Gone With the Wind as a child, I wanted a house full of black servants. I know that may sound bad, but it's not. I remember my mother saying the same things to me. "Franz - they are slaves. Slavery is revolting."

I know. I'm not stupid. Even as a child I knew that slavery was revolting. I said that. "But I want to pay them! Why can't we get rid of Frau Schumer and Jeeves - and get people like Mammy and Uncle Peter?

Mother just rolled her eyes and took a drink from Jeeves' tray. I didn't know he was standing right next to her.

But I think everyone must think that when they read or see Gone with the Wind. Everyone wants someone like Mammy. Even someone amusing like Prissy (who always is messing something up!), seems like fun to have around.

You see, people like our old Jeeves and Frau Schumer (who's STILL around)... it was always if they were afraid of me. Mammy on the other hand, gives her honest opinion. Wether one likes it or not.

SO one day, I became brave, and at great expense - I hired someone to bring me someone like Mammy back to Vienna. The criteria wee that she must have domestic experience, be very confident, and finally, extremely overweight and black.

(Ok. Now that I'm writing about this, Donatella - I'm beginning to see what you mean. It gets worse LOL)

When she arrived I asked her what her name was and she said "Barb". I paused for a minute and then I asked her if I could call her Magnolia. A name I had given a lot of thought to. It sounds as though it would be from the American South, yet sturdy, and very strong. She looked at me as if I were crazy. I told her that every one here has "nicknames" - which I don't know if it's true or not. Most people in my circles have a "Jeeves", and they can't all be really named that. Who would name their child that?

I don't remember what she answered, but now I call her Magnolia. I hope that's not what has set off her temper, because this woman is MEAN. Be careful what you wish for right? LOL. I wanted someone to take care of me and "tell it like it is".. But I would say her insults are little harsher than I remember in Gone with the Wind. Even dubbed in German, Mammy in Vom Winde Verweht isn't that strong.

I heard her say the other day, "Move yo faggotty ass and get your own damn martini. It's right over there.".. And then something about her being a Christian and alcohol. I was shocked. I have never been talked to that way before. Was this what I wanted? I don't know. I would've called the police on Frau Schumer. Or at least had her punished.

So at this time we're getting acquainted with one another. We'll see how it goes. I paid so much money and everyone is doubting me, I have to see this through!

And no. She does not have a rag on her head. She won't wear it. I told her it was custom made, but she doesn't care. "Isn't it bad enough that you changed my name to Magnolia?".. I don't know why that is such a big deal. Really I don't.

Fergie is OK.

Dear Franz,

Are you friends with Sarah Ferguson? What is up with her? Please give us some "Inside Scoop" on her.

Well let me tell you. You've come to the right person. She's absolutely fine! Yes, she had that horribly embarrassing video where she was in the hotel room trying to sell access to Andrew. Yes. But really - what was wrong with that?

Why should she give away access to her ex husband? That makes no sense to me. If someone wants to give her 500,000 pounds to set up a meeting with her ex - who cares? To me, the desperate ones were the ones willing to pay so much. Don't you agree? The only tragedy was this grainy video. ANYONE looks bad, smoking a cigarette in a hotel room on a grainy video. That's all there is to it. Sitting open legged didn't help matters, and I told her that flat out.

Sarah is a dear friend of mine. She's the one of the only persons I have genuine fun with to "slum it".. That to us is boozing it up at parties in Hollywood and/or New York. I hate to use such a cliché, but you know - "new money". It's always the same! It's true!

Sarah is a good time girl, yes. She panders, sometime, I know. But good for her, I say, because people always take the bait. And she knows what she's doing. I think.

Next month we're going to a party in "East Hampton" together. These people are starved for the likes of her (and yours truly). Some in our circles decry socializing with these people. But I think it's kind. And whilst we may not be King and Queen, you would think that we were - the way we strike awe/fear in these people. We get such a kick out of it - it's quite fun, and perfectly harmless. Every time we're in "The Hamptons" - people there are trying to tell us how old it is, and historic and exclusive. We just nod our heads and try to contain our laughter. We absolutely cannot look at each other.

So Sarah! Bon Courage! Alles wird schön! We see each other next month in "The Hamptons".

P.S. Sorry about the photo Sarah. But you have to admit it's funny!:)

I'm Back from the Wedding!

Ok.

Yes, of course I was at Princess Victoria's wedding to her personal trainer!

Don't say anything about that. At first we were laughing - we were like "what in the hell is going on here? Are we really here? Really? Queen Silvia is letting Victoria marry her trainer?"

And the answer, quite simply - is yes. King Carl and Silvia seemed to be ok about it. At the end of the night, we were all in good spirits and just let it go.

Princess Letizia of Spain told me that, for the longest time they thought she might be a lesbian or something, so they are just happy that she got married.

It's not idle gossip if Letizia says it's so. So just for the record - I was NOT the one to say it. I always thought Victoria was precious. But it did leave me to wonder if the trainer man (Prince now - gag), was a gay. You never know, because of course, every gay wants a royal wedding - it's their dream. Crown Princess Mary of Denmark told me that at the reception.

Speaking of Denmark.

And I KNOW I should have Twittered all the while I was there. But I thought that would be tacky, and thought I would wait. And besides that, I hate typing on an iPhone: so tedious. Why do people do that? (my assistant could not be at the wedding - I know, I thought about that.)

But speaking of Denmark. I heard this one from Countess Gunnila Bernadotte af Winsborg. She was saying that she was waiting for the toilet (even Countesses have to wait sometime..) And she was waiting with Crown Princes Mette Marit from Norway for a stall and they were waiting forever. And then FINALLY, after God knows how long, the door opened up, a huge clowd of cigarette smoke burst out - followed by (you guessed it!) H.R.H. Queen Margarete II of Denmark! She's still hiding out smoking after all these years! We all laughed so hard. Especially Bernadotte - it's so cute to see an old woman laughing - especially when her tiara practically falls off (we laughed even harder then!).

All in all, it was just good to see everybody together again - it's so nice to see everybody in their best. It was like a family reunion.

I danced all night - with just about everyone - including Queen Rania of Jordan, who was said to have been injured in a drunk driving accident on a Vespa. I asked her about it and she looked at me like I had two heads. Where would that have come from if it wasn't true? Is there another Rania I don't know about it? Could be. I can't picture her on a Vespa. Drunk, yes - on a Vespa no.

And yes, everybody was asking me about my Dear Franz thing - and I just had to tell them that I was away. Actually I was on a cure in Mozambique. But I WAS back in time for Donatella's annual Eurovision Party. That was a hoot. We laughed until we cried. Don't ever say Miss V. doesn't have a sense of humor. She's actually a born mimic. If I could have a video of her making fun of the Irish entry.....One would piss oneself. I KEPT trying to get her to do it at the wedding (no, I don't know why she was there either) but she absolutely refused.... I still think about it though - with Isabelle Huppert doing Irish step dancing in the background... Oh Christ.)

I WILL have to write about this party though. I totally have forgotten of it.

But it reminds me - one last thing about the royal wedding - and she's going to hate my guts about it, but Donatella spilled a drink on Prince Albert....AND King Constantine of Greece! I thought I would bust my gut. She was spinning around and must have completely forgotten that she was holding a new glass of champagne -and what do you know. I will never forget Crown Princess Maxima's face - what a smirk. Both the Prince and the King laughed, as they were both somewhat.. beschwipst themselves. And I know I told you that I wouldn't mention it again D, but I promised Maxima I would. Sorry - I owe you:)

Money, Part....

Unloading property doesn't have to be a humiliating experience. And it can be your financial gain. I've done it, and I want to do it again.

First there was a cabin in Switzerland that apparently needed major repair, and since we didn't feel like it, we sold it. Apparently I spent time there as a child with either my father or my mother. I never went there anyway, so I didn't notice it. I really prefer a loge, where you don't have to send a crew a week in advance to heat the place up and clean. Who wants to deal with that? I sure don't.

And currently, I am in a legal battle with my brother. I'm trying to sell a five story house in Manhattan. I have to say that I really don't like New York anymore. I find that 1. half the people I meet are starfuckers, whilst 2. the other half walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk. It makes me want to scream.

You see, my mother bought this property in the late sixties. She took me there as a baby to have a silkscreen made by Andy Warhol. Well, wouldn't you know - while we there he was shot! Shot by some crazed lesbian. I know it's bad to say, but - you should really read this woman's manifesto - it had me laughing like you could not believe! But I hate that, in the end, Andy never did my portrait. By the late seventies, everyone was having them done - and my mother wanted to no part of it. I wish I was more of a "rebellious teen", and would have told her to f off (as I finally got around to doing in the 90's.) Sometime I think of how good it would look over my guest bed in London, and I get so upset.

Well, while mother was in New York, she decided to stay for a while and learn English. Therefore, she bought Carrington Place on the Upper East Side. It really is pretty, prettier than the neighboring houses, but again I never go there.

So why do I want to sell it? Yes, the Beatrix III is being remodeled from stern to poop, but that is not the reason why. The reason why is that it is now worth 15 million dollars and mother put it in my name! And I don't go there! Hey. I've been working hard on this blog and I deserve a little down time - without any questions from the money man! Who can argue with that?

When my brother Felix loses in court, it's one less thing I have to worry about AND it's 15 million dollars in cash. It warms my heart when I think how much fun I am going to have when it's gone. I just think of a year on the Beatrix III - overly staffed for a change. Nobody does that anymore! And, I think it goes without saying: everybody deserves a little luxury now and then.

Now, I ask you again: who can argue with that?

Money Part V

Here is some positive advice that I can give to you all about money. This time I promise I won't go into any of the disturbing aspects - only fun things!

Vacations.

There are many ways to save money and vacation at the same time. The number one way is this: You have friends around the world, take advantage of it!

Chances are that someone you know has a little hideaway somewhere in the world and you just haven't noticed. Ask around, find out. I bet you you'll be surprised at some of what your friends have that you don't know about. Just last week, a friend of mine was surprised to know that I had a vacation spot in Haiti. (The key word is 'had'). We've known each other for twenty years and he had no idea. Actually I didn't either, until I received word that it had been destroyed by the tornado or the earthquake they had there. It had been my father's apparently, a gift from a servant no less. Born in Haiti, this servant, who I kind of remember, as I was told that he was black, was so devoted to my father - that he willed his beach front property that had been in his family for over a century! How moving is that? Apparently there was a problem, however, when my father had to relocate the extended family in order to build "Stefanshorst", the estate that was apparently destroyed. My father was so put off by the "broohaha" that the construction caused, and the "relocation", that he apparently only went there once. I just learned all of this from father's lawyer! Who knew. And anyway, I rarely like to go the Caribbean, due to the humidity.

But the point is, you never have to pay for a vacation rental or whatever. If there's somewhere I want to go in the world - I think first, "Ok - who do I know, that has a place in dot dot dot.....". That is, if I don't have a place there myself. And yes, I have many places hidden around the world - but not in every country! I'm not a sultan!!

Want to go on a cruise? Think to yourself, "Who do I know that sets sail in April", or May - or whatever the month you want. You don't have to rent an entire yacht yourself. And sometime, it can be nice sharing time with friends.

When I think on it, I spend less money when I am being hosted on a vacation, than I do in actual life! When someone is hosting you on vacation - there's nothing you have to take care of!

But always remember that you should reciprocate. That is, if you're not busy away on vacation!

Money, part IV

Dear people,

Learning about money has been no less than emotionally..violent, I would say. When I realised that nearly everything that everyone did was for money, I found it disturbing. I began to look at the world in a completely different way.

The people selling sausages on the street. They are not doing it for amusement. They are doing it for money. I tried to put myself in their shoes, but I couldn't. I got so far as to imagine myself in a paper hat, and then my knees buckled and I required assisting walking to the car. And when I looked up and saw Punjab (that is my driver, I don't know if that is his name but it really suits him), I imagined that he was also helping me for money and I passed out. I don't remember anything after that until I was awoken and reminded of my painting lesson. I'm learning to paint miniatures!

I went down to the salon where I have my lessons and saw my tutor waiting for me. I asked her if she waiting long, and she told me only 80 minutes or so. I was relieved that she hadn't had long to wait. Even if she had, she was surrounded by books and a harp, completely at her disposal.

I wanted to ask her if I was actually paying her for the lessons. But then I realised - of course, I must be. That was probably dumb. But then I asked her the real question: Would you still teach me lessons if I did not pay you. She seemed taken aback. I simply stared at her, as it was a straight forward question.

"I don't know." Was the answer I received.

I will have to think about wether or not I shall retain her if money is so important to her. I think I might have to, because apparently my assistant told me that he had a horrible time trying to find someone to teach me to paint miniatures.

So far, I've successfully painted a miniature of my dearly departed Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, King Charles. I really think it captures his sense of whimsy, as well as his dark side.

But getting back to my reconciliation with people, and their doing everything for money. Let me just say that it hasn't been easy. At first, of course, I was saddened. Oftentimes, debilitatingly depressed. I just imagined myself in all these various jobs. Behind a cash register, or with a chefs hat (I never thought they were ridiculous until I imagined myself with one). With a broom and mop bucket. But I learned what you have to do:

Ignore.

Just pretend as if they are not there. Do not look them in the eye. Look above them if you have to. Go about your business. Just think about yourself. YOU are the only one that matters, otherwise you would have to think about too may other people. There are over six billion people on this planet, and you cannot think about them all.

Not that I don't think about others. Tomorrow, I'm beginning a miniature for Catherine Deneuve.

Money Part 3

Dear Readers,

Ok. Here we go. I was sitting at a dinner recently with several friends. Most of them were noblesse, none of whom have ever had to sell off any properties - or even worse, rent out rooms as if they were a hotel. Therefore, I consider all of these friends "good with money". As entertainment, I brought up my project and they were all thrilled to lend support! And the first rule that we came up with was this:

DON'T TOUCH THE PRINCIPAL!

Yes, we all own stocks and estates that go up and down in value. But if you live off the money that your money makes - you cannot fail! We all grimaced at the plight of some nobel acquaintances of ours - not to mention 'celebrities' that have spent more than their principal: that is where they've all gone wrong. A certain someone that will remain nameless just had to sell off 20,000 hectacres - how embarrassing!

It seems so easy that I almost feel bad writing about it. If everyone would just do this than there would be no more financial crisises.

Also, we decided that every family is old as everyone else's. Even non-noblesse. And this is where the money comes from. Honour your ancestors and take care of what they've left you.

Ok? That's the golden rule. We decided. Princess Victoria of Sweden told me to tell all you readers that if you break this rule: You'll have HER to answer to! (Don't let the silk hat fool you!)

You have asked when.

Dear Readers,

I've been asked when I will have the Money issues ready.

I must tell you that I can say that I really don't know. You see. I was not ready for the popular demand. I can tell you everyday day there is something. For example I had to have lunch with friends yesterday. It was not good. I had the sole and found it disgusting. And on Monday I am getting a haircut. I do not work on Sunday at all. So please. Be patient and you will learn everything that I know about financial matters.

Tschüß!

Money Part 2

Dear Readers,

I am about ready to start answering these financial questions. Many of which I have deleted, but will try to paraphrase.

But first, I have to pay homage to someone I saw on television. She was giving financial advice on her show on American television and it both disturbed and awed me. Her name is Suze Orman. The reason that I know this information is that I wrote it down.

Let me first mention that the only reason I saw this show is that I was staying in a hotel and I couldn't find the remote control.

But Suze was incredible. I think that she should be a saint or at least beatified. She was so incredibly nice to these "people" who called her show. I still don't know if they were real or not. I sat there in bewilderment, listening to question after question. I thought: How is she doing this? How is she keeping calm? To me, it was a bit like trying to give birth control advice to rabbits. Yet, she was being so gentle.

Some things were flying over my head, like 401943 K or IRA something or other. At first I thought it was something about Irish terrorists. But what she was doing was trying to explain to them the "ins and outs" of investing money. Why they didn't have that taken care of - their investments, I still don't know. But these people also had credit cards that they didn't know how to pay for. And to me, that doesn't make sense. But then again, I don't really know how credit cards work. For example, how does one get one? For me, my financial person gave my assistant mine and told me that I could use it until the date on the front. To me that's simple and a questions I can answer right off the bat:

Q: How long is a credit card good for.

A: The date is printed on the front.

And I know they have to be paid, but - don't you just pay that from another account? To me that opens many questions: Can one get a credit card without being able to pay it? If so, then how does one pay it if they can't? What's the limit? I mean can a maid use it to buy a boat? I don't know. Surely there are limits for different types of people.

This is all confusing. I'm sure for all of us.

That is why I am going to clear up all these questions (and more) for you: Gentle Reader.

Money Part 1

Dear Readers,

Today I am coming to term with somethings that I have been quite ignoring.

For the past year, I guess - I've gotten many many questions about money. I've always just ignored them, as I thought they were a joke. Or maybe I just ignored them because I thought they were vulgar, I don't know.

Okay. I do have to admit that I was taken aback by the graphic nature of the questions: What's your advice to becoming wealthy? What your financial secrets are, etc. etc. At first, I really thought that it was people just asking these questions to make fun of me.

But I was at a restaurant last month - I never pay attention to the names of them, so I could not tell you which, but I was with my friend Madonna. At this time she had a male companion seated with us. Very young. Maybe 25. Could be a model. I asked her to ask him to leave as I didn't know him. She sighed, and we had basically a staring contest until she finally asked him to wait at X-. I guess I won. I would hope so. But we started talking about my advice column. People always ask me about it, it gets on my nerves. But I confessed to her about the money thing.

And she brought me to the understanding that people are really serious about this issue: Money. Where does it come from? How does one get much of it? She reminded me of all the people who don't have it and take jobs to get it.

After dinner when the waiter surprised us with a bottle of Louis XIII Remy (I still don't know why), I had an epiphany. I thought: this man is probably not doing this for fun. He is getting paid to be here.... He's doing it for money.

I had never even thought about that. Look around you and most people are performing various tasks: all for money!

And I realized that yes! People DO need my advice on the subject. I can ask around and see if any one I know knows! My assistant works with my ...person who gives me papers to sign! Surely he, I believe it is a he, knows something on the subject.

So, in conclusion. I will not ignore these money questions no longer! I will answer them! Together I will teach you!

Stay tuned for a special Financial Series!